Prompt 2-31: What do you think and feel about what your biggest critic thinks of you?

I’m writing this before evening… don’t care. If I don’t do it now I most likely won’t have time to do it later. These writings are important to me so I’m going to do them when I can without judgment. 

I don’t know which to start with first… what I think or what I feel…

I guess we’ll go with feelings. At least that would be following things in alphabetical order so there’s something giving this structure rather than leaving it to chaos.

I feel like shit. I feel cold. I feel… alone… 

Those are the things I feel when I beat myself up; when my inner critic harps at me and rants. Chastises. Berates. Insults. 

A new one she found last night was “Dumb Dragon”. Ox says I need to stop saying that to myself. I agree, but it feels like a new truth and I don’t know how to fight against the phrase when most of myself feels like it’s true. 

I feel like I have left myself alone in a dark place to fend for herself and she’s not doing very well. 

So… that’s what I internally feel about the never-ending inner tirade of criticism I give myself. 

What do I think about all of it? 

Honestly… Now, after having completed my first writing. Now, after beginning to see things from an outside perspective. Seeing myself a human… I feel like my inner critic needs to shut the fuck up. 

Like… seriously… none of what I am telling myself is helping ANYTHING. I know I fucked up. I don’t need to be constantly undermined and torn down when I try to stand back up. I don’t need to be kicked while I’m done. I need myself to stand with me in the mud and look down at my dirt-covered, tear-soaked hopeless face with compassion and love and either offer me a hand or even sit with me in solidarity until I find it in me to push myself up off the ground. 

I don’t need another enemy. I need a companion through the darkness in my own head. 

So yeah… my inner critic can go fuck herself. I’ll prove her wrong. Again. 

I’m not a dumb dragon. I can make not smart choices. I can do not smart things. 

I AM NOT DUMB. 

I am smart. I have amazingly unique strengths, which is something that work is helping me with because of course while my life is on fire, I’m excelling at work. I was accepted to the mentorship I applied to. I was given the opportunity to take the Clifton Strengths Assessment as part of it. 

My top 5 strengths, in order, are Restoration, Intellection, Input, Indivisiulization, and Connectedness. I’m sure Competitiveness is up there in the top 10 because fuck that chick and anyone else who thinks that I should stay down. 

No. 

I won’t. 

I can and will get back up. I will not let my story end here. I will not let this be my final or defining chapter. 

I don’t know where my story goes from here but I for sure know this isn’t where I’m going to let it end. 

Fuck you, Inner Critic. That’s what I think of your input. Stand on the sideline sneering down at me with your self-righteous bullshit opinion. You’re not the one living my life nor are you the one working through the emotional disaster. I am strong. I have strengths. And I will utilize them to keep getting back up when I fall down. You can’t stop me. I won’t let you. 

That’s what I think. And on that rage-filled draconic note, I’m going to go eat breakfast, because fuck not eating due to feeling worthless.