jujitsu

Daily Post 147: One Week Later

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Last Monday was a rough day. I didn’t want to go out, but I did. I don’t remember a whole lot from it since it’s so far in the past now. I made myself get up and go to the dojo. It was a rough workout where I still had tears from taking off mom’s necklace. I cried in my car afterwards because a lot of the emotions were close to the surface.

 

I had my list of things I wanted to do but when I got home I opted for resting instead. I was tired from jujitsu and pretty low energy from surviving Thanksgiving, plus I had a dinner date with Nicole, Desiree, and Mark that I needed to be able to live through. I wasn’t all that worried about actually doing “things”. The longer I stayed in bed though the more I thought about how I would really rather at least try to do something.

So I tired. I got up and went back out. Go me. I went to the post office, checked my mail, and closed out my PO box since everything seems to have switched over to my new address.

I took an assessment of my energy levels and decided I was still ok to go to Publix for a few things. I was really close to being tapped out afterward. I thought about just going home and resting until dinner. I had given myself the task of going to Verizon and looking into the phone bill, though. That needed to happen sooner rather than later, so I resolved myself to actually going with the promise that if I wasn’t up for dinner after taking  care of that task I wouldn’t make myself go. I would rain check it. I needed to be a responsible adult, though, and this was  one of the things I had been avoiding for way too long. I was already out, might as well go do it rather than saving the suffering for later.

Well… the phone adventure was amazing. I got one of the nicest receptionists I’ve ever met. Through our interaction, I told her the whole story about Zane and why I wanted him off the plan.

At the moment we’re waiting for him to accept liability of the phone. If he chooses not to do that then we’re going to escalate my case up the chain to see about  having him forcefully removed. But… basically, Zane is being removed from my plan so I no longer have to worry about him or his phone. In the process of doing all of this, I happened to go in on Cyber Monday, which meant super awesome deals that I didn’t really know or care about because I wasn’t interested in a new phone.

Well… they had a promotion where if you turned in certain phones you got full retail value for the turn in. My old phone was on the list, so instead of having to stay with the iPhone 6s Zane “bought” for me and having to keep paying it off. I could pay off $300 of the phone, which still had $600 left to be paid, turn in it for $650 credit to my account, and get an iPhone 7 instead, a phone which I would only have to pay .50 cents for per month for since the turn in credit was so high.

All of that while still lowering my bill from $200 a month to $70

Um… yes.

That.

All of that.

Please.

So I am now the new owner of an iPhone 7. I super love it. Like, legit, this is one of the best phones I’ve ever had. Super, uber happy with how the situation worked out.

Thank you, Universe. I love you, too.

The phone ended up taking longer than I thought it would, but I felt fantastic for having taken care of it, and for the situation turning out in such a positive way. I went to dinner afterward, which I wasn’t too late for. We met at a sushi bar then went to a pool hall where we played a few games of darts and had some drinks since we were celebrating Nicole’s birthday.

I won one match. Mark won the other. Nicole and I stuck around for a little while after Mark and Desiree left. I came home and went to sleep almost instantly because I was tired. The day turned out so much better than I had thought it would. I’m glad for it.

 
I don’t remember much about Tuesday and Wednesday… I know I went to the dojo those days, but I can’t remember much else. I want to say something important happened Tuesday, but since I can’t remember it, it must not have been all that important after all.

If I do remember later I might make a separate post but for now there are four other days I do remember that need to be processed through.

Thursday I didn’t go to the dojo. I didn’t wake up early enough for the 6am class, and I had plans to see Big Bad in the evening, so I pretty much had to resign myself to not getting that in for the day. Sad face.

I had therapy at 4pm which was the first time I had seen Andra in about a month. It was good to talk to her again. I told her about doing the writing homework and how I had asked mom for advice. I talked about unpacking her china. I talked  about losing the 20 pounds and doing jujitsu. It was a good session and I’m glad I went. I told her I was scared of my birthday. Those feelings aren’t resolved yet.

I have another session scheduled for before I leave to go to Vegas. Which that’s surprisingly soon. It’s already the 5th. 15 days until my birthday.

After therapy, I went to David’s Bridal so I could finally look into figuring out my bride’s maid dress. They had the size I wanted to try on, which is what the whole issue had been when I was in Texas. They had something too big, and too small, and I wasn’t about to drop $200 on a dress that I hadn’t tried on.

So they had the size I wanted to try. Cool. Tried it on… It’s too big now since I’ve lost 20 pounds… I mean. That’s super cool, and super annoying at the same time.

I tried the size that had originally been too small and it fit. Sort of loosely actually, so I asked what would happen if I kept losing weight and the dress didn’t fit when it came in. They said they could alter the size up to three sizes, so at least there’s that.

I got to gush about my dojo with the woman who was assisting me. She wrote down the website for the dojo and everything while we were talking and said she was super excited about checking it out. I’m hoping I see her there tonight since I said Monday would be the best time for her to come.

So, yeah… that was a huge thing off my to-do list. Got the dress ordered and everything, so now I’m just waiting for it to come in. I even sent Allison a picture of me outside the store so she knew I had actually, legit, gone and taken care of it.

I had just enough time to run home, eat, shower, change, and dash back out to Big Bad’s place.

My night with  him was… different. Nice. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain because it’s about soft, squishy, emotional stuff.

I was running late. We  have a running joke we’re he talks about “punishing” me.  I egg it on because it’s cute. So he made a joke about how I was going to get  spanked because I was running late. This was after all of the  emotional stress from Thanksgiving, my therapy session, the dress adventure and rush hour traffic home… I really just wanted a hug and five minutes of hiding, maybe some overwhelmed tears while I let go of all of the stress that is really self-inflicted.

I replied back to his message  asking if we could  cuddle for a few minutes when I got to him since I hadn’t had a chance to really regroup yet.

He said yes. So when I got there we went back to his room and cuddled. We were quiet for a while. I like that about us. How we can just be together and that’s enough. There doesn’t  have to be words all the time.

Eventually, we did start talking. I don’t remember how, or about what, but we ended up on topics like Jon’s email to  me where he said  he thought I was a failure. I talked about how there’s been a lot more than just mom’s death for me to work through the past eight months. I even talk about  Zane a little.

It was the first  time I’ve really opened up.  I always worry about bringing other people down or talking about things they don’t want to hear about. I don’t want people to feel bad just because a lot of my recent stories are sort of shitty or sad stories. It felt… right… to talk.  My head was on his chest, his arm was wrapped around me. It felt safe.

I feel like we’re  closer for it. We both agreed we wanted to see each other over the weekend and made tentative plans to do so.

 

Friday was a low energy day. Mostly from lack of sleep. I didn’t do a lot Friday and I’m ok with that.

 
Saturday I went for a run at a new YMCA. The one I normally go to is going to be closed for a year so they can remodel / rebuild it. That’s cool and all, but it seriously throws off what I want to do.

Well… there’s another YMCA about six miles from me. I can take the bike trail to get to it. With all of the stuff I’m doing at the dojo the only thing I really want to use the Y for are the treadmills so I can pace myself when I run.

So queue up Saturday where I go to this new YMCA and find out my membership has been canceled…

Excuse me…? What?…

Yeah… so we’re getting that figured out. I was supposed to go back Sunday but was too sore to do it. I’ll get to that in a second. The receptionist still let me work out, and it was a pretty decent run. I was happy with how it felt like a warm up rather than, “oh god I’m dying.”

My plan is to keep doing my intense workouts during the week and use Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to recover by doing light running and such.

I finished putting my blog printouts into page protectors. So far I have everything up until August. Not sure if I mentioned that… maybe that’s what the important Tuesday event was that I forgot about. I printed out my “Book of Survival.” Every post I’ve made since March 23rd has been printed out and put into page protectors which are now in binders. It’s my year of survival. I’ve wanted to do this since I got back from my walkabout. I’m glad I finally did it.

