kickboxing

Daily Post 0180: New Routines

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I’m behind a few days. Back to making a checklist for what to write about I suppose.

Fight with Zane
Interview scheduled
$20 for razors x.x
Issue with classes resolved
Talked to mom

Kickboxing KO
Went running
Week 3 – digital painting
Double billed for storage unit
Picked up books for class

New come home routine
Guest speaking

There was a ‘fight’ on Monday when I got back home from work. You know… the day that we got the information about the job and that things were looking up. The day that should have been awesome ended up taking a giant nose dive that didn’t get better until Tuesday morning.

Beyond mind-blowingly frustrating pretty much sums it up. How could we have a bad day when we got the best news we could have possibly hoped for? Arg! >.<;

Anyway, instead of writing my blog on Tuesday I wrote to Zane instead. Part of the issue was he was frustrated with me and my lack of communication on Monday night. Having the space and time to think through my emotions helped, and being able to write was part of that process.

Since then things have been good. I’ll most likely end up posting the letter I wrote so I can have it here, a loose leaf page tucked into my digital journal. I want to hold on to it. It was / is important to me, and I feel it deserves to be here along with all of my other writings.

The phone interview went well for Zane so all that’s left is for him to go to the in-person interview next week. We’re most likely going to go out to lunch to celebrate afterwards.

Yesterday, after talking about the icky stuff we ended up going to the grocery store. Zane recently shaved his head (and by recently I mean like a month ago), so every few days I help him touch up by shaving the back of his head, getting the spots that he sometimes misses. The razor he uses is sort of old, so we talked about looking at getting new razor heads for it. That ended up being a $20 investment.

I wasn’t expecting them to be so expensive. But really it’s still only about 5 bucks for one replacement, since it was a pack of four. It cut into a bit of next week’s grocery budget. It will be nice to feel like I’m not tearing his skin off when I help clean up his scalp though, so I guess it’s not completely bad. He told me to add it to the “Money Owed” Google doc.

The issue with my online class is completely resolved. I have to go to the distribution center to pick up two books for this month. Actually, I’ve already been there, but for whatever reason I only got one book. I had been pretty sure I needed two, but when I was only handed one I figured I must have been mistaken.

Nope. I was right. When I got back to my computer I checked my assigned reading for this week, and of course all if it is in the book I didn’t get. So before too long, most likely after this post, I’ll walk back over there and see about picking it up.

Mom had called me yesterday morning, before things were resolved with Zane. I was still in bed sort of dreading the day. I made plans to talk to her later, but never did. I sent her a message this morning to let her know I was up and able to talk. She called me a little bit after that, right when I was sitting down to eat breakfast. XD
Phone tag anyone?

I ended up calling her back after I ate, and we chatted for about an hour as I put the cloths away.

I told her about all of the developments with Zane, about working on my certification, and about how things were looking up. She told me the developments about selling the house and her trip out to Vegas. It was a good conversation and I’m glad we got to talk. I feel better talking to someone about the issues with Zane and getting outside perspective on the situation.

I did kickboxing Saturday morning and yesterday evening. Not sure if I mentioned that or not. I’m super feeling it today, which is supposed to be another kickboxing day. I’m going to try going to it, and then possibly taking tomorrow as a rest day, or doing something stretchy like yoga. Stretching would be the best option since I can feel the tightness in my legs and core. Yeah… yesterday we did 15 minutes of core work. Russian twists. >.<;

Surprisingly my core isn’t sore today even though it felt like dying would have been the better option while I was working out.

Monday I went running even though I wasn’t feeling ‘good’ emotionally. I’m glad I did. I made a new playlist to listen to before I went to the gym and that helped. The music really jived with me and kept me going, which I needed. I also spent some time stretching and meditating afterwards.

I’ve started in on week three of my art stuff. I’ve finished one project completely and started on a second one. A dragon. I got all of the base color in yesterday with some simple shading, but I wasn’t able to finish it before having to pack up for the gym, and then work.

I’m hoping to get it finished today, though I don’t know if I will or not. I only spend about an hour, maybe two, drawing / doing artys stuff a day. I don’t know if it will be at a point that I will consider it completed in two hours. I’m going to try though. It might extend into a three day project. I will be ok if it does. It will just be something to keep in mind for the next time I focus on digital painting for a week. I’ll only be doing three maybe four pieces rather than seven.

