cross stitch

Daily Post 005: Another Day for Mental Health

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I did have soup on Tuesday. With a half piece of artisan bread, which is really just bread with a fancy name. It was good, though. I listened to more of Dragonquest while I sat in a corner booth, looking out of the window and the rainy outside world but seeing a different world as the voice from my headphones weaved the story for me.

When I was done eating I stayed and stitched for roughly two hours letting the story continue to sweep me away. Different time, different place.

I came home. And I honestly don’t remember much past that. When I was ready for bed Zane wasn’t tired yet. He was watching something on the computer I think, so I went to the living room. He was supposed to wake me up when he was done with his show, but instead he didn’t. He said he was afraid that if he woke me up that I wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep and he felt like I needed the sleep more.

I woke up at 5:30 on my own. That seems to be a trend now. Only it sucks because at 5:30 I’m not ready to be awake, so it’s just annoying at the moment. If I went to sleep around 10 maybe 11 it would be fine. I normally function great on 6 to 8 hours of sleep. Not on 5 or less. It’s like the halfway point for me. It’s just enough that I’m not exhausted, but it’s not enough to feel refreshed and ready for anything. I’m an irritable grouchy dragon at 5:30.

Since I was awake I got up and went to the bedroom. Zane woke up enough to chat with me for a few minutes before we both went back to sleep. I didn’t wake up again until 11. The day already felt over.

I actually called out of work again and, once again, I don’t feel sorry.

Zane and I talked a lot yesterday. It was after watching an episode of Sherlock. We had a spat and I started on that well worn-downward spiral. He actually left the room telling me to enjoy the rest of my day, but it was sarcastic and hurtful and added to the feelings of failure I was already experiencing. I was regretting taking the day off because if I had gone to work I would have been around him.

I started to clean the kitchen in an attempt to keep me too busy to cry or feel. I didn’t want to do either of those things. The sink was a mess from the night before. No one ran the dishwasher so I had to wait for that to finish earlier in the morning before cleaning out the sink. I put the dishes away and had things mostly cleaned up before Zane came back out to talk with me.

He said it was frustrating that every time something “bad” happened, no matter how small, it triggered depression for me. I can understand why he’s frustrated with that. I’m frustrated with it. I don’t know how to stop it, though. It’s like I’m overly sensitive to everything. Every small, tiny display of disappointment makes me feel like I have failed.

I said I think it had a lot to do with how everything has felt bad since Friday. That was our fight at the ice cream shop. Then Saturday had the fight in the car. Sunday was fairly calm. Then Monday had the issue where I felt lied to.

I know there are positive interactions throughout my day. It’s so easy to remember the negative things, though. And when I feel like their still unresolved and more little negative things happen it feels like all that ever happens are negative things.

Zane gets over stuff way faster than I do. But for me the emotions linger. I don’t know how other people handle or deal with their emotional issues. For me they are like wounds. They don’t just magically go away. They aren’t water or spilled milk that evaporates.

Their slashes, scrapes, bruises. They hurt. And they feel very real to me. And just like an actual wound it takes time, days, sometimes weeks, for something to fully heal properly. And the more that it’s poked at, picked at, the longer it takes to heal, the more sensitive, tender, and sore the area around it.

That’s what the fights are like for me. And then the small negative instances that we have further inflame the feelings. Comments which are meant to be teasing aren’t because even though it’s a joke there’s truth in it. And knowing that it’s partially true hurts because I’m too sensitive to see the humor in the situation.

I don’t think I should apologize for that. I don’t think I should feel bad for handling emotions the way I do. I think I’m a pretty functional adult, most of the time. These past months are a poor example of that. I like that I feel things deeply, all things, not just the bad things. I feel joy, and happiness, and peace on what I feel is a much deeper level than most people, too.

Zane mentioned that it might be beneficial for me to seek out a therapist. That maybe having someone else to talk to would be good for me. I can’t say I haven’t thought of that myself. Even before Zane, while I was dating Warren #2 I thought about it. My mom has mentioned it in the past as well. It’s something I think I’m going to look into. Having more information like cost and such would at least let me know if it’s even do-able.