It took a few days to get all of the papers into the protectors. I wrote way more than I thought I did. Some of my posts were 13 pages long, too…

Big Bad and I had talked earlier in the morning and agreed to meet up before I  went to a social function in the evening, so after the gym I went home, showered, the headed back to his place for a few hours. That was a lot of fun with more talking in the beginning. We played some Soul Caliber matches and I actually ended up winning most of the games. Muahahahaha!

We ended up making plans for me to come back over once my social event was done. I hadn’t expected him to want to spend more time with me, so the fluttery, girly feeling of being asked to come back was pleasant.

I went to  my monthly  cards night with Frank and his group. It was super fun. We ordered pizza. Frank had just built a fire pit in his backyard, so we had a fire and s’mores after eating. I guess there was a new expansion for Cards Against Humanity, so all of our stuff was new.

It was a good time and I’m so incredibly glad I went.

When I was done I went back to Big Bad’s and stayed the night. We wrestled a lot so I’m covered in bruises. I got to finally show him the things I’ve learned in jujitsu so far. It didn’t help me much… he still won. It started to get frustrating because he kept choking me out with my own arm…

I mean, seriously? How do you even do that?

He showed me a few photo albums he had found of when he was in the army. I guess he had been digging around trying to find his Chrismas lights when he stumbled upon them. I opened up a lot more about mom. One of the things I remember saying was that I still hurt, a lot, and that I still give myself shit for crying so I try not to do it. I said that’s why I liked boxing so much, and now going to the dojo, because after I leave I sit in my car and cry because it pulls the emotions to the surface and forces me to deal with them. It leaves me feeling clean and more stable.

It was a really good night and I actually slept well. It was nice to be held.

Sunday was a slow day. I was sore from wrestling with Big Bad. A good sore, but needing some recovery time didn’t leave me with much energy for all of the chores I had wanted to do. We spent a fair part of the morning talking. I shared more of my own stories like the PTSD I feel while flying. I told him a bit about Jason since I had been  talking about Jon mostly. It was nice.

By the time I left it was time for me to meet Nicole for lunch. That was fun and we spent about three hours together. There was a really positive development in her life and I’m happy for her.

I took a three-hour nap when I got home. No regrets. When I got up I vacuumed, cleaned my room, and started laundry. I even started cooking but wasn’t able to finish it because the broccoli I had bought had gone bad already. Glad I noticed before cook or eating it, but it was still lame to not be able to get that particular chore done.

Warren took the trash out for me with me asking. Hooray. We ended up going out so Warren could get some dinner. I went along for the ride to try to get a coffee drink from Starbucks, but they had closed fifteen minutes before we got there because they’re bastards.

Warren was kind enough to drive down to a Dairy Queen so I could get a small blizzard. I needed chocolate in my life last night.

When we came home we watched the last episode of Westworld. Pretty happy with the way it ended. It was a nice conclusion to everything. I switched the wash then went to sleep.

So now we’re here. I haven’t made hardcore plans for the coming week, but my goal is to make serious progress on my rig projects. I need to not be a slacker in that regard or I’ll miss this potential opportunity.

Daily Post 146: The Aftermath of Thanksgiving

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I try to start my mornings with a cup of coffee, sitting on my doorstep in the shade of my apartment. It’s quiet. Most everyone is at work. The parking lot is mostly empty. There’s a fairly busy road running next to me, a few hundred feet away, so it’s not too close, but I’m able to hear the cars passing and I like to sit and think about all of the people going about their lives.

I wasn’t able to do that the past four days.

The past four days have been hard. Heavy. After doing small tasks I was exhausted. Thursday wasn’t hard until the evening. The darkness of night, the end of the day, signaling that there really wouldn’t be a phone call from mom. I slept most of Friday because the weight of reality was heavy. Heavier than normal. Different somehow than what it’s been though I don’t know   how to better describe it than that.

It’s not like anything has changed. But somehow it has. Inside my head, all of these days are different. In a way, they’re more real.

Saturday was a bit better, but I still took a nap and went to bed early. Sunday Warren and I went out to lunch. We sat outside because it was a nice day, still cool as far as Florida goes, but not cold. After eating we went to the park where I had spent time with Big Bad. We walked the loop a few times before sitting on a hill in the shade and talking.

I was still hurting from Thursday. I’m still fearing my birthday because I know, out of all of the days coming up, that day is going to be the hardest. Maybe out of all of them so far. Out of the six-month mark, out of mom’s birthday, out of flying to South Carolina with mom’s urn in my backpack, out of placing her urn on my kitchen table the night I received it from the funeral home…

Out of all of the hard days I have faced I am terrified of this one day and I know there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

It will come.

One of the things Warren let me talk about was how I get frustrated with myself. Still. How it’s hard to be patient and understanding. How it’s hard not to feel like the past four days have been regression.

I was doing so well. I genuinely felt happiness for a while, and now I’m back to not feeling it at all. I’m back to being flatlined. I’m proud of being awake, much less showered. I’m back to my “zero-fucks” mentality and wishing the rest of the world would figure its own shit out, which really, it has for the most part. Very few things have needed my attention the last four days and I think that’s helped.

I’ve had the ability to sleep and do nothing other than focus on recovery. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the space I have been given, intended or not. I feel it’s what I’ve needed and I haven’t had to fight to get it.

Warren mentioned something that I feel I lose sight of sometimes. If someone breaks their leg, you don’t tell them to “walk it off.” They aren’t weak for wanting painkillers or a cast to make sure the bone heals properly.

Just because my emotional wounds aren’t visible, doesn’t mean they’re not there. I can feel them, like slash marks from the outside of my elbow to the inside of my wrist, slowly bleeding me out.

It’s interesting actually. The pain of mom’s loss, my grief, used to feel like a taloned fist inside of my chest, squeezing my heart, trying to crush it. It made it hard to breathe, to think, to move. I didn’t understand how to do any of that with the pain in my chest consuming my mind. My heart didn’t understand how to beat against the pressure trying to destroy it.

Now, there’s just the feeling of slowly being drained. Like old wounds that have reopened and I now I must wait to heal again so the bleeding stops. If I don’t move as much, if I rest, then I won’t drain as fast. I have a better chance of being ok.

I wish I was better at resting. I wish I didn’t give myself shit for being hurt. And underneath all of that, there’s the wish that I wasn’t hurt in the first place. That I didn’t have to go through this. There’s the wish that things were different and that wish is the one that hurts the most. I’m supposed to be accepting my reality but on some level, I still rage and strain against it and so there’s pain.

There’s the thought that maybe I’m doing all of this to myself, but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to keep that part of my brain from wishing for things to be different. Not yet at least.

The past days have been hard, but they’ve gotten progressively better.

This morning I did have my coffee. I sat outside and have already gotten a bit of sunlight. I have gone through and caught up on my emails. I have renewed my Vimeo subscription and taken care of some bill stuff I’ve been avoiding. I have jujitsu in a little bit that I want to go to, but I’m worried about. I don’t know who the instructor will be. I don’t know how many people will be there. I don’t know a lot of the moves still. I don’t know if emotionally I’ll be able to keep it together because I’ll have to take my ring and necklace off again.

But I want to go. I want to keep making myself better. I want to keep working through the things that are hard and that hurt so they hurt less. Like physical therapy. It hurts, but it’s worth it in the end, right?

I wish I knew. I think that would make a lot of this easier. If I knew that, in the end, it would be ok then I wouldn’t be so worried about everything. If I knew the things I’m doing now “paid off” in the end and that I eventually get to where I’m “supposed” to be then I wouldn’t fret about messing up or being a slacker. But I don’t know where that is. I don’t have any answers for myself. I don’t have any advice other than “do what you need to do for yourself.”

If only I knew what that really was. I feel like I’m back to haphazardly going through life, trying not to mess things up any more than they already are. Maybe that’s all I can do for now. Maybe I’m back to doing things one day at a time, one hour at a time until I make it through this next disaster of a storm. Until I make it through December.

