I don’t have much direction for this writing. Nothing has happened since I fell asleep and woke up, go figure. No awesome adventures for the unconscious.

I have cooked breakfast and just took my vitamin, so my hardest battle for the day is over.

I’ve been listening to Spunk Shine for the past day or so. Still gathering music into my horde. Surprising I have a fair amount of followers on my Ambient Techno playlist.

I don’t know how people find it, but it’s sort of nice to know that other people share my taste in music.

I plan on working on my school homework for a bit, watching more of the extra material and stuff. You know, faking at being a diligent student.

Two days left until home. Tomorrow is going to be so hard. I’m going to be antsy.

I’m going to want to leave all day, and then have to sit through lab, and then most likely be too tired to drive afterwards, so I will have to wait until the morning.

Or maybe I’ll be wide awake and able to make the journey after work. If I do that I could get home in time to have breakfast with mom. I could see her before she goes to work. I could have time to see my cousin and to give her birthday gift to her. Maybe even have lunch with Nasse if he isn’t working.

Today is actually my cousin’s birthday. Part of me feels like I should have mailed her gift to her so she could have it today. But I wanted to give it to her in person. Maybe that is selfish of me. I want to see her reaction, her simile, and feel her warmth.

I wonder if that makes me some sort of energy vampire. “Here, have this so I can drink you sweet, sweet emotions. Muahahahahaha.” That’s not creepy at all…

Does that cheapen the gift? That one of the reasons I want to give it is because I will get something in return? I mean, that’s why I didn’t send it, so I could get something, her reaction.

The gift shouldn’t be about what I get out of it. It was meant for her and her pleasure. I suppose I have something to ponder on.

I still have the boarder for the September dragon to complete, and I would like to fix up Joey’s gift as well. Technically it is done, but I feel the white smoke would be better with a pink tint instead.

Having to rework something is annoying. Redoing work. While I was stitching that section I thought about changing the color. I should have done it then, rather than completing it only to re-do it.

Thanks Past Self for procrastinating. You suck. Sincerely ~ Future Self

If only I could send myself messages like that.

If I can finish those two cross stitcings then all of my projects will be caught up. Well, almost all.

I will still have the tiger Bre bought for me last year to complete. I’m not a huge fan of it. The design isn’t something I would have picked out myself, but I feel sort of obligated to work on it. One, because I started it. And two, because it was a gift.

She thought I would like it, and the gesture means a lot of me. So even though I don’t really care for the image, I care for the person behind it. And I want to show her that I appreciated the gesture.

That particular project is a bit involved though, so I don’t think I will be taking it with me on break. Instead I have a few others prepped that I intend to do.

Today is payday, so I suppose after I get done rambling I should pay bills and figure all of that out.

Jarrett and Mr. D have given me nothing for the power and Internet bills. Jarrett will only be able to do $30, and since Mr. D. moved out at the beginning of last month he is only paying $30 as well. That’s only half of the expenses. Not even.

Part of me wants to be angry. Furious. Part of me wants to rage about how unfair it is that once again I am having to be the parent to people who are older than I am. Taking care of them while they slack off and make bad choices.

“When is it my turn? “ the four year old inside me demands? “When can I be young and reckless and act my true age like everyone else?”

Never is the reply my Scientist gives. We’re not allowed to. We have to be able to take care of others and ourselves. Where would we be if we didn’t have a meager savings right now? Unable to pay the bills that are technically in our name, that’s where.

It sucks. I don’t want to set $170 on fire. I did absolutely nothing at the other apartment. I haven’t’ even stepped inside of it for months. Wasn’t even breathing the air there.

In no way is any of the money owed my doing, but I am having to cover all of it. I sent out the emails a month ago with the date the bills were due and the amount. I even rounded the amount down to make it easier for them. And still I am left taking care of it.

No apology. Nothing. Just, “This is what I can afford.”

It feels like a giant middle finger in my face saying “F#ck you. This is your problem because I’m not going to deal with it.”

I want to be angry. Righteous fury.

But I can’t. Being angry would take too much energy, and I have finally reached the point where I can’t give anymore into that broken, damaged relationship.

At this point all I am thinking is that in two months he will be out of my life. For the next two months I will most likely have to pay the bills. Maybe that would be easier. Maybe it would be worth it to not have to deal with him.

I wish he would go away.

And suddenly I realize that it’s not anger, it’s sadness in my chest, and hurt, and disappointment. They are soft and cool, sort of like a fog, misting everything with light dew.

He doesn’t deserve my sadness. Debt and owning shouldn’t earn anyone anything.

And yet I can’t shake it.

I wish people would stop screwing me over financially.

That’s $170 I could have used to actually buy Christmas presents. Or hell, pay off half my credit card debt. Or switch my phone over to MetroPCS so I am off Sir’s phone plan.

I could have used the money I earned do things for myself.

I don’t think that is wrong of me to want. That money was earned through my hard work and time, and since this is my blog and I can be completely honest here, I should be getting paid more.

I work so many hours off the clock because I care, and because I do my job because it is fulfilling, not because it pays. If I wanted a paycheck I would be working at a game studio or a production house making at least twice what I am making now, if not three times.

But I’m not there. I’m here. And it would be nice to keep the small amount that I’m entitled to. That I earned.

I should be able to keep it and use it for my obligations, not someone else’s, especially when I know he is still buying alcohol and cigarettes. Literally setting his money on fire.

But all I can do is sigh. Accept the fact that he won’t change, and that all I can do is start another count down. I can do this. I’ve survived it so far. I can keep going for two more months.

Technically I am owed $650. Oh, the things I would do if I had that much money right now.

I would have enough to meet all of the goals for my hand tattoos, and to actually get them. My reminders of balance. My earth and fire. Mind and body.

I suppose that’s it for now. I don’t feel the urge to write anymore. I feel mildly betrayed, which is silly.

If you know something is going to happen, is it still betrayal? Should you still feel bad when things play out the way you know they will?

Either way it doesn’t really change how I feel. I will be reflective most of the day. Inside, trying to figure more of this out.

All of it could have been avoided if other people would be responsible. Is it too much to ask for people act like adults? To be responsible for the obligations they agreed to take care of?

I don’t think it is.

But why, then? Why, in all of the relationships I have had, is that something that has never happened?