muay thai

Daily Post 019: Temporary

Standard

Let’s see…

I wrote Friday. The day I found out that I was denied for the job.

I went through a lot of the 30-Challenge posts. I have a clearer idea of what I want to achieve and how to achieve it. Most of it comes back to:

Getting a job
Finishing the PCT program
Continuing to kick ass at the dojo

I ended up talking to my younger brother. That sort of sucked, though there’s a story for how the day evolved to the shitty conversation I had with him.

I went and made a payment for the EKG class I took. While I was there I saw one of my former classmates. She had just gotten done taking the board test. She failed by three points.

We ended up standing outside talking for a bit. The subject of my interview came up and I had to explain how I was denied and how the email hadn’t specified a reason why.

She said that even though companies aren’t allowed to discriminate, that it most likely had to do with my purple hair.

I hadn’t thought of my hair as an issue since it was mentioned during the interview. I had been told it wouldn’t be a problem. Accommodations would be made as long as I wore a head covering.

The conversation with my classmate made me begin to wonder, though. Am I going to have to give up my hair in order to get a job?

The thought of having to dye my hair back to “normal” physically hurt. I know I am not my hair, but my purple is important to me. Purple is the color of the 7th chakra, the crown chakra at the top of the skull. It represents our connectedness to the Universe and energies around us.

I don’t dye my hair because purple is my favorite color, or because I’m being a punk ass millennial and “sticking it to the man”. This is part of my spirituality, and it sucked, hardcore sucked, to have the realization that almost all of society would stand in front of me and say, “well if you want a job you have to conform”.

In my head that’s a lot like telling a Christain, “You can work here, but only if you renounce your faith and tell people, daily, that you don’t believe in Jesus.”

Yeah, you could do that. You could say those words. There’s nothing stopping you from stringing those syllables into that particular order, but I bet the thought of doing it sucks.

I bet for some people it sparks anger. Why should you have to do that? Why should you have to renounce your faith when it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the quality of work you’re able to do as an employee.

Maybe sadness. Why should you have to give up something that’s important to you? Why are they making you choose between something your soul connects with and the survival of having a paycheck?

Yeah, I get it. It’s “different” in my case… It’s just hair…

But at the same time, IT’S JUST HAIR.

Why can’t I keep it the way I want? Why do I have to give up an expression of myself, my soul, just to prove that no, I’m not a crazy drug user or whatever unfounded stereotype someone else is brainwashed into believing, especially when simple, easy compromises could be made to negate ALL of the perceived issues it would cause?

What is the company sacrificing for me to make this trade fair?

What core identity, fundamental belief, is it sacrificing to show it cares as much about me as I do about my potential job?

A paycheck? It’s sacrificing money to make me conform? Yeah… ok. I can go with that. I get that in exchange for changing my hair I would be receiving compensation in the form of money.

Is money worth giving up the fulfillment of being able to say, “Yes, I believe in Jesus?”

Would anyone else give that up, or something else just as core value? What if it was, “You can work here as long as you’re not gay?”

And that’s where I have the biggest problem. If it were anything else people would be understanding, but because it’s “just hair” it’s not allowed to be important to me. It can’t be something I have an attachment to, or a connection to. It can’t be something spiritual that I have a right to keep.

What’s more infuriating is the fact that I could work at a fast food chain and because it’s considered “lesser” work there are more leniencies in regards to appearance, but because I want to work at a hospital me being myself is suddenly something that needs to be altered or hidden or eradicated.

At the time my brother called me I was very much in an irrationally angry and hurt state.

I told him I didn’t want to talk about it, but he pressed.

Jon: It’s how our society works.
Me: Well, fuck our society.

What’s really bad is I don’t even know if my hair was or wasn’t the cause of my denial. It was mostly just a built up fantasy inside of my head of a bunch of supervisors sitting around a table and saying, “Nope. She’s obviously a delinquent. Just look at that hair.” And the only reason I was thinking about it like that was because of the conversation I had with my classmate.

Originally I had thought it was because I was very obviously over qualified for the job. I mean, come on… Patient transporting when I’m EKG certified, working on phlebotomy, about to be CNA working towards PCT… The only thing I could have done more to keep me from getting the job was walking in with a flashing, “I’m not going to stay in this position long” sign above my head.

But no, the conversation with my classmate totally overrode all of that rational. The only reason I was denied was because of my hair. They lied about the accommodations and simply didn’t like me even though both interviews had gone well. They’re all lying soulless jerks. Rawr.

The conversation with my brother ended on not such a good note. He sent me a text message not long after our conversation saying how it had felt like a slap in the face to him. He had just sent me money to pay for my classes and here I was throwing it away because I refused to dye my hair.

Bitch, I had just said on the phone that I knew I would do what I had to do, but that I hadn’t had time to process through the emotions and that I was angry and didn’t want to talk about it.

If you want to pick and choose what parts of the conversation you hear at least remember the goddamn facts of it and recognize that whatever hurt feelings you have are your own fault since you didn’t leave it alone when I told you to leave it alone.

I felt betrayed and guilty. I’m not the only one invested in my schooling anymore. That makes me want to do my best. But I’m not the only one invested in my schooling, so now I feel like I have to do what makes him happy. I feel like I “owe” it to him to give up my hair because that’s what he wants.

While we were on the phone he tried to relate to me by saying how he hates having to flip his septum piercing up when he goes and works with the color guard at the high school he volunteers at.

I mentioned how he had been dishonest about his piercing and that he was playing a dangerous game, which he was obviously ok with playing. He hadn’t been told he had to take the piercing out in order to have the job. He had flipped the piercing up before the interview and pretended like it didn’t exist.

That’s fine. That’s how he wants to play it. But it wasn’t fair of him to use that as an example of him “sacrificing” because he didn’t sacrifice. He lied and kept something that is important to him. So really the moral here is I should lie. I should hide my hair in a head wrap preemptively. At least that’s what he’s saying his actions would be if he were in my situation.

I didn’t have it in me to do much the rest of Friday. I applied to some jobs eventually. Only three. One is a Central Service Tech job at a surgical center not far from where I live. I wouldn’t mind interviewing for it. Another is a pharmacy stock position with the hospital. That one doesn’t seem so bad either, but with how I got so far with the interview process for them to deny me with no reason given, I’m sort of burned out on the hospital right now.

I thought a long time about the conversation with my brother. I didn’t want him to feel like I was throwing away anything because I wasn’t. What made everything so painful was the knowledge that if push came to shove I would, indeed, relinquish my hair. That I wouldn’t stand true to myself. I would conform. I would bend, but in my head, it wasn’t bending, it was breaking. And I would do it even as I hated every second, even as every morning I would be reminded by the mirror that I had abandoned myself. He felt hurt and betrayed even though ultimately I would do whatever I needed to do.

What do you do with that? I said, “If I have to, I’ll do the thing you want me to do.” And he still felt hurt. He still felt like I slapped him in the face. How was I supposed to succeed in that situation? I didn’t, and still don’t, understand other than to say, “It’s Jon and he’s always going to be a double-edged sword.”

Saturday morning, while I was drinking my coffee, I came up with what may be a compromise I’m ok with.

I’ll keep applying for jobs. That choice was never really an option. I’ll keep my purple hair while I do it. If, by the time I finish my phlebotomy class, 5 weeks from now, I haven’t been able to land anything, then I will dye my hair back.

And even then, I might wait a month while I finish out my PCT course and see if I can get a phlebotomy position with my hair the way it is. I think I like that idea better. I can’t apply for phlebotomy jobs yet, so I want to give myself a chance in that area before giving up my hair.

So, yeah, nine weeks. Nine weeks to find someone who sees me as a person rather than a stereotype. Nine weeks to find a company who understands that IT’S JUST HAIR and that I would be beyond grateful to be allowed to remain true to myself.

Having found that compromise I felt a bit better. My thoughts turned to the job search, though. I’ve been seriously looking for a job since mid-February. So a month I guess? Two interviews, and a call back I shouldn’t have passed up. So does that count as three?

Are those good numbers? Am I not trying hard enough? Should I still be reaching for low hanging fruit or stay aimed at the direction I want to go in? How do you know when you’re making the right choices? Is there something I should be doing differently?

Blarg.

I paid bills on Friday, too. I’m broke. Like, “I can’t go grocery shopping until Warren pays rent” level of broke. Yeah… and with no future income in sight at the moment. It makes my stomach tight like I’m preparing for a massive uppercut that I know is going to suck no matter how prepared I am for it. It makes me wrap my arms around my stomach to think about how I can’t buy anything. Not conditioner or body wash. Not the cheese slices for breakfast.

This was what I was trying to avoid by searching for jobs early. I didn’t want to be in this situation. But I’m here. So I guess the best thing I can do is understand the emotions I feel and do the best I can to change my situation.

I went to the dojo Saturday. Jiujitsu was first, then Muay Thai. I thought about not staying for the second class. I did, though, and I’m glad I did even though right now I’m incredibly sore.

I hung around after class, stretching on the mat while some of the guys talked. We all ended up in sort of a pow-wow circle, sitting and relaxing while we chatted. It was nice. I feel like I’m starting to form actual friendships with some of them, which you would think trying to choke each other out all the time would mean we’re like BFFs or something. Since a few of them are friends on my Facebook they mentioned my stripe and EKG certification. It made me feel like I was part of the group.

I didn’t drink enough water while I was at the dojo so by the time I got home I had a killer headache. I ate, drank water, then curled up in bed and suffered for a while. It wasn’t until around 8 pm that I started feeling ok enough to do much of anything. I cooked homemade beef stir fry. It came out awesome.