I had two dreams the night before last.

In one of them I was looking for a mat to go with a cross stitch I was trying to frame. I couldn’t find one the right size which was a little frustrating, but that wasn’t the main point of the dream.

For whatever reason, I looked down at my phone and saw the message “No Service Available” on the screen. I had a sinking, cold, dread feeling in my stomach because I knew the message was because Zane had done something. I woke up feeling exposed and vulnerable. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep for a few hours.

I couldn’t figure out why the dream bothered me so much. I honestly don’t care about my phone. It’s a point of frustration, not dread, for me since I’m having to pay for not only mine but his as well.

I had the realization that maybe it’s not about the phone itself. Maybe it’s about what the phone represents, which is connection. Connection to my friends and family. To my support structure. When I need someone I call them, or message them through Facebook, or text message. I usually send those messages when I’m in bed, or hiding somewhere. I’m usually on my phone, so if I don’t have my phone, in theory, I don’t have a way to contact the people I want when I need them.

Maybe I feel like Zane will cut me off from the people I love and care about. Or some force in general will. It’s something to meditate on.

The other dream started out as me essentially seducing a cute blond girl. No one I’ve ever met. I didn’t see her face. It was a pretty hazy dream, fuzzy and unclear like I couldn’t get it in focus properly.

What I do remember is that I was standing behind her, my arms wrapped around her in a hug, her hands were resting on my forearms. We were just standing here, holding each other. My cheek was resting against her hair, eyes closed, enjoying the moment as we stood in our embrace. I had the thought that I hadn’t seen mom in a while, which was odd. Even with her working, I should have seen her at least once during the day. But it felt like it had been days, weeks, since I had seen her. Something wasn’t right with that, but I couldn’t place what it was.

My brows furrowed as I tried to figure out why I hadn’t seen mom in so long.

That’s when I remembered that mom was dead and that I wouldn’t see her ever again and that I was dreaming. Realizing it was a dream made me not want to be there anymore. The girl wasn’t real. None of it was real. I wanted to wake up and be part of my reality, even if it hurt, so I opened my eyes and woke up.

Zane’s dream bothered me more than mom’s.

I think today is going to be hard. I have a birthday thing to go to for Nicole, but I don’t think I’m going to stay very long.

I have a list of things I would like to do, but I’m not going to sweat over it if some / most of it doesn’t get done. I’ve already completed the time sensitive things so I think I’m doing ok. I’m staying afloat after this latest wave and still riding out the aftermath.

This is my reality , and in my reality I’m still recovering.

Daily Post 144: Classes and Chinaware

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Today has been all over the place and it’s past one in the morning so I’m ridiculously tired and I still have to shower so I’m not looking to get to sleep anytime soon, but I want to write, so here I am in front of the computer not adulting.

I went to three classes at the dojo today. Jujitsu at 6am, Muay Thai at 7pm. Then submission grappling at 8pm.

Today was the first day since I got the urn pendant that I had to take it off. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I didn’t question who I was or feel like a part of my soul was being ripped away. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, though. It’s like when I took mom’s ring off the first time when I started boxing. I knew I had to take it off or else her ring would get messed up. It still sucked because I didn’t want to be apart from it.

I turned taking her ring off into a bit of a ritual, like getting into the proper headspace before a game or performance. When the ring came off I was training. I was making myself better. I was taking it off to protect it.

I know I’ll get to that mentality with the necklace. It still sucked doing it, though. There were silent tears as I unclasped the hook and held the pendant in my hands since the first time I got it. The first times are always the hardest. Hopefully, that means it will be easier next time.

I most likely haven’t drunk enough water to make up for all of the sweat and tears today, because the pendant tears weren’t the only ones.

I unpacked mom’s china today when I got back from jujitsu. I didn’t inherit much from mom. Her ring. Her china hutch, which my grandfather made. And her china set.

I’ve left the china hutch wrapped in the furniture covers, tape across the doors, since I moved into the townhome. I knew it was something I would have to eventually get around to. I knew I would have to face those emotions at some point. I guess “eventually” was today.

It felt like I was pulling the tape off of myself. The sound of it coming free from the wood. The tension as I pulled it up. I could feel that ripping sensation across my heart.

By unpacking the hutch it became mine. Every cup, every plate became mine as I sat on the floor unwrapping it from the newspaper I had used while in Vegas. I cried. I cried so much.

It hurt, but it wasn’t anger or loss that made me cry. It’s happened a few times. Maybe more than I’m remembering. Sometimes I realize something, have some thought, make some connection, and I cry. It’s like I’m adjusting to the new information and it’s overwhelming, or powerful, or heavy, or whatever it is other than sad and angry. It’s so much of something that all I can do is cry.

I  cried until Warren came downstairs. He asked if I was ok. I said no, rubbing the tears away. I didn’t want to talk so we left it at that. He took Bruno outside then made his breakfast. I set the china in the hutch, displaying each plate the way I wanted it, detaching myself so the emotions could stay in check. Warren eventually went back upstairs. I set mom’s urn as the centerpiece.

I then curled up on the couch with the cardboard priority mail box she sent me for Christmas last year, the one I kept because I thought it would be my last gift from her, and I proceeded to cry more. Every card she ever sent me after I moved out is in that box. The book from her service, the one so many people signed is in there as well. The letter she left for me was there and maybe it’s because I’m an emotional masochist that I read it again. Maybe I needed to hear her voice in my head. Maybe I just needed a reminder that she loved me and things would be ok.

Whatever the reason I cried until I had nothing left to give.  I stayed on the couch with no intention to move for a  while.

My brother ended up calling me which is the only reason I got up. As soon as I answered the phone he asked what was wrong because of course he’s one of the few people who can instantly pick up on stuff like that. So much lame. >.<

I told him I had unpacked the china and that it had been hard. He asked if he needed to come be with me. I said no, that I would be ok. I had to be ok. It’s not like I have an option to not be.

We ironed out the last of the Thanksgiving plans, said our “I love you”s and hung up. Since I had walked up the stairs to my room while on the phone I decided that I had earned a nap due to emotional and physical tiredness. So I napped for about two hours. Bruno actually came  into my room and curled up with  me. I’m not normally one for dogs, but  having his company was nice.

Once I woke up I decided to continue working through the to-do list I had made, which unpacking the hutch had not been part of the game plan. Just want to toss that fact in…

I wanted to do errands before  going back to the dojo. I knew staying at home would just make me feel like a slacker. So instead of feeding into the sadness I loaded up my car and went to do errands. I donated more stuff. I did the Thanksgiving shopping, which was a nightmare of  people standing in the middle of the isle not getting out of the way. I also stopped by the storage unit to get my gi so I can wear it to the jujitsu classes.

I saw Nicole after going to the dojo. It was nice to see her. I told her about my day, and about how it had been hard. She told me about her own hard experience with wrapping Christmas gifts at her kitchen table, something she used to do with her own mom. Another mom who isn’t here anymore.

Other things happened during the day but I’m so tired right now that I don’t feel like writing more and that shower I know I should take most likely won’t happen until I wake up.

Right now I’m done. I don’t know what today was. It wasn’t bad. I don’t want to label it good either. It was long. Let’s go with that. Today was a long day, and now it’s over and I’m going to go to sleep.

Daily Post 143: Sunday, Monday, and Belly Dancing

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Sunday I woke up early. 7am.

I got up, determined to finally, seriously, go for a run. I had breakfast, drank my coffee, got dressed, then realized as soon as I stepped out my door that it was 50 degrees outside and that I live in Orlando  and in no way was it ok for it to be that cold. That’s not taking  into account the added wind chill… Cold. So cold. And did I mention the, “not ok” part?

I’m happy to report I didn’t back down from the challenge, though. I put on long sleeves, drove to one of the bike trails and ran, reminding myself that it’s not going to be any warmer in February when I run my race so I might as well suck it up now and get used to it.

