So I have to admit, I was pretty down when I posted this morning. It was overcast outside. I was still a bit groggy because I woke up at 8, even though I didn’t have to go into work early (stupid body).

And thinking about the situation with Jarrett bothered me. A lot.

I’m supposed to be making all of these awesome strides forward. I’m supposed to be working towards my goals. I’m supposed to be paying people back so I can cut ties with exs, and get in control of my financial situation.

But I can’t do that when I keep bleeding money out into sources that don’t benefit me.

I’ve owed my mom money for months and I was supposed to be using the extra money from this month to pay her back. But I am having to use the extra to take care of the accounts that Jarrett can’t cover.

It sucked because it feels like I am failing.

An independent adult should be able to cover all of their expenses. That’s what being independent means for me. And right now I don’t feel like I can do that. Financially I feel trapped and confined because I keep having to push things back, further and further, never reaching the 0 balance that is my goal.

All I could think was, “Here goes another month.” Another month I let my mom down. I let myself down. Another month where I fail.

Not warm, fuzzy, feel good thoughts. : /

Bad, Brain. Bad.

I watched a bunch of tutorials and worked on some projects, and it helped for a while. At least it kept me busy, but I knew that I was unbalanced and that it wasn’t getting better.

I curled up in bed with Scarlet after a while and just lay there. I was thinking about how Jarrett and I broke up. How I still think I never did anything to earn his distrust, I was never anything except loyal.

I always picked him up from work. I made sure we had food. I took care of the apartment. I told him my schedule. I paid everything on time. I was affectionate and caring.

To be accused of cheating and to be told “he didn’t know if he could trust me” was probably one of the few things he could have said that dropped napalm on not just the bridge between us, but on the surrounding land for about a 100 mile radius.

There will never be recovery from those words.

I thought about it for a while. How it hurt. How I was angry then, and still am now, though it’s not the pure rage I felt at the time.

Eventually I realized that I was wasting my energy, my day, my life. I was wasting time thinking about him that I would never be able to get back.

I had things to do, like paying rent and mailing the money to Sir for the phone. I wanted to go to the gym and do laundry so I wouldn’t have to do it tomorrow.

I have stitching to do, and a book to listen.

I have so many other things I could be doing than giving Jarrett the power to steal my happiness away still. He doesn’t deserve that power.

“If they can’t take away your sadness, then don’t let them take away your happiness.”

And with that I got out of bed, determined that I was going to at least be productive. Being happy was a long short, but at least I could be proud that I did something with my time other than be emo.

I showered and I let the warm water wash everything away. All the ickyness that was inside me, I let it go.

And while I was in the shower, because that’s the only place brilliant ideas happen, I had a thought.

Since I am going to be with family for the next two weeks, I don’t need the money that I normally budget for food. $200 dollars magically just appeared in my budget.

That means I can actually pay my mom back.

That means everything is ok. I’m not failing at anything. I’m still doing good. I can make this work, and even though it sucks that I’m still short $170, it’s not as bad as it could be.

I wanted to get out of the house after I showered. I wanted to be out in the air and sitting somewhere bright. So I thought to get lunch somewhere with Wifi. I could balance my budget, get hardcore numbers, and figure everything out.

It wasn’t a lost cause anymore. It was a task that I could do, and something that would make be feel better. It would be the tangible proof that I needed that things weren’t bad.

I’m currently sitting at a sports bar.

Odd, I know. Ms. Super Introvert in one of the most extroverted places you can be. But I have a lot of fond memories about getting hot wings with my dad and places like this. And Sammie, Josh, and I had an awesome evening here. This was also the last place I had dinner with Kyle before he left to California.

The dinner that caused Jarrett to ‘not trust me.’

So in a way it’s rubbing it in his face.

Take that Jarrett. I’ll still go out and enjoy myself, and you can’t stop me.

So here I am eating hot wings, having a sweet tea.

I’ve already figured out my budget for this month, and paid all of the stuff online that I could. After I’m done here I’m going to run to the bank, and then the gym. Then to laundry where I can stitch and listen to my book while still being productive.

I thought today was lost. I thought I wouldn’t be able to shake the feeling of failure.

But here I am, killing it. I feel better. I feel like I’m figuring it out. I’m looking forward to the rest of the day now because it doesn’t seem like a hopeless stretch of time. A waiting game, where all I can hope to do is maintain.

So I raise my glass to you, Universe. Here’s to the rest of the day. I promise to make it a good one. : )