We also mentioned alone time. It always seems to come back to that in one way or another. It’s less than two weeks before Zane begins his new job. Less than two weeks and I’ll have the mornings to myself, the apartment completely empty of all other humans. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

I mentioned to Zane that I was thinking about taking his first week of work off. A mental health week for myself. So instead of four weeks in December, I would only have three weeks, but I think I’m ok with that.

I think I need time away sooner rather than later. And I think I need it during a time where I would get the most solitude. So instead of it being next week like I had originally, knee-jerk reaction had decided, I think I’m going to try to tough it out for another week and a half so I can have eight glorious hours everyday to myself.

The thought of that much quiet, that much space, makes me want to cry in relief.

Things aren’t bad. Things are getting better. Things are going to be ok. It’s almost over and all I have to do is hold on. All I have to do is not fall apart in the home stretch.

After our conversation Zane and I were fine. I felt better. I normally do after talking with him. He ended up sitting in the living room watching shows on the computer with his headphones plugged in while I cross stitched and listened to my book.

At 6:45 I went to the gym for kickboxing. I drove since I was planning to stay for yoga afterwards and I didn’t think I would be up for walking much after two hours at the gym. Which I was completely right.

My legs were so shot. In a good way though. I showered when I got home. I stitched a bit more then went to sleep. I woke up at 4am this morning with a massive headache. I know it’s from not drinking enough water. I filled up my Gatorade bottle and drank most of it before going to the couch. I didn’t think I would be falling asleep anytime soon and I didn’t want to wake Zane up.

I ended up waking up at 9, so I guess I was able to fall asleep, when my alarm went off. I had planned to go running this morning, but the inside of my left ankle has some sharp soreness that I don’t want to agitate. So I guess today is going to be a rest day instead.

You win this time, Body. But only this one time… >.>

I could do yoga, but I’m still fighting off my headache. Sadly this is a day where physically I most likely should take the day off, but I’m not going to because screw you, Sickness.

I never use my time off as I “should”. I would show up to work on my deathbed in most cases. I’m going to keep drinking water and hope that the headache goes away and doesn’t turn migraine on me.

I need to scan my latest project. I need to start work on my assignment. I need to cook the Cajun pasta, too. Past that, there’s not a lot of needs for today. Shower… Coffee since that hasn’t happened yet. I still have about and hour and a half to enjoy the morning. I wish it felt like that would be enough.

Daily Post 003: Pre-Monday

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Today has been a day, and at the moment that’s all I can feel towards it.

It started off ok. I had breakfast and coffee, Zane and I made plans for shopping since I won’t be able to do it at all during the week. While we were on the way to the oriental market Zane and I had a fight. It was so bad he told me to pull over because he was going to walk home. It sucked. There were tears. It felt pointless, but it got better and we ended up continuing on with the day, with an additional minor spat at the store about tofu.

Zane: Is it ok if I get this?
Me: Yes.
Zane: Are you sure? We don’t have to get it.
Me: /goes on a murder spree

We’re under budget again, though with how much we’ve been eating out I don’t feel like we have an accurate gauge on how much we actually spend on food. We sat down and meal planned all our meals this week, rather than leaving it as nebulous ideas. We rationed out everything, so this meal should be four servings, and this one should be eight, these eggs should last this long…

So really now it comes down to dedication of sticking to the plan rather than skimping out.

We’re going to be doing green curry again with a Cajun pasta for dinners this week. Tuna and pb&j for lunches. I also got some ramen containers to take with me to work. We got more oatmeal since we used the last of it the week before, and we have rice pre-fried for a more Japanese type breakfast of rice with eggs. I’ve had it before, and it’s actually pretty awesome.

So, we should be fine for grocery. That’s including buying more dish detergent and cat litter.

John was playing music in the living room, rather loudly, for most of the morning. While Zane and I were on the way home I mentioned how I didn’t want to be home with that, but how I didn’t have a “spot” any more. A place to go to be away from everything / one. No room, no hide away, no alone time.

We talked about libraries, which I still plan to look into. With the schedule for the coming month I’m never going to really have time to go to my sports bar during the week, which is the only time they do the lunch special, and the main reason I go to it. I don’t like going before work because I feel rushed. It’s not the relaxed, “I don’t have anywhere else to be” getaway when I have to watch the clock to make sure I’m not late for my shift.

It’s another thing that I feel like I’m having to give up. And while Zane and I were talking about not having a “spot” it really bothered me. I mentioned how I would love to find a nice quiet café to be able to work at, but how I despised Starbucks.