I went back to bed not long after cleaning up the kitchen and running the dishwasher.

So, of course, I’m not ok that when I went down to the kitchen this morning there are dirty dishes in the sink.

Blah. That’s a conversation I don’t want to have. But I know I need to because it’s only going to get worse for me internally if I don’t.

I don’t feel like doing anything today. I’m supposed to go start cleaning out the storage unit but the bitch in me doesn’t want to do it. Why should I be the only one to do anything when he can’t even be bothered to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher?

I know if I don’t start moving boxes back to the apartment that Tuesday is going to epically suck. I don’t want to spend my whole day moving stuff. I want it to be the furniture and that’s it.

I feel like that’s a victim mentality. “Why me? Why can’t it be fair?”

I don’t know what to do to change those feelings. And I don’t know how to make it fair when the other person doesn’t care enough to change.

I might have a way to make my work area more conducive to studying. It’s something I’m looking into at least, being able to work better at home. Since home is becoming a point of stress for me I’m not sure how helpful any changes are actually going to be.

I want things to change, but I don’t want to put in any more effort because it feels like the effort I have put in is pointless. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere so why keep trying?

Because I said I would. Because if I don’t try than things literally won’t change. I have to keep going to the dojo if I want to keep getting healthier. I have to keep applying for jobs if I want the chance to actually have one. I need to keep going to class so I can keep improving which will let me apply for better jobs. And I need to keep telling Warren that he’s being unkind to me because he is. His apathy affects more than just him and it will kill our relationship if he doesn’t change.

I have to accept that he might not change, and if he doesn’t then that’s on him. I’ve been doing my part. I’ve tried to come up with compromises that work for both of us. I’m not a doormat. I’m not his mom. He’s not my man child.

This moment is temporary. It will change.

Daily Post 011: First Interview

Standard

 

Saturday. 10am. I woke up at 5 but decided that was a bit unholy so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I kept waking up, staying in the light fog of half-sleep half-aware, and making the choice to stay in bed, snuggling deeper into my blankets while Scarlet stretched all cat-like next to me.

It’s been so long since I’ve done that. Indulged in that. Rolled over and continued to sleep, knowing I’ve done well and that since there’s nothing pressing or urgent, nothing required, I can bask in the feeling of being in bed and secure.

And maybe it hasn’t been as long as I think. Maybe the past two weeks have been so busy and “normal” that it just feels like it’s been an eternity. Going to kickboxing yesterday probably factors into it. My body is still on the low end of the energy spectrum because of the intensity level. Almost 24 hours and I’m still not fully recovered.

I had suspended my membership to Title Boxing to try the dojo. The suspension lasted for three months. On February 20th my contract became active again, which means, yeah, I’ll get hit with the payment, but I also have access to go back to the gym which may in my favor. The gym opens earlier than the dojo, so I can go there, have a morning workout, then go to class. In the evening I can do one class at the dojo and still feel fulfilled. I enjoy morning workouts and I’ve missed being able to have them.

Since there’s not much I can do since my Title Boxing membership is a contract I would rather find ways to make it positive rather than being aggravated about it. I would also rather use it than not since I have to pay regardless of what I do.

I’m going to find out today when my contract ends. I’m fairly certain it’s around June. I’m trying to figure out my finances for the future and my membership is one of the variables I need to solidify.

I suppose I should mention that I’ve had two quizzes for my EKG class, which I’ve aced. I also had my first test this past Friday… jeez… yesterday. Friday was only yesterday…

I got a 95 on the test because I missed one question. It was in regards to the normal frequency value of the T wave on an EKG reading. Missing one out of 20 other numbers I had to remember isn’t too bad. I’m happy with how I did.

I had an interview Thursday. My first interview in five years. Only the fourth one ever in my whole life.

It went well. I was originally applying for a housekeeping position. Through talking to the lady interviewing me and finding out about everything I have done/am currently doing to enter the medical field, she mentioned that a resident caregiver position may be more in line with what I wanted to do.

I said that I had seen the position on their website, but I wasn’t sure if I was qualified enough to apply for it. She loved my resume and all of the answers I gave to the interview questions. She said my purple hair wouldn’t be an issue and that honestly, she hadn’t noticed it. It’s very non-offensive and if it does become an issue then wearing a bandana should be fine. She said she noticed my “pretty blue eyes” more than my hair.

She told me a bit about her journey with the company; how she started as part time answering the phone and is now the training manager for new managers. There were actually several stories of employees starting out in entry positions who are now directors or program managers of their areas. The company is very interested in supporting its employees and promoting from within.

She mentioned her office is located in the of the facilities she would be sending my resume to. There are two locations with part-time caregiver positions available. Both of them are fairly close to my apartment, so I think I would be ok at either, but I would prefer the Oviedo location since I know one person there, even if it’s only because I spent twenty minutes talking to her in an interview.

She asked what I wanted to do for my future, and I was honest and told her that I didn’t really know. I was more looking to “get in” and to see where it took me. We touched a bit on mom’s death and why I am having the change of direction I am. I mentioned I had thought about physical therapy. She said at her location there’s an on-call nurse who helps with physical therapy routines. It could be arranged for me to work closely with this particular nurse to gain exposure to what physical therapy is really like.

After a year of being with the company there’s also tuition assistance, so if I wanted to go to school for something the company would help me grow in that direction.

It’s interesting to think about staying with a company and moving upward. Full Sail didn’t have vertical moment. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had worked there for 10 years. Full Sail doesn’t count teaching as experience. I would have had to leave the school and worked a different job then come back if they even had a position open, or killed myself doing tons of freelance to ever have the “right” experience to become an associate course director or course director. I don’t even know what the qualifications are for a program director, nor do I think that would have been a position I wanted. It’s more business related rather than student/teaching related.

Anyway…

That was my first interview since mom died.

That was my first step towards gainful employment. At least I’m counting it as my first step. I’ve been filling out applications. I’ve been doing “stuff”, but this was an actual interview with another person, and it went well.

At the end I asked if she had any feedback for how I handled the interview and she said I did fantastic and I had nothing to worry about. It was nice to hear her high praise, at the same time I would have liked to have some sort of constructive feedback. There’s always room for improvement, right? I mean, I’m not perfect, so how could I have done better?

I think I could have answered the questions I was asked smoother. I mean, I answered them well, but there were a few times I wanted to stop and make sure I was saying what I wanted to the way I wanted it to be said. I think part of that is being an INFJ. I also think part of that is not being used to having to explain my reasons for things, like, “Why the change in direction?” I think the more I have to answer questions like that, the smoother and more ok with my responses I’ll be.

I know this interview might not pan out. I didn’t get a call yesterday, which I wasn’t really expecting one, but waiting over the weekend is going to drive me insane. If I don’t hear back by 2 pm Friday then I’m going to call both locations and ask if my application has had a chance to be reviewed.

Financially it’s not going to be a lot. At most, $10 an hour. I’m going to push for ten even though I was ballparked with $9.50 as a caregiver.

Mom’s retirement check came in. We have to wait for the court to do red tape nonsense, but that money should be in before too much longer. That will make things easier, but it doesn’t change the fact that I NEED Warren to step up and start contributing to the apartment. It’s not an, “it would be really nice if you would” situation anymore. I won’t be able to pay everything on my own.

I’ve been looking at job postings for EKG techs and there’s not much. I’m finding more for phlebotomy, which I’m not even sure I’ll be able to stomach yet. I think I could work through my fear of stabbing people with needles, but I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable taking a needle myself. I think the class is going to be rough, but I think I can do it. I think it would be easier to get a job in that area than some of the others.

I’ve also seen a lot of postings for PCTs, but I won’t be eligible for those until around May, potentially. Some of them are only CNA with an additional certification. So it’s possible I can get PCT with my CNA and EKG certificates. It’s possible I could be at the hospital as soon as the beginning of April.

I am scheduled to get my fingerprints taken for the background check required for the CNA test. That was $80 I wasn’t expecting. If it helps me get employed then it’s worth it. I’m supposed to have that done Tuesday before therapy since they’re in the same area. Figured I would do it smarter not harder.

Once the Board of Nursing receives my background check they will assign me a test date. Next week I’m going to start staying after class to practice the procedures again.

The first day of EKG class I saw my old instructor for the nursing course I took. It was fantastic to see him again and I totally gave him a hug. We chatted for a bit. I’m pretty sure he would be willing to help me. If he could watch me do a few of the procedures each day so they’re fresh in my mind I would feel more comfortable about my test.

Becoming a CNA would give me more options as well. I’ve seen several postings for CNA positions though not as many as PCT and phlebotomy.

I crunched some numbers in regards to my expenses and it’s going to be tight for a while. I’m not paying rent right now since the apartment is paid in full for the year. That means I need to figure out what I need to do when it becomes October and my living expenses go up by $500.

Currently, even if I was making $16 an hour full time, I would be scrapping by when October hits, and there’s nothing saying I’ll be making that much.

I still need to factor some things, but I think what I need to do is pay off my credit card before then. Right now I put $300 a month towards it. I need to seriously increase that. Getting the last bit of the retirement money will help. Getting paid back a few things that are owed to me will help. Getting a second job after school will most likely be what does the trick.

So I think that’s going to be my mid-term goal.