It wasn’t my best run by any stretch of the imagination. But any run is better than no run, and I was actually surprised my time was as good as it was. I could tell my hamstrings were tight and my quads were still angry from the jujitsu class but there wasn’t any hint of shin splint pain. And I’m pretty confident that the tightness in my hamstrings won’t be as bad the more I run and stretch them back out. My later intervals, once I was finally able to get warm, were actually really nice so I do think it’s more just working the rust out of some spots.

Once my run was done I came back home and started tackling the weekend chores. I got a bunch done, but mainly I was waiting for Warren to get up so we could do the grocery shopping.

We had lunch at a Chinese buffet. We had tried going there the morning we picked my bike up but they weren’t open at 10am. Since our first attempt had been a bust we decided to give it another shot, which was successful.

It was an alright experience but I’ve noticed that I don’t eat much at places like that anymore. Just not a whole lot I’m interested in and I usually feel like I can make better-tasting things at home.The conversation was light and pleasant, and we weren’t too far away from the oriental market I wanted to go to, so overall it wasn’t bad.

We ended up going to three different stores: the oriental market, a fresh produce store, and then Publix. By the time we were done and back home I was running on fumes. It was nice to be in the kitchen on my own prepping the food and decompressing from being out and about so much. I needed the recharge since  I was supposed to meet Nicole for dinner.

It was fantastic to see her again. We had so much to catch up on since we haven’t seen each other in roughly three weeks. We parted ways around 9pm with plans to hang out again the following Monday since that’s when she will be celebrating her birthday.

I guess I really need to add birthday and Christmas present shopping to my list. I haven’t even begun to think about Christmas. I really don’t want to right now because I’m sure that will be all sorts of emotional hardship to work through so I’m going to keep typing away about everything else instead because procrastination is a thing. : D

I went to sleep pretty much right when I got home from dinner.

I woke up this morning at 7am again. I allowed myself to have a slow, lazy morning. I cooked eggs with spinach, mushroom, and onion mixed into them instead of doing the egg half sandwich I’ve been doing. I got a container of peach mango salsa at the store yesterday and it actually went amazingly well with everything.

I boiled eggs to mix into the tuna I planned to make later. I finished doing the laundry. I cleaned up the few dishes that were dirty… Not really a whole lot else happened until around 11:30am, which is when I got ready for my jujitsu class.

After how busy I felt things had been the previous day, and with how busy they were going to continue to be throughout the day, I didn’t feel bad about having a slack morning. It was actually really nice having my coffee in the empty living room listening to silence.

Jujitsu was fun. I met another instructor today. I learned the entry point for the back hook. I learned another choke, too. This class wasn’t as intense as the first one. Another thing I was ok with since I’m still sore. Pretty sure I already mentioned the soreness, but I also feel I need to mention it again because holy crap I haven’t been this sore since my first aikido class.

Totally non-related segway into a completely different topic…

Something that’s been itching in the back of my mind is belly dancing. I guess I didn’t get my ass kicked enough at the dojo today or maybe I need to be reminded on what the word “recovery” really means, since “doing an Internet search to find out when I can do more physically demanding things” seems to mean “recovery” to my brain.

Anyway, ever since I’ve moved to Orlando I’ve had to drive past a belly dancing studio on my way to the campus. I always thought it would be interesting to check it out. You know. See what it’s all about. Maybe have some fun with it.

While I was going to school I felt like I never had the time to go.  Then I was employed and with a constantly fluxing schedule I never got around to it, or other things had my attention, or I didn’t have  the financial means.

Now, I have both the time and the means to look into it, so I’m looking into it.

I looked up the times for beginner classes and decided I was going to go try it out. Now. Tonight. Today. Now or never sort of thing.

With that set in my mind, I went and had dinner with my brother. I got to meet his friend / boyfriend. I’m not really 100% sure what their relationship status is but he seems like a really nice person. We had great conversation while we ate and then played an extremely interesting Commander game for Magic the Gathering. Jon’s partner won the match, but I did pretty well and was happy that it was a fairly competitive match for all three of us rather than it feeling one-sided.

After dinner I went home, changed, then went to the belly dance class.

It was amazingly fun. There was only one other student there tonight. I guess with it being the holiday week most people are out of town. The dojo has been pretty empty as well. I don’t mind, though. It’s allowing me to figure out myself in the environments without the added pressure of a billion people who already know what they’re doing.

Going to the belly dancing class means I missed out on Muay Thai tonight, but I’m thinking I sort of like this arrangement. The beginner belly dance classes are Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. So I can alternate Muay Thai and belly dancing in the evenings which will give me enough of a difference that I won’t get bored with anything. At least, in theory, it seems like it will work.

In theory, I’m also apparently Wonder Woman and need no rest days… So… yeah… As nice as all of this seems like it will be inside of my head I’m not 100% sure if it will be within my range at the moment. I might end up doubling up jujitsu and muay thai and doing the belly dancing on its own as a recovery day. Not sure yet. I have options, though, so I’ll adjust as I need to.

I was supposed to see Big Bad tonight but we decided to rain check it instead. While I do want to see him I’m sort of glad we both agreed on canceling our plans. It was already sort of late so we wouldn’t have gotten much time together since he has to wake up for work. I want to go to a jujitsu class at 6am, which means I’m looking at being up around 5am because coffee…

Since it’s the holiday week he has a lot of social obligations, but we’re going to try to meet over the weekend at the park again.

I’ve made the  most of the  extra time I gained tonight. I been able to work through all of my daily chores, install Maya 2015 on my computer once again, and battle plan out  my day for tomorrow so I know what I want to get done and how to do it efficiently.

I’m also getting a chance to write my blog which is always nice and lets me have closure to my day.

I might write a prompt post depending on how involved it is. I also want to brush Scarlet a bit before tossing in the towel for today. But overall, I’m happy and content. Tomorrow is going to be busy. It’s also going to start early.

I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 142: Jujitsu Killed Me

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Friday was a good day. Grace and I spent a long time talking at the sushi cafe. We always end up spending at least three hours hanging out when we finally work our schedules around to the point where we can see each other. Socially I was drained by the time we parted ways, but the lunch and company were fantastic so I didn’t mind feeling so tired. It was worth it.

I got through more of the “in” box. There’s still a few things left to pick through, but it’s mostly empty now. I have a small pile of donation stuff. I gave some things to Warren. I threw more stuff away. I set up my toll pass finally, not that I really need it anymore. I paid to renew my tags so I should get those before too long. I turned in my change of address form and updated all of my “important” accounts with my new address like my bank.

I even set up the remote desktop functionality on my Surface so I can access my desktop, and, by proxy, the Mac virtual machine, no matter where I am. All I need is an internet connection. Once I get Maya installed on my desktop that means I’ll be able to work on my projects where ever I want, not just as home. It will be like old times when I had the Macbook laptop.

So, yeah. Lots of adulting. Lots of good feels in that regard.

I wrote to mom yesterday shortly before going to see Big Bad. That was hard but needed and long overdue. I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I figured out that aspect of my journey.

My evening with Big Bad went well. We talked for a while before wrestling. He told me about his week. I told him about the trip home. We wrestled. He still won every time, but I was able to get out of his locks a handful of times, so I’m getting better.

This morning while we were having coffee I told him about the potential, maybe, “sort of thinking about it” job offer. He thinks I should go for it.

Me: Would I still be able to see you when I come home?
Big Bad: Of course.

I know insecurity is the reason I asked the question, but hearing his response makes me feel a smidgen better about pursuing this possibility. One of the reasons, honestly, maybe the only reason, the thought of moving or having to leave Orlando makes me panic is because I’m worried about losing or harming the dynamics in my life. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m abandoning them. I feel like I need to keep the people I have in my life because I’m not ready to lose anyone else yet, which may be a slightly unhealthy mentality I need to meditate on.