That led to talking about a café that has been mentioned to me before. Sleeping Moon. I’ve never been there personally, and with wanting to stay out of the apartment for a while Zane and I thought it might be nice to check it out together.

We went home after stopping at Publix for the remainder of our shopping. We put everything up, trying to find space in the fridge because everyone else had been shopping as well, and then went back out on our adventure. Of course that was after looking online to get a general feel for what Sleeping Moon was going to offer because no introvert ever goes out unprepared.

It was love almost as soon as I entered the café. The lighting is sort of dim without being too dark. There are outlets everywhere for plugging in laptops and such. The table Zane and I sat at was perfect. It was pushed flat against a wall so only two people could sit at the table side by side, and there were no tables behind it since it was in a corner essentially. For me it was perfect. Exactly what I was looking for.

Zane got an Oreo milkshake while I got a Honey Bee tea, which was essentially regular tea sweetened with honey instead of sugar or artificial sweeteners. We shared a toasted sandwich which came with veggie fries. I have never had those before, but I really enjoyed them. I also had a glass of water with it since I only had one glass before breakfast, and I’m sure I cried all of that out of my system and then some on the way to the Oriental market.

It was nice and cool inside and though there were a handful of people there, the overall atmosphere was so relaxing and peaceful. I could feel all of the tension melting away.

I was exhausted from being out and about, the fighting over the past three days, not sleeping well, and working out. For some reason none of that mattered while we were sitting in the shop. There was nothing wrong as I sipped my tea and nibbled on yellow, orange, and green sticks.

We ended up sitting in the café for a while after we had finished eating and talked about D&D stuff for a bit. When we came back to the apartment I cross-stitched while listening to more of Dragonquest. I opted to not participate in the Pathfinder game tonight and instead slept until roughly 7:30.

When I woke up I organized the fridge so everyone could still get to their stuff and began prepping the food for cooking tomorrow. So all of the veggies are cut up and in their own individual containers. All that needs to happen now is to add them to the skillet to cook. Easy-peasy. In theory at least.

I finished my homework assignment after eating dinner. I feel I will do pretty alright on it. Maybe not a 100, but an A. I also replied to the discussion post so that’s completely done.

I work tomorrow 1pm to 9pm. There isn’t a class I want to go to at the gym, so maybe I’ll go running again. The treadmill this time might be good to avoid agitating my legs. At the moment they don’t hurt. Not a shin split pain to be found.

So yeah, running around 9ish. Come home, have breakfast, shower, prepare for the day. Hopefully I remember to pack lunch, because if not that would suck. I’ll have a new online class to acclimate to. Lots of “new” tomorrow.

I don’t really have it in me to write about anything else.

Daily Post 001: Starting Over

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I’ve decided to restart my counter on my blog posts.

Originally I was going to wait until the New Year, but I feel this is more appropriate. I will restart my count each year to mark my blog’s birthday. Which… by the way… Happy birthday, Blog. /hugs computer

I am still aware of the realness that a year has passed already, but it’s not as heavy as it was yesterday.

Today has been productive, relaxing, and long.

I woke up around 9:30, I think. I honestly don’t remember. I poked around at my computer for a bit before going to yoga at 11. The instructor asked if there were any requests, so I mentioned hamstrings. Mine were still super sore from the class two days ago.

She asked if I wanted stretching or strength. In my head I wanted stretching, what came out of my mouth was a confident, “Strength.”

Omg >.< Can I stab myself? Why? What on Earth made me say strength when I could barely walk out to my car to drive to the gym in the first place. That’s how sore my legs were already… I didn’t even walk to the gym that’s literally 5 minutes from my apartment, and I want to do strength? I’m going to die.

It ended up being an amazing class. Another really intense sweat. Another round of back cracking into better alignment, and surprisingly my legs felt great afterwards. I’m still feeling good from the workout. I can feel my metabolism picking back up. My body is running a bit warmer than it has this past month. It’s a good feeling.

I came back to the apartment afterwards and stitched for a while. I had lunch. John and Zane kept coming out into the living room while I was trying to have my solitude. I mentioned to Zane that I felt spikey and agitated.

He mentioned that he wasn’t trying to kick me out, but maybe it would be good for me to get out of the apartment. Go somewhere like my sports bar, or work where I could get some alone time.