Short term Goals

Find immediate part-time employment
Complete CNA and EKG certifications
Complete school

Mid-term Goals

Secure full-time job
Secure seconed part-time job
Pay off credit card

Who knows, maybe I’ll like the second job and keep it to pay off my car after the credit card is done. After that there are the federal loans I still have, but with an extra $600 free from not having the credit card or car payment I may be ok with going back down to one job. Or who knows, maybe I’ll keep it and blast through that as well on top of being able to pay for my own place, no roommate needed.

All I know is that $10 an hour isn’t going to cut it, and even if I made higher than that it would still be uncomfortable.

School eats into a chunk of my day, and it’s not something I’m going to sacrifice on. I still want the dojo, so that’s another non-sacrificial part of my day. That means I don’t have a lot of time to give, but I can give a little. So that means, for the moment, I’ll get a little.

A little is better than nothing, and it’s a stepping stone. I don’t know where I want to go, but this is definitely a forward direction. And it’s into the area I think I want to be in. Or at least moving closer in that direction.

There’s a lot of unknown factors that may make this process easier. I’m not sure how much my uncle will want to pay for my portion of mom’s timeshare once the deed is divided. I’m not sure if Warren is going to get a better job and start to pay me back for helping him move or if Sir will be able to return the money I loaned him. My blacksmith was extremely happy with a template I made for him and said he would pass my name around the cosplay community which might pull in some extra revenue. There’s a potential side project where rigging would be needed as well, which a former coworker has reached out to me about.

There are all sorts of things that “could” happen.

Right now I know for sure, 100%, I can count on myself. So, with just myself, I can make this work by getting a job now, and then most likely a second job once my schedule frees up a bit after school.

Ideally, I would have a full-time job over the weekends. Three 12 hour shifts, which would leave my week open for training at the dojo and part time job to pull in a bit more money for my financial goals. Friday and Sunday I don’t go to the dojo, so I wouldn’t feel bad about missing anything. Ideally, this would be my higher paying job as well so I would be pulling in the most for my time.

The part time job I would be ok with making less since all of that income would ideally be going to the credit card. Or whatever debt I am focusing on.

I know right now I’m not in the best position, but I feel like it’s manageable especially with proactive choices now. I need to change my situation by October. I would like to have two jobs by June. One where I make close to $15 an hour, the other either $10 or higher.

So that’s sort of where I’m at. I’m definitely on the left side of my brain right now. Problem-solving. Number crunching. System evaluating. I need to talk to Warren about the storage unit because that’s a cost I think we can remove or at least lower. I’m going to be using part of the retirement check to finish off the phone issue with Zane’s line, which is more expensive up front but will save me money in the end. I may also switch back to Metro since that’s $40 a month versus $70 and I was happy with their service.

I don’t know if I’m really happy right now. I know I’m not unhappy. Maybe content is a good word. I’m content with where I’m at and I’m proud of a lot of the things I’ve been able to do the past two weeks.

I’ve been consistent with the dojo. And I say “consistent” when I’ve only gone twice, so maybe that’s misleading. I went Monday for submission grappling, which completely kicked my ass. After not being at the dojo for almost three weeks, one of which I was sick with a severe cold/mild flu, I felt like being completely tapped out was understandable.

As a result, I went for a light run Tuesday rather than going back to the dojo. Wednesday I did Muay Thai conditioning. Thursday I didn’t do anything since I had class and then my interview. I went to my sports bar afterward to celebrate by having two Angry Orchards while studying for my test the next day. Which, by the way, alcohol and studying totally go hand in hand.

I spent the evening with Big Bad playing Mortal Combat. We finally figured out how to do the super badass fatality x-ray moves. So brutal. So awesome.

It was an awesome night and I’m glad I was able to spend it with him. Since we went to sleep late we skipped our strength training in the morning, but that’s ok. I made up for it by going to Title Boxing for their noon kickboxing class after acing my test.

So yeah, as far as working out, this week has gone well. I’m going to be going to another Muay Thai class at the dojo in about an hour. Afterward, I’m going to be staying at the dojo to pull up the mats. Paul posted in the Facebook group that the dojo is getting new mats. They want to pull the old ones up so when they get the new ones tonight they can go ahead and place them down. I won’t be able to help out tonight since I already have plans, but I want to help in some way, so I’m planning to stay after class and do some of the prep work.

I already have laundry going, and eventually, once I come home and shower I’ll need to go do grocery shopping. This weekend is most likely going to be pretty chill overall. I haven’t celebrated my test yet. Maybe I can convince Big Bad to do pizza with me to celebrate. When I pass my EKG board I plan to get the shin guards I want from Venum. I haven’t figured out what to do for passing phlebotomy if I pass, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I feel like I’m doing better about taking care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I can tell my metabolism is picking back up. My endurance is coming back now that most of the cobwebs are swept out of my muscles.

Hopefully, things settle down a bit and I can find the energy at the end of my days to start writing again. Or maybe now that I’m not going to be spending my mornings researching I can write while drinking my coffee.

Not sure, but consistency with my writing is my next focus. I miss writing and every night I go to sleep without doing it I feel like I’m dishonoring myself. It’s not a giant icky feeling, but it is a small pinprick, a twinge in my heart chakra, of knowing that I didn’t put myself first. I let something else come between me and my feeling of closure.

I don’t like that, so I’m going to work to fix it.

I guess that’s a good way of summing everything up. I’m working. I’m doing. I’m moving forward. Not just in one area, but in several, and knowing that I have a heading makes a lot of things feel better. I might not get to where I’m going via the path I think I will, but as long as I keep in mind where I want to go, then I’ll get there eventually.

It’s a good feeling. A warm feeling. A solid, stable, confident feeling.

I’m being true to myself. I’m being honest with myself. It makes it feel like I doing things right and that mom would be proud of me.

Daily Post 005: Lab Results and Morals

Standard

Scarlet is doing well. The vet called me around 9 am yesterday morning to let me know the results. Aside from a UTI, she’s in good health. Her kidneys are functioning within proper limits. All her blood levels are normal. For being as old as she is apparently Scarlet is in exceptional health.

The vet prescribed an antibiotic for the UTI. I’ll have to administer the medication once a day for two weeks, but Scarlet does surprisingly well with things like medication and baths.

I was glad I didn’t have to go through the whole day not knowing what the results were. And I was glad it results were so positive. I can be more ok with her walking issues as long as I know she’s not suffering.

I went to the Saturday dance class, only, it wasn’t really a dance class. Since it’s the new year the schedule has changed a bit. New classes have been added, old ones have been moved or replaced, etc. Well, instead of a beginner dance class on Saturday there’s now a stretch class.

I decided to check it out to see if it would be something I would want to keep in my weekly schedule. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really all that awesome either. It’s basically a yoga class, but I can do better, more focused flows on my own rather than having to use one of my dance tickets for the class. I didn’t really click with the instructor which is most likely another factor.

I guess in a way it’s a good thing. If I’m not going to the dance studio on Saturday that means I can do the jujitsu and Muay Thai class at the dojo instead. I’ll have to see how that plays out, but it’s a possibility. I could also run instead, and then do Muay Thai… or run, then jujitsu, then Muay Thai… so many possibilities. Oh! Or I could bike to the dojo since the classes are during the day rather than in the evening.

Anywho, after the mildly disappointing class, I had enough time to go to the vet to pick up the medication. From there it was off to the dojo.

Muay Thai conditioning was awesome. Paul was running the class instead of Jim. There were more people there than what I’m used to, but it wasn’t intimidating or overwhelming. It was actually pretty cool because Jim ended up being my partner. One of the drills we had to do was keeping our hands behind our backs while trying to tap the other person’s foot with our own foot. If you got tapped three times you had to do ten pushups.

Guess who didn’t have to do pushups? That’s right. This chick. I got Jim three times but he was only able to tap me once. Yay quick feet I guess. It was fun and playful. It reminded me of how Big Bad and I will be holding hands and then randomly one of us will start a match of thumb war. It basically was a game of “keep away”. I enjoyed it. : )

I was pretty tired by the time class was over, but I didn’t relent. I knew if I went home that I most likely wouldn’t go back out, which would be bad. Instead, I went straight to the grocery store to do the shopping.

I stuck to my tradition of getting a sushi tray with a coffee drink for lunch. My reward for being a diligent adult and braving the store full of people. Since it was such a nice day outside I sat in a shaded area on the walkway and ate my lunch. There was a light breeze which felt great since I was still sort of warm from the dojo.

After eating I drove home and put the groceries away. I didn’t have it in me afterward to do much else. Physically I was tired. I napped for a bit. I eventually gave Scarlet her medication. I finally put my clothes away, but really I didn’t do much for the rest of the day.

Later in the evening, I was poking around online. I’ve been looking at jobs more and more recently. I saw another tutoring position except this one is for computer programming. It’s only a part-time position, and it’s for programming languages which aren’t exactly my forte, but holy crap, the only way it could get better is if it was a full-time position.

I would need about a week, maybe less than, to brush up on the languages they would want me to tutor, but all of them I’ve been exposed to. I tweaked my cover letter and applied for the new position. I kept poking around, and that’s when things got sort of dicey.

I saw a posting for a Character Rigging position from Full Sail. Essentially it’s my old job.

I don’t know how I feel about it. And I guess I should go ahead and say that I applied for the job.

I don’t know if I want to go back. At the time when I first saw the post I reached out to my former supervisor, but he didn’t respond. I figured he was asleep, but a few other people were listed as online for the Facebook chat, so I sent them messages trying to get more information about the situation and job listing.

I made a new cover letter and sent my application in. And then I sat and stewed trying to figure out my emotions over the situation. I ended up messaging my blacksmith because my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep.

As far as a job is concerned I would like a reliable full-time position here in Orlando, preferably utilizing the skill set I already have.