I found out last night that U-Haul double billed me for my storage unit, so I was missing $150 in my account. I’m glad I caught that before my gym membership tried to go through. I’ve already called the store this morning and got that taken care of. They couldn’t do a partial refund, so they refunded me for the whole amount and I will need to make the payment again once the funds are back in my account.

I’m pretty sure I know what happened. The first time I tried to pay I was told that it was declined, so I tried to pay a second time, which worked. I’m guessing that the first time actually did go through. Either way, the issue is fixed, so there’s nothing to worry about in that department.

On the topic of money, I’m pretty sure this is the last month that I’m going to have to pay for the YMCA membership. So that will be an extra $45 each month that I’ll be able to throw at my credit card. Woo.

I had an email from a coworker last night, Robin, asking me to be a guest speaker for a club she is reimaging. It is a club specifically for women at the school and she was looking for “inspirational and successful female faculty” to be guest speakers at the clubs meetings.

I was humbled and honored to be one of the people Robin asked to speak. I don’t think I’m all that inspirational or successful, especially right now as I feel all I do is complain and whine constantly about my life. I don’t know what I would have to offer as a guest speaker.

But, despite that I told Robin I would love to speak at the meetings, because I would. I love sharing my experience as a former student, and now as a faculty member. I love talking about the freelance projects I have done, and the people I have had the pleasure of meeting and connecting with. I also told her to let me know if there was anything I could do, and that I would love to be part of the club. So we’ll see what happens with that.

Going a bit more into detail about the blow-up on Monday night… Zane had said, again, how he felt lonely. How even though we’re living together that we never really spend any time together anymore. It was frustrating, and discouraging, and the more he pressed for me to talk, the more I wanted to be left alone, which made him frustrated, which made me feel worse and pull away more…

Overall it just sucked. He ended up sleeping in the living room for a while. When he came into the room eventually I wasn’t able to sleep next to him because I hardcore needed space, from everything, not specifically him, so we basically traded places on the couch.

I wrote an email to him in the morning while he was still asleep. I wanted to type it all out and get it out of my system. I wanted him to know that I felt he had valid points on some things, and how others I felt were unfair to me. When he woke up I mentioned that I had sent him my writing, and that I would be hiding in the living room. XD

he teased me, but didn’t make me stay in the room while he read the email. When he was done he out and sat next to me on the couch. He hugged me and said we were ok since I had mentioned that I was terrified that my writing would ruin our day before it even had a chance to start.

It actually really helped things. He agreed with a lot of my points. He said that he was looking at the situation with a bit of a biased light, and that wasn’t fair. He understood where I was coming from on all of my issues.

One issue he has with me is that I tend to be agitated when I come home from work. And I agree that most of the time I am, and that I feel it’s because I don’t have a “come home” routine anymore.

When I lived alone I would come home, put my stuff down, clean the litter box, feed Scarlet, do any sort of kitchen cleaning that needed to happen… I had this system that helped me transition from work mode to home mode, and in the few months that Zane and I have been living together we haven’t really established a new routine.

He mentioned that it has been years since he has co-existed with a significant other, so he’s having to adjust to it, too.

For me, when I come home, normally he’s watching some sort of YouTube show or anime. I feel like an intruder most of the time because I feel like I’m interrupting him. Even though he says hi, he doesn’t get up and hug me. It feels like he’s occupied with something else. It doesn’t feel very warm and welcoming.

I don’t want to do things around the room because I don’t want to be distracting, and he wants cleaning the cat’s pan to be his chore, so that’s a task that I can’t really do… Sometimes he get annoyed if I clean the kitchen because he wanted to do it for me… I don’t want to start doing my own thing because I don’t know if we’re supposed to be doing something together…

I’m normally a ball of confusion and angst until we figure out what we’re doing for the evening, which makes me seem prickly. I need a plan otherwise I’m left floundering and that confusion makes me abrasive.

I mentioned that in my email. And one of his solutions was to give us a routine. Whenever someone comes home, me or him, we’re supposed to greet each other with a hug, and if we haven’t already, figure out what dinner is and what we’re feeling for the evening since most of the time that fluctuates depending on how the rest of the day has gone.

It’s so silly, so small, but knowing what to expect for the first five minutes of coming home makes it seem so much easier to do. More accepting, more stable. Reliable. If he’s home, there will always be at least a hug. If he’s not home, then there will be alone time, and I can do whatever I want until Zane gets of work, then there will be a hug for him.