It was actually a pretty good idea, and one that I had thought of myself. I didn’t want to go to my sports bar though because the lunch specials would have been over, and that’s supposed to be a Friday thing.

I had grading to do anyway, so I ended up showering and going into work early.

I wasn’t able to meet with Marcus, so we’re going to arrange to meet another day.

Instead I went up to “my spot” and cross stitched a bit more before getting through over half of the grading. By then it was time to go to my actual lab where I got more stitching done. I’m over halfway through my current project. : 3

Lab wasn’t all that terribly busy, though I’m glad that it’s over.

After the lab I stuck around to finish off the grading and to poke at my blog a bit. I posted another of the projects I recently finished as well as my Facebook post since I feel it is an important writing and I want to hold on to it.

Looking at my day it sort of feels like I didn’t do all that much, but at the same time I did… I guess it’s because the things I did do took more time. So instead of having a billion little tasks, I have a handful of “heavier” tasks.

I’m still at work. It’s a bit late, but I wanted to create tomorrow’s to-do list before going home where I most likely wouldn’t do it. Same with doing all of my blog stuff. My computer was already set up and everything. If I had gone home my writing most likely wouldn’t have happened, and then I would have felt like a slacker… Not cool when the rest of my day has gone so well.

The only things left on my list for today are to go home, shower, and eat while watching another episode of Sherlock with Zane.

Tomorrow is a bit of a day. Lots of stuff I want to get done, but it’s a payday, and a Friday, so that’s sort of typical.

Well… I’m hungry, and I don’t have much else to write about, so I’m going to go so I can get back to my relaxation.

Dragon’s Horde 0039: My Little Piece of Quiet

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quiet

Title: A Spot of Tea
Designed by: Jennifer Aikmen-Smith
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: September 21st, 2015

Stitched for Ally

Hey Ally,

So… I made this for you because I wanted to give you something to show how much your friendship means to me.

I would like to send this little guy to you. : 3

And this is where I show how much of a noob with WordPress I still am. XD

I don’t know if there’s a way to send private messages. If you’re cool with personal email, you can reach me at conley.setup@gmail.com. : 3

Thanks for being awesome!

Daily Post 0193: Stitch Stitch Stitch

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I’m procrastinating, and of course because of that I have this song stuck in my head. Pardon me while I hunt down the person who showed me this song and make them suffer through unspeakable tortures…

The Procrastination Song

Friday was a great day. I didn’t get school work done. Not surprising. I listened to my book and cross-stitched instead after taking care of the work tasks that need to get done. There weren’t many questions, and the students who did need help asked Frank rather than me, so I was left undisturbed.

I came home and watched Zane play Dishonored for a bit. We made plans to get dinner and to go to Walmart to get a new water filter. Since the only thing I drink at home, for the most part, is water it was a trip that needed to be made. We decided it was best to wait until rush hour was over though.

So at six we went to Moe’s. We had an amazing conversation about education. There’s actually a fairly large percentage of people who still believe the sun revolves around the Earth. I said that if schooling is mandatory, and everything that is taught is to a certain caliber, then how, how, could misinformation like that still be so prevalent?

That led to wondering if any of my accepted “truths” are, in fact, just outdated misinformation, and others think just as harshly of me for having those beliefs. That led to talking about the properties of light, and a weird fungus thing that turns ants into zombies, and then jewel wasps… and then back to the education system… it was great. Brain food for the win.

We retrieved the water filter after eating along with Oreos because those had always been on the list… I had wanted to get the Thin Mint coffee creamer while we were there, since Walmart is the only place I can ever find it. But it wasn’t stocked. Which is totally lame. Instead I got a new one. A coconut cream flavor. It smelled interesting.

I can safely say that I have already tried it and I really enjoy it. So I have gotten rid of the hazel nut. I don’t want to suffer through my coffee. It’s supposed to be an enjoyable experience meant to start my day positively. That led to a conversation about how it would be awesome of we were able to sample items before having to spend money to buy them in bulk. I really don’t like trying new things because I don’t know if it will be a good investment or not.

We ended up watching Psycho-Pass for a while then went to sleep. Very nice, low key day, with a completely clear Saturday to look forward to.

Saturday was good, but different than how I thought it would be.