Taking emotions out of it… this is a really good opportunity. I honestly couldn’t think of a way it could be better for my career aside from it not requiring me to be onsite in California. Amazing pay, benefits, excellent credit to my resume, content I could use for future demo reels, contacts…

The only downside I can come up with is that it’s in Californa. Emotionally, that’s a really huge downside, though. Like, “almost a deal breaker from the get-go” downside.

I need to crunch numbers. I need to reach out to a few other people to make sure this won’t damage anything between us, and to meditate on my course of action if any of those answers come back as “yes”.

At most, it would be eleven months of my life. Eleven months of traveling to Orlando about every other week to see the people I love and care about. Eleven months of most likely living in an extended stay most of the time. Eleven months to build the most solid foundation I could ask for. A foundation I could use here in Orlando once those eleven months are over.

The more I think about it the more I want to try for it. For myself. This would be good for me. It would be like the validation I felt when I was doing freelance for [insert big company name here]. I know I can do this work. I know I would crush it and be amazing. It would be another experience where big name people come back and say, “We like your work.”

It’s a huge ego boost and I do think that would be a positive thing right now. It would let me see if I do want to continue in this field, one I used to have so much passion for. One I still smile about and geek out over when I explain to people what I used to do before I resigned from my job.

I honestly think trying for this job would be smart of me.

But…

I need to talk to my blacksmith. I know he will be supportive. I know he wants me to do well in life and to be happy. Out of everyone in my life I honestly think he is the person I need to worry the least about. Funny how he’s the one I’m worried about the most.

Before, when it was looking like I would move to Vegas to live near my older brother, he was supportive, saying we would find a way to make it work.

This is a much more agreeable situation for “making it work” since I would be pulling in the income needed to actually be able to come home. I don’t know why there’s more anxiety now over the thought of telling him about this possibility. Maybe it’s fear of rejection or confrontation. Fear that maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s fear about my situation becoming unstable again since I’ve only recently found solid ground.

Those seem like silly things to fear, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m not as fearless as I thought during my last musing moment. I still have a sense of self-preservation. I need to make sure it’s fear for the right reasons, though. Fear to the point of feeling like my world is shattering over simply the thought of having to move again doesn’t seem like a good thing. It feels more like a phobia or the panic / PTSD I feel when the plane takes off on the runway.

This fear makes my breath short and my body tense. It makes my brain panic and freeze. I can’t think past the thought of moving. Breathing is hard. My body aches as if I’m being punched in the chest. The loudest thought in my head becomes, “I don’t want to move.” It repeats over and over like a desperate plea rather than a conviction, and it’s only by eventually reminding myself that I don’t have to move, it’s not an obligation, it’s not something I’m being forced to do, that I’m able to ease the tension away.

Knowing the contract is temporary and that I could potentially keep my home here in Orlando helps a lot with the panic. It’s not the situation I thought it was. It’s not a permanent thing. There would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and as long as I keep my mind on the goals I’m accomplishing by fulfilling the contract, then I think I would be able to keep a, “worth it” mentality.

Still, I feel like it’s something I should bring up in my next therapy session.

I didn’t go running this morning, which I’m actually grateful for because jujitsu totally, completely, utterly killed me. I didn’t realize it until I was walking up the stairs to go to my room. I got done at the gym and felt a little tired, a little sore, but nothing crazy. Mostly I was just super hungry and thirsty.

My body rebelled about halfway up the stairs, reminding me, “hey, muscles need rest. By the way, I hate you.” Instead of moving forward with all of the productive things I had in mind for the day I crawled into bed and slept for the next forever. I didn’t get back out of bed until 4pm. I’m still super tired feeling, but it’s a physical tired, so I don’t mind it. Hopefully, it means I’ll sleep well tonight.

When I woke up I went through Omnifocus and did the few chores left over from yesterday, as well as all of the things I wanted to get done today. Well… everything except grocery shopping.

Warren and I are going to do that tomorrow. I’m making green curry this week and need to pick up a few things for it, so Warren’s going to go with me that way he gets to see the oriental market I go to. Tomorrow night I’m having dinner with Nicole since I haven’t seen her in roughly three weeks. Monday I have dinner plans with my brother. I’m going to be meeting one of his friends from when he was stationed in Germany.

So much social. ;-;

I am for sure, no backing out, going to go for a run tomorrow since the gym is closed on Sunday.

Oh, and I was able to put my boxing membership on hold rather than having to cancel my account. That’s nice. I would rather try out the dojo for a bit just to make sure before completely dropping boxing.

Monday there’s a jujitsu class in the early afternoon I want to go to. There is a Muay Thai fundamentals class in the evening but going to that will depend on when dinner with Jon ends. Big Bad wants me to come over Monday night to show him what I learned today in class.

Oh man, is he in for a surprise. I know the back hook now, two chokes, and an escape. His days of winning are so numbered.

And with that, I’m going to go cross stitch for a bit while listening to American Gods before passing out again.

Daily Post 141: More Muay Thai Please

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I went to the Muay Thai class today. It was a lot of fun. I got to meet two of the other instructors and both of them were extremely nice.

They kept commenting on how I had good form. I felt like I wasn’t kicking right since I’m supposed to be using my shin more than the top of my foot. Being aware of it means I can improve.

I surprised myself with how high I’m able to kick now. I can get to the neck region. Not quite able to hit someone’s temple yet, but so close. Pretty soon it will be something like this…

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I go back Saturday afternoon for jujitsu. I’m pretty much already hooked from this one experience. It was  great.

Today has been a decent day. Not overly crazy productive, but I’m happy with what I got done. Setting up the virtual machine took way longer than I was expecting. I kept running into issues and having to troubleshoot through things. But, I didn’t toss in the towel, because screw you, Computer. You will bend to my will!

So now I have a Mac OS machine named Mac Daddy on my Windows desktop.

I got OmniFocus installed on the Mac. I got Dropbox setup, too. I even reinstalled MacStitch so if I wanted to I could make custom cross stitch patterns again. I then proceed to go through Omnifocus, deleting projects I’m no longer working on, adjusting my “daily” chores to reflect my tasks in the new apartment, shifting things around, adding context and due dates. I haven’t set any new goals or started battle planning out my demo reel, but I’m content with just cleaning house at the moment.

I washed my sheets because I was tired of all the cat fur. I talked to both Big Bad and my blacksmith this morning.

I started going through my “in” box when I got back from the gym. That was hard emotionally. There were pictures of mom and other memory things. I threw a lot of papers away. A lot it was sketched art that I did back when I was a student. I was holding onto it because I wasn’t ready to let it go. I am now. So it’s gone.

I haven’t finished going through the dreaded “in” box, but I made progress and that makes me feel good. I made it through all my OmniFocus daily tasks. Everything except “work on a craft project” which, since it’s almost one in the morning, I have no intention of doing.

I have a lunch date with Grace tomorrow. I’m spending the evening with Big Bad. We have plans to go running Saturday morning. Maybe we won’t be slackers this time and actually do it. Hopefully, if we do go, I won’t be too burnt out for jujitsu later in the afternoon.

I have a handful of chores I want to do tomorrow. One of them being canceling my membership at my current gym since I’m pretty sold on the Muay Thai place.

I just got done shopping online for new tops. I got four of them from Wish.com. It’s a pretty interesting site I heard about from a friend. I’m hoping I like the tops when they come in. I don’t like online shopping. I want to be able to touch and hold what I’m about to buy. I want to try it on and feel how it fits me. At the same time, I want to be able to find what I’m looking for without having to go to a billion stores to find it… So we’ll see how this turns out.

Four tops for 50 bucks, including shipping… can’t really beat that.

And with that, my to-do list is done, and I’m officially off to bed.