I like it. Yesterday we put it into practice, so with only one day worth of testing behind it it’s a 100% success. Yay statistics. : D

I think it will help with me being more approachable. It will give me a chance to hide for a second against his shoulder, to breath deep, and to let go of work.

I think a lot of our issues with spending time together will be resolved once he starts working again. I’ll get the alone time that I need.

I really hope I’m not looking at the future with rose tinted glasses. I’m trying to go off of the few months we were together before Zane lost his job at the hookah lounge. Those months were exactly what I wanted and was hoping for as far as a “move in situation” goes. I’m trying to use those months as my proof that the social strain on our relationship will fix itself in time.

I do think he has a valid point though. Almost every relationship I have been in has mentioned how they feel ‘alone’ because I’m always so busy with other things. How it feels I never make time for them. If multiple people have the same issue, then there has to be some validity. It’s not an anomaly or one person being “clingy”. It is something that I will be more mindful of.

That’s about it for right now I think. My to-do list already has a fair amount of scratches on it. Time to make some more.

Daily Post 0174: Leading By Example

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It’s 10:30. I’m sitting at the kitchen table since I cleared off a space on it. Zane is in the room sleeping. He was up late and isn’t ready to wake up yet.

Yesterday was another day that started well enough and then ended badly. For both of us.

There was an off-handed comment, I’m sure it was meant to be self-depreicating and a ‘joke’, But it wasn’t funny to me. And I don’t know what to do with the swarm of anger and sadness inside me.

I scanned my artwork yesterday before leaving school. I got to see Mike, a co-worker who was moved to a different department. I got to see Sean as well and split a cookie with him since there was leftover food in the breakroom from some meeting that had happened.

I went home and was able to go to kickboxing. It was a good workout, but the sound system kept messing up so it was a little frustrating. I came home and had time to spend with Zane before showering and going to dinner.

I had a wonderful evening with Nicole, Marc, and Desiree. I might be seeing Nicole on Thursday before she leaves town at 3 in the morning on Friday. She’s nervous but excited about her move. I’m hoping everything works out for her. She deserves it.

I came back home afterwards, and that when things got a little icky.

The sink was full of dishes, and none of them were mine. I had cleaned the kitchen before I left for work, and it had been empty before going out to dinner. Zane was in the room watching anime. He had drawn a little bit earlier in the day while I was at work, and I actually like how his sketch turned out, but he had said job stuff would happen and it didn’t seem like anything had.

And this was after I had a conversation with my mom where I said I felt like the situation was different. How I reassured her that even though the situation was rough and sort of sucky, that I felt like leaving would be the wrong thing. I felt like I was eating my words.

Zane asked what was wrong, I mentioned the kitchen, which he said he would take care of. I asked about job applications. He hadn’t done anything. He would tomorrow.

I said ok.

He asked if I was alright. I was quiet for a little while, then I said that I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. That I didn’t want to be angry, but part of me was. I asked what he would feel if he was in my situation.

His answer was angry. I nodded. Scarlet was in the room, sitting in front of me as I sat in my computer chair, contemplating my situation. I ended up curling up on the floor with her so we could cuddle. It was comforting to feel her purring next to me.

Zane actually ended up filling out a few applications while I was spending time with Scarlet. There was silence which I was thankful for.

One of the applications he is in the process of filling out is for a post office position. It pays 15 an hour, but I guess the application is beyond annoying since it is a government job. He ended up getting frustrated because he has to call a number to get some information, so he didn’t finish the application last night.

Instead he stopped. He would finish it when he woke up since the place he needed to call wouldn’t be open at midnight. We watched an episode of Aldnoah. Three more left. We’re supposed to finish it today, but I don’t think we will. I don’t think I’m up for it. At least not right now.

When the episode was over we started talking. He’s upset and frustrated. He doesn’t want to get a part time job because it won’t be enough money. I had mentioned applying at the grocery stores or other businesses close to the apartment. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to work in fast food. He doesn’t want to have to go through that for the fourth time in his life.

I can understand that. But I can also see how it’s not fair to me. He doesn’t feel like he deserves this hardship in his life, but I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t think it’s right that I sell valuable items to cover someone else’s life because they don’t feel like they should have to work a part time minimum wage job while I go to work and not only deal with my stress but the added stress of figuring out how to support someone else.

If he had been working part time minimum wage for the past two months he would have his bike fixed already. He would be able to apply to more jobs because travel wouldn’t be an issue.

I told him that if he worked at all, that the money could go towards the bike. That I would keep covering as much as I could of his expenses so he could get it fixed since that’s one of the main issues.