The Full Sail position would give me that.

I could most likely ask for more than I was making when I left and get it. I already have training on the systems so I could skip most of that. I already know the people who would be my co-workers. I’m confident in my ability to run labs because I did it for four years. I would be able to start biking to work again which is actually something I miss. I could stay in Orlando with my companions, friends, and still be near my younger brother. I could still go to the dojo. I might even be able to start working on my Digital Arts and Design degree again.

Theoretically, I would be making enough to live on my own, which is something I’m still hoping works out. I wouldn’t have to go to Californa and spend months waiting to come back to the life I want to live.

However, comma…

I said I would never go back to Full Sail.

So, yeah, there’s all these positive things… but what does it say about me or my word if I turn around and go back?

Part of me feels like it would be a failure on my part. Failing at what I don’t know, but I think I would be upset with myself for going back.

After talking to Clavan this morning the listing isn’t even really advertising the position they’re hoping to fill. It’s more of a “float” position where I would be helping out in the compositing and lighting classes. Neither of those areas are really areas I want to be in.

So even though there are all these positive things, I don’t think I would be happy. It wouldn’t really be my old job. It would be stuff I don’t really like in a place I don’t really want to be.

I haven’t ruled it out, but I think I would rather not accept it. I would need to have some serious conversation during the interview if I got one.

That leaves the tutoring position. It’s part-time for significantly less money. But part-time lets me still focus on me which I would like to do. I would need a roommate, but there’s no telling what could come from the position. Ideally, I would use it to eventually get an adjunct professor position, or maybe I could tutor other subjects and potentially get full-time pay which would be fine even though the wage is lower. I honestly don’t need all that much.

I feel like if I go back that I’m being weak. I feel like I would be saying it’s ok to treat me like crap when it isn’t. I left because I was treated like a cog rather than as a human. Is that really what I want to go back to?

No. Not really. Even though I love my co-workers and even though Clavan was the best supervisor I’ve ever had, and even though I have positive memories of working there, I don’t want to go back.

I said I wouldn’t, so why am I faulting?

Because paychecks are nice. Because if I’m honest with myself the money I have is running low and I need to have something lined up so I can keep supporting myself and not turn into the unemployed slacker mooching off of people I’m terrified of becoming.

I don’t regret how I have spent the money. I paid for mom’s apartment for five months because I didn’t know if I would be moving to Vegas or not. I helped people who needed help. I paid for my apartment for the whole year. I paid for the extended stays I lived at so I could have my own space while I figured out my life for six months. I took the CNA class. I took trips to see people I haven’t seen in years.

I feel like even though I most likely could have spent the money more responsibly given hindsight, that I’ve done pretty well, and being realistic about it now is good. It hasn’t run out, but compared to where it was, it’s low, and it’s finite, so I need to start looking at ways to get an income again.

Warren and I talked about it this afternoon. He’s going to be able to start paying rent in February which will help out significantly, and he’s going to start getting Amber to pay him back for the time she was unemployed.

This is another unknown, however, and so there’s a bit of stress with it. I know I could get a sales position or work in fast food, but after having a job where I was fulfilled I know I don’t want to do something like that. I wouldn’t be happy. I don’t like working with money. I don’t like selling things. I like helping. I like teaching. I want a job, but I don’t want to sell my soul to have a paycheck.

There’s still a bit of time to figure it out. I’m glad I’m looking for solutions now rather than waiting until the very last second.

Today was a low energy day. I wasn’t sad or anything, but having been awake for later than I wanted to be meant that I didn’t wake up until around 10 am. Super late when you’re used to waking up around 4 or 6 am. And I was still tired. And it was cloudy outside…

Arg…

I’m happy to report that even though it was a “meh” day that I’ve gotten everything on my to-do list done. I’ve cooked all the meals for the coming week. I washed my sheets and laundry. I’m back to the task of “put clothes away”… hopefully it doesn’t take me all week to do it this time. I’ve made the bed already so once I’m done having game time with my brothers I can crawl into bed and pass out.

I’ve vacuumed both the living room and my room. I’ve swept up the dog fur. I’ve swiftered the kitchen and hall tiles. I’ve cleaned out my car, not that it was all that bad. Mostly water bottles. I’ve gone through my email inbox and caught up on posts and such. I even ran back out to the store to pick up a few things I didn’t realize I was low on. Can’t make egg roll bowls without soy sauce…

Because I went out to the store I rewarded myself with a dessert cup from the bakery. It was a strawberry shortcake type thing. Most likely awful for me, but I’m ok with it. It tasted dericious, not that I ate it before having dinner or anything…

Carolina actually came up to me yesterday before the Muay Thai class started and whispered to me, “Girl, how much weight have you lost?”

I honestly don’t know, so I told her probably around 30 pounds since I was down 20 in November. I wonder if it’s more than that, though.

Oh. Yesterday was the first day of wearing my new pants to the dojo. They worked wonderfully.

Since tonight is a game night I’ve been thinking about getting a pizza. Since I’m thinking about it I’ll most likely do it. I did well today. I’ve been doing well. I don’t think it’s bad to have a slack night where I relax and enjoy some video gaming and grungy food. I’m not going to let my brain try to trick me into thinking otherwise.

My financial situation is still fine. I’m not a bad person for not having a job yet. I willingly left the workforce. I’m not going to start regretting my decision, and I’m not going to compromise on my morals for a paycheck.

That was something Warren mentioned while we were talking about the job. He asked something along the lines of, “Is sticking to your moral high ground worth not being able to support yourself?”

My reply was if I don’t stick to my morals than what’s the point of having them?

I may make things harder on myself then they need to be, but I think by accepting only what I know is beneficial for me that ultimately I’ll end up ok. Maybe even better than ok. My resolution is to be happy. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, and I’m ok with that.

Nothing worth having is ever easy.

Musing Moment 101: Saturday’s Hard Truth

Standard

Friday was a good day. A productive day.

This post isn’t about Friday, though. This musing is about Saturday.

Saturday was hard.

When I woke up it was cold and rainy outside. I was tired from not sleeping much.

It was “one of those days”. The kind where you want to stay in bed all day. You don’t want to think. You don’t want to do. I’m sure on a slightly different day it would have been a “watch movies and cross stitch” sort of day for me.

Not this Saturday though.

This Saturday I woke up with sadness. I haven’t felt it in a while. Not like how it was that morning. I felt it like an ache in my bones. Heavy. Cold. Every action was painful. Simply laying still and breathing was painful. The thought of more, of doing anything with my day, made me want to quit before I had even tried.

It was so much effort. Too much effort.

Mom is dead and everything is heavy and it’s so much easier to not do anything. To not fight through the pain. It would be easier to stay in bed with the silent tears and to hide from everything.

I didn’t, though, and that’s mostly because of Big Bad.

We message each other every morning now. I don’t know how it evolved into that. I think it’s been a gradual progression. In the beginning, we would sometimes do it. A quick, “Good morning,” here, a “How did you sleep?” there…

We’re still hit or miss on saying goodnight to each other, but now, always, without fail, one of us will message the other in the morning.

Saturday it was me messaging him. I said good morning and informed him that the world was safe from aliens since my brothers and I had stayed up until around 3 am playing Starcraft. The conversation was an easy progression from, “How did you sleep?” to, “The weather is unmotivating,” to, “Playing games and eating pizza followed by cuddles under giant fuzzy blankets would be awesome.”

The conversation made me smile. It helped my heart feel warmth. It helped me feel connected and not alone.

With the prospect of Big Bad and I potentially seeing each other later in the evening, the day didn’t seem quite so heavy. It was still harder than it “should” have been to get out of bed. It took more effort than most days to shower. But I did all of it and even had part of a protein bar before going to the dojo.

I had to skip my cup of coffee if I was going to make it to Muay Thai in time. I knew I had to get to the dojo even if I didn’t want to. I knew I would regret letting the sadness win more than I would regret the uncomfortableness of actually going.

The class was harder than it should have been, which is a bit paradoxical because I ran better than I ever have before. I had better form than any previous class. I knocked out all of the squats and pushups without feeling like I was going to give out.

But it was a hard class. Emotionally. Spiritually. It was actually the first class that I didn’t want to go to. Not fully. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to be left alone. I was fighting an internal battle. It didn’t leave me with much else to give.

Towards the end of the class, Jim was having us do drills with the punching bags. One of the things we do for conditioning is called “sprints”. Basically, you run in place as fast as you can in front of the bag while punching it. It sounds simple but holy fuck is it hard to make it through the whole time.

You have to dig down deep to make it sometimes. We all know that. Jim knows that. We encourage each other. “You’re almost there.” “You got this.” “Ten more seconds.”

 

Jim: “Why are you doing this? Remember why. Focus.

 

Instant, unadulterated, seething rage.

Why am I doing this?! Why? Because my mom died. Because I’m angry. Pissed. Furious. Because I hurt. Because I don’t know why. Because I’m trying to be a better me but really that’s just something I say because deep down, really deep down I don’t know why, ok? Because it seems better than doing nothing. Because I told mom I would try. Because I don’t know what else to do with my life right now.

I wanted to walk away from the bag. I wanted to leave the dojo. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream.

This was what the morning had alluded to. The hurt. The wave. The swelling up of emotions. This feeling of being injured and needing to recover.

I didn’t scream, though. I didn’t break down. I didn’t hit anyone or lash out. I didn’t walk away.

I stayed. I clenched my jaw and finished my sprint even though I had tears burning my eyes. I held the wave in check for the remaining fifteen minutes but I knew the rest of the day would be rough.