Daily Post 140: All of the Things and a Giant Middle Finger

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Sooo… that writing streak that I had… yeah… didn’t stick with it. : /

Friday I got a bike. Woohoo. Warren drove with me to check it out since he has a truck. I wanted to make sure I would be able to get the bike home if I liked it and I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my little car since I still don’t have a bike rack. It’s on the to get list.

I rode the bike around a little, it seemed to pull a bit to the left, but overall it was a really nice ride. From my previous research, I knew I was getting the bike for a pretty good price, and it is in extremely good condition. So yeah, I am now the proud and completely content owner of my very own bike. : 3

Warren took me to the bike shop to have the guys give it a tune up. They said it wouldn’t be done until Monday most likely, which sort of sucked, but what was I going to do? Not get it tuned up? It needed a bit of work with the tires, and I wanted a starting point for its maintenance history. So I resigned myself to not getting the bike back until Wednesday since I was going to be out of town Monday.

Saturday I drove up to Daytona and had lunch with my brother. I cried on the drive up there. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that driving on I4 is the route I would take when I drove home to see mom…

Either way, I remember being tired because the previous days had been draining socially. Crying didn’t help make me feel energized.

Despite the crying at the beginning of the trip it ended up being a really pleasant visit. Jon and I talked about our plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We hashed out our game plan for Monday since I was going with him to South Carolina as an emotional support and to be his witness in divorce court. We got lunch at Hooters since we had memories of going there for wings with our dad. We ended the day by going to a card shop Jon really likes and played a few games of Magic the Gathering.

While we were headed to the card shop I got a phone call saying the bike was done and that I could pick it up. Hooray! I could totally pick the bike up on Sunday and go for a ride. That would make up for all of the socializing I was forcing myself through.

A really nice, long, solitary bike ride with lots of sun and good music from Spotify. Sign me up!

I left after three games with Jon since I had a card night to go to at Frank’s house. We’ve had it planned since last month, and actually the one last month I didn’t really go to. I went to his house and remade my resume and then went home to keep on trucking through updating my websites and such for the potential job at Corey’s company… Hard to believe that was only last month…

Anyway, yeah… Since I skipped out on the last card night I didn’t feel like it would be right for me to miss this one, regardless of how socially tired I was. Didn’t help that Frank was going to grill a prime rib because of a joke I had made about getting him coal for Christmas. He said to make it charcoal since that grills well. Fast forward through about five minutes worth of Facebook messages and he’s grilling an awesome dinner for me and everyone else. Totally not how I meant the conversation to go, but it made me really look forward to the night. I didn’t want to back out of it, especially when he had changed plans and was doing something special for / because of me.

So, like a diligent, timely, responsible adult, I left Daytona with plenty of time to spare because I wanted to make sure I got to Frank’s on time. Halfway through my trip back to Orlando my front right tire went flat. I was able to pull off to the side of the road without causing any sort of accident, but it still sucked because not only did I have a flat tire on the side of the interstate with no car jack, not that it would have helped me since I have never been shown how to change a tire, but I also found out I don’t have roadside assistance and had to pay $60 to have someone come help me.

It’s another moment where I’m aware of how much my mentality has changed. Just like with the car battery, I didn’t freak out or feel like the world was falling apart. Instead, I sighed, rummaged around for my insurance card which had a roadside assistance number on it and arranged to get help. Falling apart didn’t even enter my mind. Calling other people for help didn’t either. I was going to figure it out, one way or another, and I did.

The guys who came and helped me said my tire blew out in three places. One spot on the outside looked like I had hit something, but I didn’t remember hearing, seeing, or feeling anything odd while I was driving. Just a hissing sound, then “thud thud thud thud” which didn’t sound good at all…

They put the donut tire on my car and said I would be able to make it to Orlando fine, just to make sure I got the tire replaced in the morning before driving too much. Knowing I could make it back home helped keep me from going into a negative, worry-filled headspace.

My mind was already to-do listing it out. I knew the tires needed to be replaced, so I could get that taken care of in the morning before doing all of my pre-trip chores. Maybe I could get the car tuned up too since I was going to be driving for the trip.

I was a little late getting to Frank’s house, but overall it wasn’t too bad. I was beyond grateful for the dinner and drinks and good time which helped me relax even as it drained me of the last little bit of energy that I had. I ended up leaving around 10pm.

Sunday started with a phone call to see about getting the car looked at. With that taken care of, I started painting the baseboards in the office. I also did laundry because having clean clothes is nice.

When Warren woke up he agreed to run around doing errands with me. We took the closet doors for the laundry room down since they prevented us from opening the dryer door all the way. Talk about poor design…

Big Bad and I made plans to meet at a park later in the afternoon so everything worked out pretty well. Warren and I dropped the car off at the shop. That was expensive… but having tires is nice and worth it.

And I mean… if I’m honest, aside from oil changes this is really the first major expense I’ve had to invest into my car. So I really can’t complain all that much. It may have been cheaper to go to the dealership, but the shop wasn’t open on Sunday and I received excellent service from the staff at the Firestone I went to. So yeah, no complaints other than I would have rather not have had to spend that money.

Warren and I stopped by the storage unit to put the closet doors away. After that we went to the bike shop to get my bike. And from there we parted ways. Warren went to the dog park with Bruno and I biked over to meet with Big Bad.

Seeing him was a lot of fun, and I’ll most likely not say more about that particular part of my day.

When we were walking back towards his house it came up that I was going to be biking home and that I was only a smidgen worried about biking so far after having such a long hiatus from biking in general. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me biking such a long distance, which I was only mildly miffed about. The competitive contrarian inside my head wanted to puff up.

Irrational Brain: Screw you! I can totally bike that distance!

Rational Brain: No. Really… You might want to take him up on his offer…

We reached an agreement. He would walk to his house and get his van. I could keep biking and get as far as I could before he caught up with me. After that he would drive me the rest of the way home.

I told him to make sure the van said “free candy” on the side or I wouldn’t get in. XD

I ended up making it all the way to another park a few miles away before he caught up to me. I was pretty pleased with his comment of, “Wow, you bike fast.”

Pardon me while I mentally flex and feel like a badass even though I haven’t biked in literally seven months.

I’ve noticed Big Bad and I spend more time talking. Sharing stories. It’s like when we share coffee in the morning. There’s a comfortableness that I appreciate and value. It also reminds me of how there are a million ways to say “I care”.

Have you eaten?
Call me when you get home.
Put your seat belt on.
I hope you have a good day.

His concern over me biking home made me feel cared for and I appreciated him taking time out of his day to make sure I was safe.

It also meant when I got home that I got a bottle of water then biked down to the bike trail and proceed to do an eight-mile bike ride because I wasn’t going to be cheated out of a bike ride.

I wanted to see what it would be like if I biked to the gym I want to start going to and back. While it’s light outside it’s not bad, but I don’t think I would want to bike the trail at night. We’ll see how that ends up working out, but yeah. Having a bike again is amazing and I love it.

By the time I got back home from my experimental bike adventure the car was ready to be picked up. Jon had driven down to hang out with a friend and messaged me asking if I wanted to do dinner. Warren and I were both hungry, so we all met up at the sports bar for food and more Magic the Gathering while the jocks around us watched football because we’re nerds with no shame. By the time we were done hanging out I was exhausted.

I came home and had wonderful thoughts of continuing to be productive. Thoughts that were banished from my head the moment I laid down on my bed because I pretty much instantly fell asleep.

Monday I woke up and cooked some food so it wouldn’t go bad while I was gone. I also finished packing and doing the chores I should have done the night before. I was about thirty minutes late getting on the road, but all in all, the day was off to a good start.

I cried again on the trip to Jon’s apartment.

I made it to Daytona fine. Jon got in the car with his stuff and we continued on our way. We made it into South Carolina around 9:30pm. After checking into our hotel we went to a little dinner place that we used to go to with mom. We talked for a while. About her. About life. About different things that have happened to us in our relationships, both past and current ones.