He said ok. That he would apply to more places.

I don’t know how it came about, but he ended up saying that a solution would be going outside and stepping into traffic but at midnight there wasn’t traffic. How then he wouldn’t be a burden to those around him.

I was furious. I was hurt. I still am.

I left the living room. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have anything except blind emotion. Righteous fury blended seamlessly with ice cold depression.

I went into the room and had an angry cry where I felt like my actions aren’t enough. My effort and caring aren’t enough. My support isn’t enough.

I can’t be his will to live. I can’t be his will to change. He has to want that for himself. He has to want to be in a different place in life rather than sitting and wallowing in icky, murky water.

Just like me. We both have to want to change, and to actually do things to alter the situation.

I feel like I am. I feel like I’m working on myself, and putting in more effort into maintaining emotional stability. I feel like I’m doing better with the gym and that plays a huge role into it. I feel like I’m trying.

I can’t be the change for him. I can only be an example.

I wish this didn’t hurt.

Daily Post 160: Aaarrrggg…

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I have to drink the rest of my bottle of water before I can go to sleep, but I soooo just want to crawl into bed and die for a little bit. Today was another day of kickboxing. Another super fantastic workout. I really am enjoying going to the class.

That happened way later in the day though.

After finishing up with my blog I made a to-do list and started mercilessly hacking away at it.

I messaged my brother about the storage unit since his stuff is being stored in there now. He said he would help pay for it; $100 a month, but he wouldn’t be able to do that for a little bit. I guess he had some unexpected expenses come up… haven’t we all…

I told him that was fine, and that I could cover the cost of the unit, and that since the amount was due at the beginning of the month I would just pester him next time I had to make a payment.

So that is semi-taken-care-of.

I talked to Nasse for a little bit. I explained why I hadn’t messaged him over the weekend and that a trip home right now isn’t financially possible. He mentioned that the picture he wanted me to draw is no longer needed. I guess the situation changed and it wouldn’t be an appropriate gift now. I’m sort of glad I procrastinated on that. Other than that he’s doing well.

I got the fax number for my previous clinic so my medical records can be requested.

By then it was about time for me to shower and head to work. I ate a quick lunch which Zane woke up during. We talked for a little bit. I broke down and asked him to do the eggs while I was gone. He said he would, and that he had meant to do that before going to sleep.

Once I was showered I headed to work where I completed all of the reading for my class and took the quiz. Another 100, woo. No one has replied to the discussion board yet, which is fine. I took a look at the final assignment for the month and began working on it. My fictional magazine is going to be called WOC (Weapon of Choice) with a d20 next to the title, because I’m a nerd like that. : D

After work I went to Walgreens to pick up the creams I needed, then headed home.

Zane was awake and the eggs were boiled. Massive points were earned.

We talked a bit more about school, and about my level of comfort with co-signing. He offered to ask his brother to co-sign for him and I said I would like it if he tried to find other people so it wasn’t solely riding on me.

He did ask, but his brother said he wouldn’t be able to at the moment. If things changed for him he would let Zane know. I do feel better that Zane tried. There’s nothing else to do other than to go to the meeting tomorrow and get more information. If only it was tomorrow already and I had the answers to make decisions with…

Zane and I cleaned the room since I had some time to kill before going to the gym. It wasn’t super messy, but there were little piles here and there, and they were bothering me. I put the cloths away and loaded the dishwasher.

Eventually I had to get changed and walk to the gym. The class was amazing and I can already tell I’ll be feeling it tomorrow.

After the class I came home and started cooking dinner. We did garlic chicken with green beans and tomatoes with wild rice. Such a fantastic dinner, though to be honest I was so hungry by then that dirt might have tasted good. I blew through one bottle of water, but still want to get through another one before calling it a night.

The kitchen is clean, the leftovers are put away, my workout is logged on Runkeeper, and I’m showered and ready for bed. I might try to cross stitch for a little bit, something I haven’t been doing. I think that will help me fully unwind from the day since I’m still a little wired.

I feel like today was productive and that I got a lot of stuff taken care of.

I have grading I need to start, but I’ll save that for tomorrow. I’m happy with today, and I’ll leave it as is.

Daily Post 0155: Kickboxing Kicked My…

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I went to the kickboxing class at the gym today. I’m still warm from it, hours later, three 28 fl oz bottles of water and a shower later. I’m still revved up so I know I will either a) not be sleeping tonight or b) taking NyQuil to knock myself out.