When it was over we bowed out. I tapped gloves with everyone. I finished my bottles of water and I packed my shin guards and gloves into my gym bag. Most everyone was occupied as I left. I only had to wave goodbye to Carolina. Akib and I exchanged goodbyes as I passed him. After that I was clear. I was outside. Out in the cold, windy day. Out and away from people who might ask questions about, “What’s wrong?” and, “Are you ok?”

The sweat on my skin felt like ice but I didn’t care. I walked to my car dreading the thought of going home. I put my bag in the trunk. I closed it shut gently rather than slamming it down like I wanted to. I opened and closed the car door normally. I sat in my car, out of the wind. I sat in that confined space and it felt like sandpaper against my skin.

I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to drive. I didn’t want to be inside.

 

Jim: Why are you doing this?

 

Why did you have to ask me that? Why does that question have to bother me? Why do I have to feel this uncontrollable feeling of righteous fury and underneath it the sinking consuming sadness of knowing that life is different?

Why AM I doing this?

I sighed. I got out of the car. I walked to the back of the parking lot and sat down, looking out at the wide ditch that was full of water from the recent rain. The wind blew over the top of the water making waves move from one side to the other.

I watched.

Why am I doing this?

I don’t know. I have all of these “reasons” but really I don’t know why.

Why am I doing anything?

Because I told mom I would. Because some days, most days recently, it’s felt worth it. I’ve felt better and like there are reasons to do things. But Saturday wasn’t one of those days.

Saturday morning was a day where my wound ached. Saturday was a day where I couldn’t call mom and tell her about the job I want to apply for at a local community college. I couldn’t tell her how it was cold. I couldn’t tell her about playing games with Jon and Jason.

Saturday was a day that hurt and being asked why poked at that wound.

As I sat I calmed. I thought about everything that had happened since mom’s death. I thought about everything that wouldn’t have happened if she had lived. I most likely wouldn’t have quit my job. I would still have student loans. I most likely wouldn’t have met Big Bad or my blacksmith. I would most likely still be living with Zane.

I would most likely still BE with Zane…

That was a sobering realization.

I most likely would still be with the person who, up to this point in my life, had betrayed me the most.

I pondered over that for a while. I thought about the post I made about my resolution for 2017. My resolution is to be happy. I tried not to give myself shit for feeling sad and essentially being counter-productive to my resolution.

I remembered how I wrote that 2016 taught me what it was to beg, and how while I was on the flight to see mom in the hospital how I had begged the Universe to let her still be alive when I landed. How I would have traded literally everything, anything, for her to be there.

If I had that choice now, if I could trade everything to have mom back, would I do it? Would I go back to April 4th and redo my life?

Would I give up all of the truths I’ve found, lose all the people I’ve met, forego all of the growth I’ve experienced? Would I give up the life I have now to have mom back?

Never in a million years would I have thought of asking myself this question. Of anyone asking me this question. I wasn’t prepared for it to enter my mind. And I wasn’t prepared for the pain at realizing what my honest answer was.

No.

If I had the hypothetical choice to go back, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t give everything up for my mom.

Part of me feels like a bad daughter for that. If I love her so much shouldn’t I want to do anything to be with her again? How am I not horrible, awful, for choosing myself over my mom?

I know that’s the answer she would want me to give, though. I know she wouldn’t be upset with me. I know she would empathize with my struggle but that she would be glad that I wouldn’t want to go backward.

We can’t go backward. Only forward.

I have gone through so much since that day. I know my journey is supposed to be without her. And I know the grief I feel over this realization is something I am meant to feel. It hurts. It feels selfish. It’s something else I need to work through. Something further for me to accept. Deep down I know it’s the right choice, but it still sucks being that brutally honest with myself.

I believe things happen for a reason. I believe there is a Universe where mom and I are still together, but that’s not this Universe. In this one, I am meant to go forward alone. In this Universe, I’m meant to have a spiritual relationship with my mom from this point forward.

Wanting to go back is devaluing all of the positive things that have happened since that day. April 4th was a really shitty day, and I’ve had a lot of really shitty experiences since that day, but I’ve had some amazing ones, too, and I don’t want to give those up, and I think mom wouldn’t want me to either.

I didn’t really feel stronger for having found that truth. I didn’t feel like I had any answers for my question of “Why?” I didn’t really feel anything. Nothing except cold which caused me to absentmindedly worry about getting sick.

I was supposed to return a gaming headset that I had bought. I was supposed to go grocery shopping. I was supposed to do laundry.

Instead, I eventually stood up, walked back to my car, and went home where I crawled back into bed and cuddled with Scarlet. There weren’t tears. There wasn’t sleep. There was really nothing. Just the fact that I’m where I am and there’s no going back. There was stillness. Heaviness. There was surviving and hopefully sleep eventually and maybe the next day there would be a warm sun instead of the cloudy, icy cold. There was the knowledge that I would make it through Saturday and that, “This too shall pass.”

 

Big Bad: Whatcha doing?

 

Him reaching out to me this time. Another moment in my day where I felt a connection. Something other than the coldness. The stillness.

We chatted about our non-productive days.

 

Big Bad: So would you like to join me this evening?

Me: I would enjoy being with you immensely.

 

Even though my morning hurt and I spent most of the afternoon adjusting to my new truth, my evening was full of getting my ass kicked at Soul Calibur and having New York style pizza with Coca-Cola. There were cuddles under warm fuzzy blankets and soft kisses and shared breathes and eventually I fell asleep surrounded by warmth and the feeling that I wasn’t alone and things would be ok.

This morning I woke up and it was sunny outside. Freezing and windy, but sunny.

I woke up to freezing hands tickling me along my sides and a loving smile. I had a quiet morning where I shared two cups of coffee with someone I care about. We talked about our plans for the day. He asked for me to come back on Monday since I leave Wednesday to go to Ohio for a week.

It’s mornings like this morning, and nights like last night, which make it worth enduring the pain. Not everything is bad and painful. There’s a lot of really good and positive things in my life. There’s a lot of people who care about me and want to experience life with me, and I want to experience it with them.

Today, like Friday, was another day of super awesome productivity and my next few days are going to continue to be busy as I prepare for my trip.

I knew this truth about life, but I never fully understood it until yesterday. There’s no going backward. Only forward.

I guess my issue is my not wanting to go back. Shouldn’t I want to be there? Shouldn’t I want to be with her? But that’s not it. I do want to be with her. But I can’t be with her and be the person I am now.

I don’t want to go backward. Only forward. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Logically I know it doesn’t make be a bad person. I haven’t truly accepted that particular fact on a spiritual level, though.

I suppose it’s something further for me to ponder and muse over.

Jeez… sometimes it feels like a never ending battle for acceptance.

Right now, at this point in my journey on a Sunday evening where I have gone through the whole day being an awesome, productive adult… I’m not going to worry about the rest of my journey and instead I’m going to go kill some aliens because fuck this shit.

 

fuckthisshit

Daily Post 001: First Day Back at the Dojo

Standard

I couldn’t hang for all three hours at the dojo. I mean… I could have, and then regretted every part of that decision. But nope. This is me learning from all of the past mistakes of pushing too hard too fast.

Jujitsu was first tonight, and that had a TON of people. A lot of them I knew so even though there were significantly more people than I am used to, I wasn’t as overwhelmed as I probably would have been only a short month ago.

It was fantastic being able to tell everyone happy new year. I saw Paul and Jim and Akib and Roman and Tommy and Adanous and several other people who I don’t remember their names… but for being awful with names I’m doing surprisingly well.

I didn’t see Carolina tonight. Hopefully, she’s there tomorrow.

The class was good. Us white belts practiced chokes from back mount. I’ve done them before, but only once, so doing them again was nice. At the end, we did three rounds of sparring. I tapped one guy out with one of the chokes we had just gone over, so that was nice. Validation that I do some things right other than not get choked out myself.

I thought about not staying for Muay Thai. I wasn’t sure if I was up for it or not, but when Paul had everyone line up so we could bow out he said, “If you’re staying for Muay Thai get your gear on.” And somehow without realizing it I was in the locker room getting my gloves, shin guards, and mouth guard along with another bottle of water… So… I guess I was staying.

Muay Thai wasn’t as intense as jujitsu, and I say that from the perspective of comparing them to each other. It’s interesting to look back and compare both of these classes to things I’ve done in the past. They’re definitely on a different level than anything I’ve ever done at the YMCA. I think the only thing comparable would be a boot camp class I did while visiting my older brother a few years back. It was something I went to with Lio at the gym on the Air Force base, and that class was no joke. I’m pretty sure if looks could kill the instructor would have been dead when he told me to do more squats that day.

It amuses me, but also makes me feel cared for when we start doing body shots and the guys ask if they’re hitting me too hard with a worried look on their face.

Being a masochist I can fully attest to there being different kinds of pain. Having been in legitimately abusive relationships I can also attest to the fact that there is a difference between consensual BDSM actives and abuse.

I know I can take a hit in both situations. I also know my pain tolerance is higher than most people I have interacted with. So when I get what basically amounts to a love tap and the guys look at me like their about to break me or something it’s sweet and cute in a, “You poor thing, you. You have no idea” sort of way.

 

Me: “No, really. You can come at me, bro.”

 

Usually, the level doesn’t get set until I throw my punches or kicks. I’m still focusing on technique so I’m not going all out like I would if we were doing bag work, but I strike with intention. Once my drill partner sees what I’m comfortable with they normally match it, or go at their level with the understanding of I’m ok with what we’re doing.