We went back to the hotel after eating and slept. Well… he slept. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t sleep well in new places, and I hadn’t had a chance to do a workout so I had too much energy in me.

Tuesday morning came too soon, and yet not soon enough. We both woke up and showered. We got breakfast at a Waffle House. Another place we both have memories of mom at. We went to the place she always took us to get our hair cut. Jon and mom were pretty close to the hairdressers, so Jon wanted to stop by and say hi.

While we were there I got about two inches cut off of my hair. The ends were getting icky.

When we were done at the salon Jon and I went to see a friend of mom’s. Mrs. Terry used to babysit us. I have a lot of fond memories of paper mache and swimming in her pool and sleepovers and warm summer days playing outside. Mrs. Terry was amazing, and she was an extremely close friend of mom’s.

When Jon and I had been in South Carolina for the service we had tried to see Mrs. Terry, but it hadn’t worked out and we had to leave before we could contact her. Since we had time before Jon’s court appointment we decided to try to see her again. This time, if she wasn’t there, we were going to leave a card with our numbers on it asking her to call one of us. We knew she needed to know. Somehow, one of us had to tell her.

We didn’t need the card, though. She was home this time. She hugged me and ushered both of us inside. I was the one to tell her mom died. I explained what happened. We exchanged contact information. Jon and I briefly caught her up on our lives, and she told us what she had been doing. She said she had been thinking of mom and us for months and had never gotten around to reaching out.

I said we had been thinking of her, too.

After we left her house I was quiet, lost in my thoughts.

Me: “You know. It’s comments like that that make me feel like it’s unfair.”

Jon: “Like what?”

Me: ” Mrs. Terry saying, ‘She was younger than me.'”

I don’t try to stop the tears when I’m around Jon. I know he understands. They were rolling down my cheeks as I continued to drive. He squeezed my shoulder and we rode in silence for most of the way.

We went to the courthouse. Jon was nervous. Scott ended up showing up. He’s an ex that Jon dated for a while. Mom and really liked Scott, and I’m super happy Jon has been able to maintain his friendship with him through everything. It was good to see him.

I was sworn in as Jon’s witness, saying he and Nathan have lived seprately, that they haven’t reconsiled, and that if they had I would have known about it. It was the first time I had been to court. It was the first time being sworn in. It was an interesting experience.

Once it was done Jon and I went to an Irish pub for dinner then got back on the road to head home.

The trip wasn’t as bad as when I drove back with Warren, but it was a lot of driving in 48 hours and by the time I dropped Jon off in Daytona I was ready to be done with it. I didn’t get home until 11pm last night.

Warren was awake watching TV. I opened the door, hung up my keys, said goodnight and walked up the stairs. That might have been really shitty of me, but I had nothing left to give. I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep the night before, explained my mom had died and how, gone to court, and drove 7 hours in a single day.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide. I wanted mom to be alive so I could call her and tell her that I had made it home ok.

I didn’t bother doing anything other than crawling into bed. No unpacking. No checking the sink to see if there were dirty dishes. Nothing mattered. Everything could wait. Everything would be fine until the morning.

And it was.

I woke up today around 9am. I woke up tired, but it wasn’t an, “I didn’t sleep enough” type of tired. It was more of an, “I’ve done a crap ton of stuff in a short period of time with not enough downtime” sort of tired.

Warren messaged me around noon to see if I was ok and alive. My reply was “Ded”. His reply of “RIP” was cute. I apologized for my rudeness when I had gotten home the night before. He said he understood and figured I had been done with the world.

I didn’t get about of bed until 1:30pm and the only reason I did that was because my body demanded to be fed because it’s annoying like that.

Bruno sat outside with me while I drank my coffee. It seems to be part of the routine now. I enjoy his presence actually. He’ll sit in front of me and let me pet him. Sometimes he’ll lay down on the walkway in front of me while I lean against the door. He’s a German Shepard / Yellow Lab mix. He reminds me a lot of Diageo, Warren #2’s dog. I’m not much of a dog person, but both Diageo and Bruno are extremely well behaved, and they’re super lovable. The only way they could be cooler was if they were cats.

Warren came out eventually to join the party. Part of me wasn’t ready to talk, another part of me wanted to not be alone. The “not alone” part won out.

I brainstormed my day out loud since Warren was there. I also mentioned that was his “punishment” for intruding on my coffee time since that’s when I normally do all of my planning. If someone’s there I’m more likely to think vocally rather than silently.

I came up with five things I wanted to do today. Only five. I could relax the rest of the day as long as I was a little productive beforehand. One of the things I wanted to do was bike to the post office to check the mail. I was hoping doing something physical would help burn through the tiredness. Maybe it would even start a domino effect as far as productivity went and I would end up getting more done than I had originally thought.

It wasn’t that far of a ride. A little over two miles one way. It would have been a great ride except it wasn’t until I was standing in front of my PO box that I realized I had left the mailbox key in my car… you know… the one I left parked at the apartment…

FML…

So… Since there wasn’t much else I could do I biked back home empty handed. I had noticed before I left the apartment that I was out of Gatorade, so I figured all wasn’t lost. I potentially could go to the store, and while out and about for the store I could swing by the post office and still check the mail.

After doing a few other chores that’s what I did. Warren ended up going with me. I was grateful for his company.

There wasn’t anything super important in the mailbox.

Nothing important. Nothing that required any action on my part, but it was still hard to read. It was a letter from our lawyer in Vegas, the one handling mom’s estate. It was a notice that Jason is going to be appointed the executor and that there is a hearing on December 2nd. I only need to show up if I wish to contest, which I don’t.

It seems silly to me to have any sort of pain with reading something that really might as well have been junk mail. I knew Jason was filing a full probate and that he would be appointed the executor. I knew there was legal stuff that went along with that. One of those things being that it could be, but wouldn’t be, contested by myself or Jon.

Seeing my mom being referred to as deceased… reading those words… knowing that someone is going to say my mom’s name in court and on the record she will be deceased… it’s like the Universe taking a shank and stabbing me in the kidneys. Again.

You would think at some point there wouldn’t be fresh places to stab… I’m guessing Life is taking that as a challenge to prove me wrong.

I told Warren there weren’t bills, but that I had gotten the letter. My voice almost couldn’t form the words as I explained what the letter said. The date was the hardest thing to say. It felt like when I had been hiking with Jason and explaining how some days were fine and other days really sucked. It felt like I was going to choke on the date. It felt like admitting, vocalizing, those words would strangle me.

I told him I would have rather gotten a bill.

He squeezed my shoulder, much the way Jon had done yesterday after leaving Mrs. Terry’s house. Sometimes there aren’t words. Sometimes it just sucks and the only thing you can keep doing is moving forward. So that’s what we did.

We went to Publix to do the shopping. Since we were both hungry we went to Jersey Mike’s first. It was in the same plaza so it wasn’t much of a detour and I’m a firm believer of not shopping while you’re hungry. While we were waiting in line he hugged me, pulling me close, and again, I let the tears do their thing rather than fighting them. I hurt and I wanted a hug and I didn’t care if that made anyone else uncomfortable.

I’ve gotten to the point where anyone who has an issue with my tears can go fuck themselves. I’m not staying in bed being depressed and that’s great and all but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it still sucks or hurts. The tears help me get through the pain and to keep going and I’m not going to be ashamed of them. I’m not going to hide or feel like it’s wrong of me.

My mom died and my friend was giving me a hug and there were tears. There’s nothing wrong with that. Life doesn’t only happen behind the closed doors of homes or when it’s “convenient”. Sometimes it happens in the middle of a parking lot as you read a letter or while you’re waiting to tell the person behind the counter yes, I would like that on white bread.

The conversation over dinner was pretty non-existent. I was appreciative of the silence.

Publix was super crowded. Both Warren and I were ready to be home by the time we made it through checkout.