Uke came over with Ethan, Zane’s other brother. It was the first time I’ve met him. Zane and I didn’t find out they would be over until late Friday night, so the quiet day I had been planning wasn’t going to be as queit as I thought, which was fine.

Uke needed Trevor’s help making some display cabinets for his work, and Ethan was in town and tagging along for fun.

Zane hung out with them for a little bit, but eventually we ended up going to the oriental market to do our grocery shopping. We are super under budget again, which is really nice.

Oh! Zane also got his 100% acceptance letter from the job. He is officially hired and starts October 12th. We went out to celebrate, which led to a conversation about how we have nothing left to celebrate so there isn’t a reason to go out to eat at all this coming week. Even though we’ve had the budget for all the times we’ve gone out, I don’t like how often we have been doing it. It’s suppose to be a treat.

So that’s a goal we have this week. To break the habit we’ve been forming and to not eat out until Friday, which we decided would be a date night for us.

We went to Smokey Bones where I ended up having a burger. He teased me for eating my burger with a fork and knife… I guess I’m weird.

Since we were in that plaza I asked Zane if we could stop by a craft store so I could get more fabric for cross stitching. I realized with the new project that I’m working on that I have nothing to stitch on anymore. How could I have let this happen? It’s like not having pencils to draw with… or a notebook to write a to-do list down in… it’s just sacrilege.

I got more needles while I was there because you can never have too many needles. It was originally going to be $16, but I guess there was a promotion going on and the cashier gave it to me even though I didn’t have the coupon, so it was only a $10 excursion. So much win. <3

I spent most of the evening in the room since literally everyone was in the living room yesterday. I listened to my book and cross-stitched. No Psycho-Pass. I helped Zane when he started cooking dinner. Stuffed squid. I also peeled the shrimp we had gotten.

The squid came out alright. Zane had already started thinking about ways to make it better before he even had the first bite. I teased him about it.

“So. I have this crazy idea. Stay with me on it… How about… You just enjoy it?” XD

He smirked at me and said he was walking away. Pretty sure that was another win for me. I was on a role yesterday.

Eventually Zane went to sleep. I wasn’t all that tired so I finished the cross stitch completely before going and cleaning up the kitchen. I deveined the shrimp, I boiled the eggs and made the tuna. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. I went to the couch, but only managed to nap lightly before Zane came out.

He was awake. We talked about why I wasn’t in bed with him. He said he had felt like it was because he was tossing and turning all night and making it hard for me to sleep. Nope. Just insomnia, and I didn’t want to keep him up with my own tossing and turning. XD

He’s currently asleep on the couch. Stealing my spot and stuff… I’ve had breakfast of a tuna sandwich, I’ve had coffee. I’ve been chatting with a person on OkCupid. It’s been an interesting conversation so far, but much like writing this blog, I’m using it to procrastinate, when really I need to get to work. I have to have my assignment done before the game.

Nothing else is really supposed to happen today. Depending on when I get my assignment done I may start the second part of my craft project. I feel like an evil mastermind every time I think of it. Muahahahaha. It will be marvelous once it is done.

So things are still going ok. I feel like my base line is raising back to it’s normal levels. Not fully there yet, but better than what it has been. Alright. I’m going. I’m going.

Daily Post 0191: Just Another Day

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It’s later than what I want, but in the scheme of things today isn’t any different from the previous mornings I’ve woken up on. It’s 10:30. I’ve cleaned the kitchen already of last nights dishes. The stove top needs to be scrubbed but at the moment I’m too tired of cleaning up after other people to bring myself to do it. Maybe later.

I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 3 am when I came out to the living room. And even then I think I was awake for about another hour or so. I couldn’t sleep. It was annoying, and I still woke up at 9am.

I didn’t do much yesterday. That seems to be the mantra of my blog. I went to work. I made small talk with a few of the people I saw in the hall, and was proud of myself for being able to maintain myself. I listened to my Spotify list and cross stitched after wasting part of my life on Facebook.

There was a department meeting yesterday, but since Frank and I were running lab, we had to pick only one of us to go. Frank ended up being the sacrificial offering since I went to the meeting last month.