It helps that this was the second time I was paired off with Roman. He’s a pretty cool guy. He talked to me more this time. He gave me some tips during the drills like keeping my elbow tucked. Small reminders about things that are important and that I forget as I try to remember everything else I’m supposed to remember about my form.

To me, it’s thoughtful. He doesn’t have to help me get better, but he is, and that means a lot to me. I always say thank you when someone at the dojo offers me advice on how to improve.

Once we bowed out for Muay Thai I thought about staying for submission grappling. By then I was out of water. I could have gotten more from the sink, but Florida water sucks. If you have ever had Florida tap water you know the struggle is real. I also figured it was better to go home and eat since I’ve had a hard time eating for the last little bit.

I’ve still had at least one meal every day, so I have that going for me. I’m hoping with getting back into the routine of the dojo and dance classes and my metabolizing picking back up the issue will fix itself. I know the “not eating” thing is from the emotions of the holiday season and the stress of traveling. Workouts forced me to eat. Going for ten days without much physical activity meant there wasn’t anything going on to force me to intake.

Well, now there is, Body. Suck it up and eat this dericious salad or else.

I also rationalized that after ten days I should ease into things. Going for two relatively light runs and then hurling myself into three hours of intense physical activity isn’t really easing… Hooray for type A personalities.

I could feel my body getting tired, too. A good tired, but if I was already tired at the beginning of submission grappling, then I most likely would be too tired to spar by the time we got to the end of the class, which is really what I would be staying for.

So as I was sitting against the wall watching the class start I decided that I had done well for the day. I had done literally all of the errands I had wanted to do. I had gone to therapy and dealt with not only my emotions of the trip and mom not being physically present for the holidays, but also tackled my angst with the apartment.

I had come home and talked to Warren and we figured out a system which should work for us as far as the chores and dog fur are concerned, so hopefully our situation will feel less one sided now.

Warren and I talked about potential job opportunities for him to look into since I’ve heard a few things that might be of interest to him. We even talked about me not taking the contract for California and started probing options I could look into here.

Surprisingly I might go back into teaching. It would be at a community college instead of Full Sail. I need to do research, but the thought of teaching again makes me happy. I didn’t resign from my job because I hated the job. I left because of the company.

So yeah, a lot of positive progress was made in several areas, and I had already done two hours of intense training. Nope. Going to go home and have dinner and drink more water, and organize my closet and cuddle with my cat and maybe cross stitch while listening to an audio book… all of that after I shower because I swear I lost half my body weight through sweat.

It was a good day. Slow to start, but good. I’m glad I’m back at it with the dojo. Jim asked me as I was leaving if I was going to be there tomorrow night. I have dance class tomorrow, but I should be able to get to the dojo for the last hour which would be more Muay Thai. I think I’m going to do it. I want to be there. We’ll see if it works out.

That’s about it. Good day. Good work out. New bruises. I’m going to label my day as done and go indulge my quirky INFJness obsession for organizing things.

Daily Post 000: Starting The New Year

Standard

So it’s the new year. Hooray. 2016 died the horrible death it deserved.

That means with my tracking system for daily posts we’re back to the beginning. A new beginning.

I’m happy to report that I’m back to being mostly normal. No more irrational post-travel rage. I think a lot of that has to do with things easing back into normalcy.

Big Bad and I finally got to see each other. It was only for a few hours yesterday. He still isn’t feeling well with whatever respiratory infection is going around. It was an extremely pleasant visit, though.

We played some matches of Soul Calibur. He was actually doing practice rounds with his favorite character when I showed up. How unfair is that? Pretty sure we need to classify that as cheating since I can’t practice. I mean, seriously. That’s an unfair advantage and I’m sticking to my guns on that one. It’s totally not because I have a burning need to kick his ass in a virtual game while yelling, “Take that!” at him or anything…

Even with his unfair advantage I still managed to win my fair share of the matches. I think by the time we called it quits it was 6 to 10.

We cuddled for a while afterward. No jujitsu sparring since his lungs are still infected with the plague. It was nice simply being close to him. It was nice realizing that even after over two weeks of not seeing each other the focus wasn’t sex but rather companionship. We rested together, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me. It was warm and connecting. We talked a little bit about my trip, about his holiday, about his mom’s birthday.

Eventually, as he was petting my hair, we lapsed into our shared silence. I actually fell asleep for a little bit, which was fantastic because I had slept horribly the night before, but that meant  I ended up being late getting to dinner with Nicole. I felt rude rushing out the way I did and I sent text messages to Big Bad as soon as I was able to apologizing.

I’m not sure when he and I will be able to see each other again. Hopefully before the 11th since that’s when I leave to visit my dad.

My blacksmith also wants us to spend time together. Along with everyone else who thinks I died in the last two weeks of not being in Orlando.

There’s a handful of people I legitimately want to see, but I think I’m going to have to limit my social time. As an introvert, I can feel the pressure of “too much social” building up. I need some space and downtime, or at least social interaction with the people who recharge me. My blacksmith is definitely on that list.

There’s a pang in my heart because I would like to see Mother  Earth, Josh, and Sir. I don’t think it will happen, though. One I’m not allowed to reach out to. Another told me to never message her again. And the last… I don’t know. I’ve reached out but nothing is ever set. Holidays have a way of making things crazy. Maybe now that it’s over it will change.

I don’t really have a whole lot to write about as far as my days go. The dojo repones today so I have three hours of ass kicking scheduled. I have therapy at 3 pm, which I think will go well. The holiday season turned out surprising well and I’m glad for it.

I have chores I want to do, so I’ll most likely shower and head out to accomplish those.

I painted the walls in my bathroom New Years eve. At 10 pm I posted a picture on Facebook with the message, “Ugh… this paint is going to take all year to dry.”

Sometimes I amuse myself. XD

I’ve figured out my resolution for this year. That means I have to talk to Tre and prepare him for me not accepting the contract offer. I’m pretty sure he’s been pushing his supervisor to highly consider me, so there’s a small amount of guilt for potentially making him look bad by not following through. Not enough to change my mind or make me alter my decision.

If my goal is to be happy then I shouldn’t do things that go against my priority. Not accepting the job might make things harder in the long run, but I’ll figure it out as I go, the same as I have for the past nine months. I’ll make it work, one way or another.

So I guess that’s where I am with that.

I ran again on Sunday. Added a half mile to my distance. Added a minute to my time. That was sort of lame, but I’m trying to look at the positive of it. Half mile. Woo. Go me.

It’s been amazingly warm this past week and I’m grateful for that as well. Winter is always hard for me. I think I’m doing better this year, all things considered, because of the warmth. I’m still able to get up and do things and bask in the sunlight in shorts and a tank top. I’m still able to feel alive rather than like I’m hibernating.

I redyed my hair, too. The roots had grown so long you couldn’t see the purple anymore when my hair was pulled back, which is always. I’m back to normal now, though. At least as normal as one can be with purple hair. I’ll most likely have to redye it on Friday since the roots didn’t take the color as well as I wanted. That’s normal though for right after having it bleached. I guess there’s something about the process that makes it angry. Finicky hair is finicky.

I got my brows waxed while I was there. Small girly self-indulgence.

I’ve gone through my cloths again, picking out the stuff that’s too big since there’s stuff like that now. I’m getting ride of some other stuff as well, like the sandals I replaced. That’s getting donated today, and a few things are going back into storage so they’re out of the apartment.

I’m working on getting my environment set up the way I want it. Completely. Fully. I’m not burnt out on painting anymore so that’s going to get done. I’m not worried about not being here in a month, so I have no reason to hold back on my efforts.

I’m here. In Orlando. And I’m here to stay. At least for now.

And with that I’m off to actually do my to-do list rather than procrastinating all day like I did yesterday.

 

shameless

Daily Post 144: Classes and Chinaware

Standard

Today has been all over the place and it’s past one in the morning so I’m ridiculously tired and I still have to shower so I’m not looking to get to sleep anytime soon, but I want to write, so here I am in front of the computer not adulting.

I went to three classes at the dojo today. Jujitsu at 6am, Muay Thai at 7pm. Then submission grappling at 8pm.

Today was the first day since I got the urn pendant that I had to take it off. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I didn’t question who I was or feel like a part of my soul was being ripped away. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, though. It’s like when I took mom’s ring off the first time when I started boxing. I knew I had to take it off or else her ring would get messed up. It still sucked because I didn’t want to be apart from it.

I turned taking her ring off into a bit of a ritual, like getting into the proper headspace before a game or performance. When the ring came off I was training. I was making myself better. I was taking it off to protect it.

I know I’ll get to that mentality with the necklace. It still sucked doing it, though. There were silent tears as I unclasped the hook and held the pendant in my hands since the first time I got it. The first times are always the hardest. Hopefully, that means it will be easier next time.

I most likely haven’t drunk enough water to make up for all of the sweat and tears today, because the pendant tears weren’t the only ones.

I unpacked mom’s china today when I got back from jujitsu. I didn’t inherit much from mom. Her ring. Her china hutch, which my grandfather made. And her china set.

I’ve left the china hutch wrapped in the furniture covers, tape across the doors, since I moved into the townhome. I knew it was something I would have to eventually get around to. I knew I would have to face those emotions at some point. I guess “eventually” was today.

It felt like I was pulling the tape off of myself. The sound of it coming free from the wood. The tension as I pulled it up. I could feel that ripping sensation across my heart.

By unpacking the hutch it became mine. Every cup, every plate became mine as I sat on the floor unwrapping it from the newspaper I had used while in Vegas. I cried. I cried so much.