When I got home I finished up my to-do list, which had grown to 10 items. One was paying bills. That was mildly depressing. Money normally is. Mostly it’s the Verizon bill getting under my skin and how I’m paying $200 a month because I didn’t stick to my guns and let Zane convince me to get a new phone as a “gift” from him that I’m now paying for. It’s frustrating. It’s something I need to look further into, and I will, just not today.

And so that’s where I am so far. My to-do list is done. My blog is written. There’s still more I want to write about, but that was a lot of catching up so I’m pretty written out, and the rest of the stuff on my mind is more philosophical rambling which really is more of a musing moment than a daily post.

I’m glad about how today worked out. I’m glad I was still productive and did things and that one of the things I did was a workout.

On the subject of working out… before we got on the road I used my brother’s restroom. There was a scale, so I decided to step on it just for shiggles. I normally stay away from scales. They’re depressing. I’ve dropped pant sizes in the past so I know I’m “losing” weight, but the number on the scale stays the same, or in one case actually went up. The scale kills my feeling of motivation so I’ve learned to avoid it.

Well… I guess I’ve lost twenty pounds since the last time I weighed myself.

I’ve been feeling better about myself lately. I’ve been feeling more attractive and more confident and while I know the positive influences of Big Bad and my blacksmith are both factors to those feelings, I also know that my body is continuing to change and contributes to the feelings as well.

I haven’t needed the scale or numbers to feel good about myself and my efforts, but knowing that the changes are for real and not just made up feelings inside my head is… I don’t know… nice, I guess? Validating maybe?

I’m not working out for the numbers. I’m working out because I want to be healthier. Because I want to do a fraction of the shit my DnD characters can do. Because I want to kick ass during my race in February. Because I want to enjoy life and live it fully.

I’m not doing this to have an awesome weight loss story, or to fit in with societies standards. I’m doing this for me.

I haven’t meditated on this information, on this “loss”, so I don’t know where it goes in my mental filing system or what I really feel about it.

I know part of the feelings include vulnerability. I’m worried that it’s not enough. I’m worried people will still say hurtful comments. I’m worried that even if I was the “perfect” size that it wouldn’t matter because haters are going to hate. I’m worried that as I continue to lose weight that I’ll become fearful in my future interactions. I’m worried that I’ll wonder if the new people I meet would have befriended me if I were still fifty pounds heavier and that I’ll let that worry tarnish those friendships.

Currently, this information reminds me of the hurtful experiences in high school which caused me to become self-conscious about my weight in the first place. I’m reminded of when Warren #2 said he didn’t think I worked out as hard as I said I did at the gym because if I did I would have lost more weight.

There’s a lot of things to unpack and examine I guess. I haven’t really paid much attention to that aspect of myself, and I suppose that’s understandable. I’ve been so focused on staying afloat in the wake of mom’s death, and then finding a place to live, and then getting everything situated with that and having Warren #1 move in…

Well… I did all of that and still lost weight. Even though there are things for me to work through and even though I feel small and vulnerable admitting to this change in myself, I still want it to be my giant middle finger to Life and all of the bullshit it has thrown at me.

Me: Fuck you, Life. I can take all of that, figure shit out, and still move forward on my goals.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to a productive day where I set up a virtual machine to run Mac OS on my Windows desktop so I can finally have Omnifocus again. I’m looking forward to going through my “in” box and getting back to square one with my life. I’m looking forward to maybe picking out the models I want to rig for my new demo reel. And I’m looking forward to my first Muay Thai and Jujitsu classes.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Daily Post 139: Jujitsu

Standard

Going on day three of posting. Woo. Go me.

I forgot about getting my car battery replaced yesterday. The car has felt weak when I start it. It started getting to the point where I felt like I was playing Russian roulette when I turned the key. Not a fun feeling to have.

I stopped by the auto store and had the battery tested, for free because they’re awesome, and the test came back bad. So crisis averted. Bought a new battery. They put it in for me. I turned the car on and everything was back to normal.

I’m not sure if this situation says anything about my growth in life. In the past, literally anything with the car would have been the main focal point of my day because car issues were always insanely stressful for me. Now, not so much. Maybe I forgot about it because the issue was so easily taken care of. Or maybe with everything else I’ve had to go through the thought of car trouble just can’t get under my skin the way it used to.

I finally finished painting my closet today. The previous tenets were weird and had the closet shelving ridiculously high. It was almost out of my reach just for hanging clothes up, much less actually using the shelf space to store anything. Since I was painting anyway I went ahead and took down all of the shelving, painted, then put the shelving back about six inches lower this time. Poof, usable space. I got my clothes hung back up so my room feels less like a disaster. Also got to use the power tools again so I’m feeling pretty savvy.

Tomorrow I’ll do the baseboards and then I’ll be able to scratch “master bedroom” off of the list. Hooray. I’ll be able to start going through my “in” box which is really the last thing I need to do in regards to my room. Then I can start working on finishing the office, which is baseboards and floor scrubbing. Then bathrooms. Then kitchen. Then I can start making plans for the patio area.

It might be taking a bit longer than I thought it would, but everything is coming along.

I didn’t workout today and I’m mildly bummed about that, but in my defense things changed last minute and they didn’t work the way I thought they would.

Since Big Bad and I wrestle so much I started thinking about looking into jujitsu classes. I found a place that seemed really interesting. They offer Muay Thia along with MMA sparring and grappling classes. They had a video showing the gym and explaining the school. Color me intrigued.

I was super nervous about going, but I wanted to see what it was like. It has a super laid back atmosphere and the instructors I spoke with were extremely nice. I think it lines up more with what I’m looking for now. The boxing place I’m going to is fun, and I’m comfortable there, but I want more interaction and sparring rather than a cardio workout with a punching bag.

Even as I type that I’m cringing because I don’t want to make it seem like my current gym is bad or lacking. It’s not. They’re great people and I enjoy going there. I feel like I’m interested in a slightly different thing now, which isn’t something they offer. This new place may be more what I’m… I don’t know… craving, I guess.

After talking with the Muay Thia instructor for a while I decided to schedule a time to try out a class. I made the appointment for Monday but realized about 30 minutes after I had left that I can’t go Monday. I have to go to South Carolina with my younger brother as his emotional support and witness for filing his divorce paperwork. Much lame…

So I guess I’m going to call the place tomorrow and see if I can switch to the Saturday classes instead. If not then I guess I’ll figure something out. I wouldn’t be able to go until Wednesday at the earliest, but since Wednesdays are SCA combat days I really wouldn’t be able to go until Thursday and I really don’t want to wait a whole week. : /

We’ll see what happens. I’m sure there won’t be an issue going on Saturday.

Tomorrow morning I get to go check out a bike I found on Craig’s List. It looks like it’s in good condition. Honestly, it looks bearly used. The reviews for the model all say it’s a “good starter bike” which is really all I want / need. It’s a hybrid so there’s suspension on the front wheel. Aluminum body, so it shouldn’t be too heavy. I’m going to go check it out and see what I think of it in person. I’m hoping I like it.

If I start going to this new gym it would only be a four-mile bike ride to get there. Not that I’ve looked into that already or anything…

I’ve played a bit of Guild Wars today as well. Got a bunch of mastery points. Saved a bunch of people. Killed a bunch of evil bad guys. Productive day.

I went through all of my tags for my blog and deleted way more than should have ever existed. I’ve been blogging for over two years, though, so I guess it’s understandable. I’ve gone through different phases of tagging posts and have never thought to go back and clean up the back end of things. I don’t think it was really affecting anything, but it made me feel good to do it.

I started feeling a bit lonely this evening. Missing mom. It’s an ache in my chest. Like a bruise. One that you can feel without having to touch it. I can’t help but wish I could see her one more time. Sit across from her one last time. I don’t know, just five minutes where I can smile and laugh with her. I wish I could tell her about the car battery or finishing painting, or any number of the silly, trivial things that go on in my life.

Today was a good day. Even on good days sometimes I still cry.