I’m not sure if this is something normal for working out, but it seems normal for me. I always go through this phase when I up my intensity. An object in motion wants to stay in motion. It’s physics. My body, my very cells, want to get going, keep moving, even though my brain is mush.

I woke up early again. 5:30. Wake. Wide awake. Not going back to sleep for a while awake. I was hungry and thirsty, too. Much lame. I ended up having an apple with peanut butter and poking around online for a bit. Since I was awake so early I looked to see what classes were at the gym. There was yoga at 8. I had already missed the spin class starting at 5:45.

I felt good about the yoga class, but I knew with my luck I would get to like 7:30 and suddenly get exhausted and go back to sleep. I wasn’t too far off. I only made it to 7. I did set my alarm for 8 just on the off chance that I could wake up again to go. But when the alarm went off I decided very quickly that sleep was more important. So off the alarm went.

I slept until 11 at which point I rolled over. Zane had his arm across his eyes, his palm upward with his fingers slightly curled. I stared at him for a while. He had gone to sleep with me last night. It was the first time in a while that we’ve actually gone to sleep together. Normally he stays up doing his own thing since at the moment he doesn’t really have a reason to have a bed time.

He stayed up the whole day on only three hours of sleep so he would be able to go to sleep with me last night. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having him against my back. It was nice to not feel alone.

It felt nice to wake up and roll over and see him sleeping, to hear his breathing. I put my fingers against his, holding his hand as he slept, and just thought over the situation we’re both in.

He ended up waking up. I said good morning, which lead him asking what time it was. He asked if I had gotten up last night. When I had come back to bed he had made some joke about how dare I go to the restroom, and I mentioned how I had been up for almost two hours. He had said something to the effect of ‘oh,’ and gone back to sleep almost instantly. It was pretty cute.

I guess he wasn’t sure if that had actually happened or not. Yes it did happen. I explained how I had thought about going to the gym, but came back to bed instead. We both got up eventually and had breakfast. He had a yogurt with granola. I had scrambled eggs with salsa and cheese.

We watched an episode of our new anime, Aldnoah Zero. By then it was 12:20 and I had to shower to go to school. Lab was uneventful. I got caught up on all of my emails and messaging. I researched more for my ticket stub assignment. I have a solid concept now, and I have the text and dimensions blocked out for the InDesign file.

Tomorrow I’ll be creating the graphics I need and picking the fonts I want to use. I would like to be finished with the assignment before coming home so I can begin work on the final project for the week.

Anyway, I made fairly good progress on the design before the end of lab. When it was over I went to the bank, intending to get a money order for half of the rent that is owed. I thought the branch I go to stayed open until 5pm, but I guess that’s only on Fridays. They closed at 4 today, so I wasn’t able to get the order like I wanted. Much lame…

I came home instead. The kickboxing class was at 7pm, so I had a little bit of time to kill before the gym. Zane and I chatted for a while, which was nice. He told me about jobs he’s been applying to. I talked about school and how my project was late. He asked why and I mentioned because of how rough Monday had been between us. He agreed that it had gone pretty bad. We both apologized for the parts we played in the downward spiral.

I ended up going to the bed room to rest for an hour. Not really sleep, just to be alone and in silence for a little while. Scarlet came with me, so we had some cuddly bonding time. It was nice. She hasn’t been sleeping on the bed with me at night recently.

I got up around 6:45, changed, and headed to the gym.

It was a fantastic class. There is a woman teaching it, which I’m more comfortable with, and there were only three other people there, so there was tons of space, and all of them were girls, too. No “Do you even lift bro” dudes to worry about.

It was a great class, a fantastic workout, and I’ll totally be going back to it as often as I can.

That being said, I can already feel my legs are super tired, and I can only imagine what my shoulders are going to be like tomorrow. Angry. Most likely angry.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a run day. I’m not sure if my legs will be up for it, but I’m hoping so. I want to do a 14 minute mile by the end of the month. I don’t know how realistic that is. But it gives me something to work towards.

Zane had dinner cooking when I got back from the gym. We watched another episode of Aldnoah Zero. Afterwards we ended up running to the gas station so I could get some Gatorade. Water wasn’t doing enough for me, and eating didn’t seem to be the issue either since I ate my bowl, and the little bit that Zane didn’t want. The Gatorade is helping, I think, but I’m still warm and wired.

I’m going to make my to-do list, finish another bottle of water along with my Gatorade… I feel like I’m part fish right now… And then call it a night.