It hurt, but it wasn’t anger or loss that made me cry. It’s happened a few times. Maybe more than I’m remembering. Sometimes I realize something, have some thought, make some connection, and I cry. It’s like I’m adjusting to the new information and it’s overwhelming, or powerful, or heavy, or whatever it is other than sad and angry. It’s so much of something that all I can do is cry.

I  cried until Warren came downstairs. He asked if I was ok. I said no, rubbing the tears away. I didn’t want to talk so we left it at that. He took Bruno outside then made his breakfast. I set the china in the hutch, displaying each plate the way I wanted it, detaching myself so the emotions could stay in check. Warren eventually went back upstairs. I set mom’s urn as the centerpiece.

I then curled up on the couch with the cardboard priority mail box she sent me for Christmas last year, the one I kept because I thought it would be my last gift from her, and I proceeded to cry more. Every card she ever sent me after I moved out is in that box. The book from her service, the one so many people signed is in there as well. The letter she left for me was there and maybe it’s because I’m an emotional masochist that I read it again. Maybe I needed to hear her voice in my head. Maybe I just needed a reminder that she loved me and things would be ok.

Whatever the reason I cried until I had nothing left to give.  I stayed on the couch with no intention to move for a  while.

My brother ended up calling me which is the only reason I got up. As soon as I answered the phone he asked what was wrong because of course he’s one of the few people who can instantly pick up on stuff like that. So much lame. >.<

I told him I had unpacked the china and that it had been hard. He asked if he needed to come be with me. I said no, that I would be ok. I had to be ok. It’s not like I have an option to not be.

We ironed out the last of the Thanksgiving plans, said our “I love you”s and hung up. Since I had walked up the stairs to my room while on the phone I decided that I had earned a nap due to emotional and physical tiredness. So I napped for about two hours. Bruno actually came  into my room and curled up with  me. I’m not normally one for dogs, but  having his company was nice.

Once I woke up I decided to continue working through the to-do list I had made, which unpacking the hutch had not been part of the game plan. Just want to toss that fact in…

I wanted to do errands before  going back to the dojo. I knew staying at home would just make me feel like a slacker. So instead of feeding into the sadness I loaded up my car and went to do errands. I donated more stuff. I did the Thanksgiving shopping, which was a nightmare of  people standing in the middle of the isle not getting out of the way. I also stopped by the storage unit to get my gi so I can wear it to the jujitsu classes.

I saw Nicole after going to the dojo. It was nice to see her. I told her about my day, and about how it had been hard. She told me about her own hard experience with wrapping Christmas gifts at her kitchen table, something she used to do with her own mom. Another mom who isn’t here anymore.

Other things happened during the day but I’m so tired right now that I don’t feel like writing more and that shower I know I should take most likely won’t happen until I wake up.

Right now I’m done. I don’t know what today was. It wasn’t bad. I don’t want to label it good either. It was long. Let’s go with that. Today was a long day, and now it’s over and I’m going to go to sleep.

Daily Post 143: Sunday, Monday, and Belly Dancing

Standard

Sunday I woke up early. 7am.

I got up, determined to finally, seriously, go for a run. I had breakfast, drank my coffee, got dressed, then realized as soon as I stepped out my door that it was 50 degrees outside and that I live in Orlando  and in no way was it ok for it to be that cold. That’s not taking  into account the added wind chill… Cold. So cold. And did I mention the, “not ok” part?

I’m happy to report I didn’t back down from the challenge, though. I put on long sleeves, drove to one of the bike trails and ran, reminding myself that it’s not going to be any warmer in February when I run my race so I might as well suck it up now and get used to it.

It wasn’t my best run by any stretch of the imagination. But any run is better than no run, and I was actually surprised my time was as good as it was. I could tell my hamstrings were tight and my quads were still angry from the jujitsu class but there wasn’t any hint of shin splint pain. And I’m pretty confident that the tightness in my hamstrings won’t be as bad the more I run and stretch them back out. My later intervals, once I was finally able to get warm, were actually really nice so I do think it’s more just working the rust out of some spots.

Once my run was done I came back home and started tackling the weekend chores. I got a bunch done, but mainly I was waiting for Warren to get up so we could do the grocery shopping.

We had lunch at a Chinese buffet. We had tried going there the morning we picked my bike up but they weren’t open at 10am. Since our first attempt had been a bust we decided to give it another shot, which was successful.

It was an alright experience but I’ve noticed that I don’t eat much at places like that anymore. Just not a whole lot I’m interested in and I usually feel like I can make better-tasting things at home.The conversation was light and pleasant, and we weren’t too far away from the oriental market I wanted to go to, so overall it wasn’t bad.

We ended up going to three different stores: the oriental market, a fresh produce store, and then Publix. By the time we were done and back home I was running on fumes. It was nice to be in the kitchen on my own prepping the food and decompressing from being out and about so much. I needed the recharge since  I was supposed to meet Nicole for dinner.

It was fantastic to see her again. We had so much to catch up on since we haven’t seen each other in roughly three weeks. We parted ways around 9pm with plans to hang out again the following Monday since that’s when she will be celebrating her birthday.

I guess I really need to add birthday and Christmas present shopping to my list. I haven’t even begun to think about Christmas. I really don’t want to right now because I’m sure that will be all sorts of emotional hardship to work through so I’m going to keep typing away about everything else instead because procrastination is a thing. : D

I went to sleep pretty much right when I got home from dinner.

I woke up this morning at 7am again. I allowed myself to have a slow, lazy morning. I cooked eggs with spinach, mushroom, and onion mixed into them instead of doing the egg half sandwich I’ve been doing. I got a container of peach mango salsa at the store yesterday and it actually went amazingly well with everything.

I boiled eggs to mix into the tuna I planned to make later. I finished doing the laundry. I cleaned up the few dishes that were dirty… Not really a whole lot else happened until around 11:30am, which is when I got ready for my jujitsu class.

After how busy I felt things had been the previous day, and with how busy they were going to continue to be throughout the day, I didn’t feel bad about having a slack morning. It was actually really nice having my coffee in the empty living room listening to silence.

Jujitsu was fun. I met another instructor today. I learned the entry point for the back hook. I learned another choke, too. This class wasn’t as intense as the first one. Another thing I was ok with since I’m still sore. Pretty sure I already mentioned the soreness, but I also feel I need to mention it again because holy crap I haven’t been this sore since my first aikido class.

Totally non-related segway into a completely different topic…

Something that’s been itching in the back of my mind is belly dancing. I guess I didn’t get my ass kicked enough at the dojo today or maybe I need to be reminded on what the word “recovery” really means, since “doing an Internet search to find out when I can do more physically demanding things” seems to mean “recovery” to my brain.

Anyway, ever since I’ve moved to Orlando I’ve had to drive past a belly dancing studio on my way to the campus. I always thought it would be interesting to check it out. You know. See what it’s all about. Maybe have some fun with it.

While I was going to school I felt like I never had the time to go.  Then I was employed and with a constantly fluxing schedule I never got around to it, or other things had my attention, or I didn’t have  the financial means.

Now, I have both the time and the means to look into it, so I’m looking into it.

I looked up the times for beginner classes and decided I was going to go try it out. Now. Tonight. Today. Now or never sort of thing.

With that set in my mind, I went and had dinner with my brother. I got to meet his friend / boyfriend. I’m not really 100% sure what their relationship status is but he seems like a really nice person. We had great conversation while we ate and then played an extremely interesting Commander game for Magic the Gathering. Jon’s partner won the match, but I did pretty well and was happy that it was a fairly competitive match for all three of us rather than it feeling one-sided.

After dinner I went home, changed, then went to the belly dance class.

It was amazingly fun. There was only one other student there tonight. I guess with it being the holiday week most people are out of town. The dojo has been pretty empty as well. I don’t mind, though. It’s allowing me to figure out myself in the environments without the added pressure of a billion people who already know what they’re doing.

Going to the belly dancing class means I missed out on Muay Thai tonight, but I’m thinking I sort of like this arrangement. The beginner belly dance classes are Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. So I can alternate Muay Thai and belly dancing in the evenings which will give me enough of a difference that I won’t get bored with anything. At least, in theory, it seems like it will work.

In theory, I’m also apparently Wonder Woman and need no rest days… So… yeah… As nice as all of this seems like it will be inside of my head I’m not 100% sure if it will be within my range at the moment. I might end up doubling up jujitsu and muay thai and doing the belly dancing on its own as a recovery day. Not sure yet. I have options, though, so I’ll adjust as I need to.

I was supposed to see Big Bad tonight but we decided to rain check it instead. While I do want to see him I’m sort of glad we both agreed on canceling our plans. It was already sort of late so we wouldn’t have gotten much time together since he has to wake up for work. I want to go to a jujitsu class at 6am, which means I’m looking at being up around 5am because coffee…

Since it’s the holiday week he has a lot of social obligations, but we’re going to try to meet over the weekend at the park again.

I’ve made the  most of the  extra time I gained tonight. I been able to work through all of my daily chores, install Maya 2015 on my computer once again, and battle plan out  my day for tomorrow so I know what I want to get done and how to do it efficiently.

I’m also getting a chance to write my blog which is always nice and lets me have closure to my day.

I might write a prompt post depending on how involved it is. I also want to brush Scarlet a bit before tossing in the towel for today. But overall, I’m happy and content. Tomorrow is going to be busy. It’s also going to start early.