Frank had asked if I wanted to be there, since I used to champion going to the meetings. But this time was different. I said that I honestly didn’t care. They never have information that justifies the lab staff being present. It’s a waste of time, and right now, with how disenchanted I am with the system, I would rather stab my eyes out, or set the conference room on fire in a brilliant display of how useless the room actually is, rather than sit through another pointless, useless meeting where the suggestions and ideas that could help make the environment better get shot down.

Next month the new changes to the curriculum are supposed to hit Shading and Lighting. I wonder how that will go. It’s still about six months to go before it affects my class. I don’t know what will be happening to Seth and David. And I still don’t know how it is actually being incorporated into the second half of the program because no one tells us anything. They just assume that some how we’ll figure it out.

I may be irrationally frustrated with work at the moment… my bad.

I got further with my cross stitch and with Dragonflight, but I wasn’t able to finish either before work was done.

I saw Eileen, the course director for Character Animation, while I was leaving. We chatted for a bit, and it was actually genuine conversation. It made me feel a bit better. We talked about the changes to the program and my Digital Arts and Design degree. She, herself, is interested in taking classes and was glad to have had the chance to talk to me about it since I gave her honest feedback about the workloads.

I cross stitched a bit more when I got home while listening more to my book, and actually got the project finished. I’ll try to have the motivation to scan both of my finished pieces on Friday when I’m near a scanner.

I’ve already picked out and started a new one. I like this one. I think it will be good to work on it. Zane cooked dinner while I hung out in the kitchen chatting with him. We ate dinner then watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass. We ended up having a spat, which might have led to my inability to sleep.

I work at 9pm tonight. I’m hoping I can nap at some point today.

Zane had an email saying the only thing they are waiting on is the background check to clear. That may be later today or tomorrow.

The thought of having to go into work makes me feel defeated before the day even begins. At least I don’t have to work this Saturday. I keep forgetting that. I wish that made a difference, but it doesn’t.

Zane asked what I wanted to do today. I asked if it would be bad if I wanted to be introverted and anti-social. His answer was that wasn’t bad at all. We could totally be introverted and anti-social together.

Yes… but can I do those things alone?

Oh…

I feel like the mood killer right now. A large part of me misses having my own room at the moment. A door that I could close. A small space that was purely my own that no one else was allowed into.

Right now it’s not so bad. I’m in the living room. Zane is still asleep. I think Trevor is as well. John has already left for work, so really it’s just me and that cats, chillin’. My coffee is getting cold in front of me. It’s the hazel nut creamer this morning. I’ve decided that I’ll finish it. I don’t want it to be wasted and no one else drinks coffee here. Because they’re aliens.

Nothing else really to say. I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been completing the challenge since I gave up on it last week. I haven’t been making my origami cranes or caring about what I eat.

Just another day where I wake up and feel accomplished for the fact that I keep going.

Daily Post 0190: I Went to Waffle House

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At the moment I’m feeling ok.

Work was rough. There is a turn in soon. David is back though, so it wasn’t as bad as the previous lab. I don’t know why but it feels like the end of the week already. If only it were.

Rather, if only it were the end of the week and that actually meant something for me because I don’t get weekends off, or any day really, so there really isn’t a point to wanting it to be the end of the week in the first place. /sigh

Coffee this past week has been sort of lame. I got a hazel nut coffee creamer. It tastes kind of like Christmas. I don’t really like it. I don’t know why, but my mouth just doesn’t want it. I got a container of the peppermint mocha one that I like. Normally I don’t begin a new container until the old one is gone, but I’m sort of breaking that rule right now and I’m left wondering if I should dump the hazel nut because I really would rather not finish it. That’s pretty wasteful though, and I would be bothered by that.

I need to make a decision on what to do before too long. I’m already pretty tired with wasting mental energy on it.

Zane made the stir-fry last night. I peeled and deveined the shrimp, and the veggies were already cut up from the other morning. We watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass before I went into work. It’s getting interesting. Not to the point of Ergo Proxy where I have to watch the next episode or I would have died, but good nonetheless.

I wasn’t able to get a lot of stitching done yesterday after Zane woke up. I only have some backstitching left to do, and finishing off two letters at the bottom of the piece. I would like to finish it today, but I’m not making myself any promises.