I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 142: Jujitsu Killed Me

Standard

Friday was a good day. Grace and I spent a long time talking at the sushi cafe. We always end up spending at least three hours hanging out when we finally work our schedules around to the point where we can see each other. Socially I was drained by the time we parted ways, but the lunch and company were fantastic so I didn’t mind feeling so tired. It was worth it.

I got through more of the “in” box. There’s still a few things left to pick through, but it’s mostly empty now. I have a small pile of donation stuff. I gave some things to Warren. I threw more stuff away. I set up my toll pass finally, not that I really need it anymore. I paid to renew my tags so I should get those before too long. I turned in my change of address form and updated all of my “important” accounts with my new address like my bank.

I even set up the remote desktop functionality on my Surface so I can access my desktop, and, by proxy, the Mac virtual machine, no matter where I am. All I need is an internet connection. Once I get Maya installed on my desktop that means I’ll be able to work on my projects where ever I want, not just as home. It will be like old times when I had the Macbook laptop.

So, yeah. Lots of adulting. Lots of good feels in that regard.

I wrote to mom yesterday shortly before going to see Big Bad. That was hard but needed and long overdue. I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I figured out that aspect of my journey.

My evening with Big Bad went well. We talked for a while before wrestling. He told me about his week. I told him about the trip home. We wrestled. He still won every time, but I was able to get out of his locks a handful of times, so I’m getting better.

This morning while we were having coffee I told him about the potential, maybe, “sort of thinking about it” job offer. He thinks I should go for it.

Me: Would I still be able to see you when I come home?
Big Bad: Of course.

I know insecurity is the reason I asked the question, but hearing his response makes me feel a smidgen better about pursuing this possibility. One of the reasons, honestly, maybe the only reason, the thought of moving or having to leave Orlando makes me panic is because I’m worried about losing or harming the dynamics in my life. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m abandoning them. I feel like I need to keep the people I have in my life because I’m not ready to lose anyone else yet, which may be a slightly unhealthy mentality I need to meditate on.

Taking emotions out of it… this is a really good opportunity. I honestly couldn’t think of a way it could be better for my career aside from it not requiring me to be onsite in California. Amazing pay, benefits, excellent credit to my resume, content I could use for future demo reels, contacts…

The only downside I can come up with is that it’s in Californa. Emotionally, that’s a really huge downside, though. Like, “almost a deal breaker from the get-go” downside.

I need to crunch numbers. I need to reach out to a few other people to make sure this won’t damage anything between us, and to meditate on my course of action if any of those answers come back as “yes”.

At most, it would be eleven months of my life. Eleven months of traveling to Orlando about every other week to see the people I love and care about. Eleven months of most likely living in an extended stay most of the time. Eleven months to build the most solid foundation I could ask for. A foundation I could use here in Orlando once those eleven months are over.

The more I think about it the more I want to try for it. For myself. This would be good for me. It would be like the validation I felt when I was doing freelance for [insert big company name here]. I know I can do this work. I know I would crush it and be amazing. It would be another experience where big name people come back and say, “We like your work.”

It’s a huge ego boost and I do think that would be a positive thing right now. It would let me see if I do want to continue in this field, one I used to have so much passion for. One I still smile about and geek out over when I explain to people what I used to do before I resigned from my job.

I honestly think trying for this job would be smart of me.

But…

I need to talk to my blacksmith. I know he will be supportive. I know he wants me to do well in life and to be happy. Out of everyone in my life I honestly think he is the person I need to worry the least about. Funny how he’s the one I’m worried about the most.

Before, when it was looking like I would move to Vegas to live near my older brother, he was supportive, saying we would find a way to make it work.

This is a much more agreeable situation for “making it work” since I would be pulling in the income needed to actually be able to come home. I don’t know why there’s more anxiety now over the thought of telling him about this possibility. Maybe it’s fear of rejection or confrontation. Fear that maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s fear about my situation becoming unstable again since I’ve only recently found solid ground.

Those seem like silly things to fear, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m not as fearless as I thought during my last musing moment. I still have a sense of self-preservation. I need to make sure it’s fear for the right reasons, though. Fear to the point of feeling like my world is shattering over simply the thought of having to move again doesn’t seem like a good thing. It feels more like a phobia or the panic / PTSD I feel when the plane takes off on the runway.

This fear makes my breath short and my body tense. It makes my brain panic and freeze. I can’t think past the thought of moving. Breathing is hard. My body aches as if I’m being punched in the chest. The loudest thought in my head becomes, “I don’t want to move.” It repeats over and over like a desperate plea rather than a conviction, and it’s only by eventually reminding myself that I don’t have to move, it’s not an obligation, it’s not something I’m being forced to do, that I’m able to ease the tension away.

Knowing the contract is temporary and that I could potentially keep my home here in Orlando helps a lot with the panic. It’s not the situation I thought it was. It’s not a permanent thing. There would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and as long as I keep my mind on the goals I’m accomplishing by fulfilling the contract, then I think I would be able to keep a, “worth it” mentality.

Still, I feel like it’s something I should bring up in my next therapy session.

I didn’t go running this morning, which I’m actually grateful for because jujitsu totally, completely, utterly killed me. I didn’t realize it until I was walking up the stairs to go to my room. I got done at the gym and felt a little tired, a little sore, but nothing crazy. Mostly I was just super hungry and thirsty.

My body rebelled about halfway up the stairs, reminding me, “hey, muscles need rest. By the way, I hate you.” Instead of moving forward with all of the productive things I had in mind for the day I crawled into bed and slept for the next forever. I didn’t get back out of bed until 4pm. I’m still super tired feeling, but it’s a physical tired, so I don’t mind it. Hopefully, it means I’ll sleep well tonight.

When I woke up I went through Omnifocus and did the few chores left over from yesterday, as well as all of the things I wanted to get done today. Well… everything except grocery shopping.

Warren and I are going to do that tomorrow. I’m making green curry this week and need to pick up a few things for it, so Warren’s going to go with me that way he gets to see the oriental market I go to. Tomorrow night I’m having dinner with Nicole since I haven’t seen her in roughly three weeks. Monday I have dinner plans with my brother. I’m going to be meeting one of his friends from when he was stationed in Germany.

So much social. ;-;

I am for sure, no backing out, going to go for a run tomorrow since the gym is closed on Sunday.

Oh, and I was able to put my boxing membership on hold rather than having to cancel my account. That’s nice. I would rather try out the dojo for a bit just to make sure before completely dropping boxing.

Monday there’s a jujitsu class in the early afternoon I want to go to. There is a Muay Thai fundamentals class in the evening but going to that will depend on when dinner with Jon ends. Big Bad wants me to come over Monday night to show him what I learned today in class.

Oh man, is he in for a surprise. I know the back hook now, two chokes, and an escape. His days of winning are so numbered.

And with that, I’m going to go cross stitch for a bit while listening to American Gods before passing out again.

Daily Post 141: More Muay Thai Please

Standard

I went to the Muay Thai class today. It was a lot of fun. I got to meet two of the other instructors and both of them were extremely nice.

They kept commenting on how I had good form. I felt like I wasn’t kicking right since I’m supposed to be using my shin more than the top of my foot. Being aware of it means I can improve.

I surprised myself with how high I’m able to kick now. I can get to the neck region. Not quite able to hit someone’s temple yet, but so close. Pretty soon it will be something like this…

download-1

I go back Saturday afternoon for jujitsu. I’m pretty much already hooked from this one experience. It was  great.

Today has been a decent day. Not overly crazy productive, but I’m happy with what I got done. Setting up the virtual machine took way longer than I was expecting. I kept running into issues and having to troubleshoot through things. But, I didn’t toss in the towel, because screw you, Computer. You will bend to my will!

So now I have a Mac OS machine named Mac Daddy on my Windows desktop.

I got OmniFocus installed on the Mac. I got Dropbox setup, too. I even reinstalled MacStitch so if I wanted to I could make custom cross stitch patterns again. I then proceed to go through Omnifocus, deleting projects I’m no longer working on, adjusting my “daily” chores to reflect my tasks in the new apartment, shifting things around, adding context and due dates. I haven’t set any new goals or started battle planning out my demo reel, but I’m content with just cleaning house at the moment.

I washed my sheets because I was tired of all the cat fur. I talked to both Big Bad and my blacksmith this morning.

I started going through my “in” box when I got back from the gym. That was hard emotionally. There were pictures of mom and other memory things. I threw a lot of papers away. A lot it was sketched art that I did back when I was a student. I was holding onto it because I wasn’t ready to let it go. I am now. So it’s gone.

I haven’t finished going through the dreaded “in” box, but I made progress and that makes me feel good. I made it through all my OmniFocus daily tasks. Everything except “work on a craft project” which, since it’s almost one in the morning, I have no intention of doing.

I have a lunch date with Grace tomorrow. I’m spending the evening with Big Bad. We have plans to go running Saturday morning. Maybe we won’t be slackers this time and actually do it. Hopefully, if we do go, I won’t be too burnt out for jujitsu later in the afternoon.

I have a handful of chores I want to do tomorrow. One of them being canceling my membership at my current gym since I’m pretty sold on the Muay Thai place.

I just got done shopping online for new tops. I got four of them from Wish.com. It’s a pretty interesting site I heard about from a friend. I’m hoping I like the tops when they come in. I don’t like online shopping. I want to be able to touch and hold what I’m about to buy. I want to try it on and feel how it fits me. At the same time, I want to be able to find what I’m looking for without having to go to a billion stores to find it… So we’ll see how this turns out.

Four tops for 50 bucks, including shipping… can’t really beat that.

And with that, my to-do list is done, and I’m officially off to bed.