Luis got an art test yesterday. No, not just an art test. A super awesome, “holy-shit I can’t believe that company is talking to you, that’s amazing!” art test. It doesn’t seem to be that hard of one either. That being said, he’s putting the certification on hold until he’s done with the test, which I can understand. He said if I wanted I could do the test alone instead of waiting for him. I might do that. I really want to take the test this month. That way I can move on to the Professional Certification. Maybe that can be next month.

Zane and I ended up not doing the drug test yesterday. That was frustrating. The test center he needed to go to ended up being a different one than the one he told me, which isn’t bad, but I don’t like not knowing where I’m going. I’m trusting someone else to not get me lost, so that was off to a bad start. It was raining for another thing, and I really didn’t feel like being out in the rain, or driving in it. The center was only open until three and it was two already, so I felt a little rushed. And, to top it off, once we had finally been able to cross across traffic to get out of the apartment complex parking lot Zane realized he had forgotten his paperwork, and at that point if we turned around we wouldn’t be able to make it to the center before it closed….

Meh. Too depressed to care.

We ended up going to a Waffle House to eat. That’s the last of the money for being under budget.

It was the Waffle House that I would go to with Mother Earth. I cried a little when I told Zane about it. How I had parked in the exact same parking spot three months after her and Josh had moved away and broke down. How I had been unable to go inside because I missed them so much.

I still do. I still cried in the parking lot. I still hope they are doing well and that one day Mother Earth and I can repair the relationship I feel I have broken. It feels like shattered, broken pieces of spiky glass inside my chest. I don’t know where to begin with it because all of it hurts.

I don’t think she reads my blog anymore. With how depressing it’s been lately I wouldn’t blame her. I hope married life is going well for her. I hope things are better.

I hope she knows that I still miss her.

So that was a little hard yesterday. I did go inside. An empty worn out shell of a person. But I did it. I wonder if that’s healing.

When I got home from work I ate, watched a few YouTube videos with Zane, cleaned the kitchen, then went to bed. He stayed up for a bit, so when he came into the room I once again woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I ended up on the couch again with Shadow, Zane’s cat, as a cuddle buddy.

I’ve already had breakfast of leftover stir-fry. I’m working on my coffee. I know that sounds like a weird combination. Don’t judge me. >.<;

Zane is off to get the drug test taken care of. I let him take my car, which I’m wondering if that’s worth the stress. I’m internally freaking out that he’ll get into a wreck, that I won’t be able to get to work, that I’ll be left with a $10k loan for a car minus the car. I’m worried that he’ll get hurt when he doesn’t have health insurance. And at the same time I’m worried that he won’t get hurt and I’ll be able to kill him myself…

Blah, so much thought. If only I could go back to sleep and not worry about it.

One of the things he had to do for the job offer was have his credit history checked. That caused him some stress because his credit right now is pretty awful. He was honest about it in the interview, and he didn’t see a reason why they would deny him based solely on credit. But it was nerve wracking for him.

This morning he had an email saying his credit check was fine. So the only hurtle that’s left is the drug test, and since he doesn’t binge nightly on cocaine I think we’re in the clear.

Today is Shading and Lighting. I plan to work on schoolwork again. I need to finish off my reading for the week and begin work on the brochure. Finishing the cross stitch would be nice. Reading more of Dragonflight would be cool, too.

That’s about all I have on my agenda though. Maybe boiling eggs for the tuna. And I’m going to stop there because I know myself. I’ll keep finding little things to keep adding to my list until it’s a mountain that towers above me. I’m up, and I’ll be showered before going to work. That’s a good day in my book.

Daily Post 0127: The End of a Week

Standard

Today is going well, but before I get into that I suppose I should cover yesterday.

Oh Thursday, My Thursday

Thursday. My “day before,” my “one more day”.

I actually woke up around 5am even though I didn’t have to be at work until 9 that morning. I guess my body is finally finding a rhythm. Just in time for it to change again…

Huzzah… said no one ever.

I got up and poked around online for a bit, but eventually went back to sleep until 7:30. I had breakfast and coffee. I showered and got ready for my day. I was on time to work, and once I was set up I pretty much dropped kicked my to-do list in the face.

I finished off the ticket stub exercise and submitted it for grading. I feel like I am going to get a decent score on the assignment. At least I’m happy with the way it turned out. It will be interesting to see the feedback from the instructor.

I made a few posts on WordPress for my Dragon’s Horde, and after taking care of some emails I started looking at the main project assignment for this week.

We’re going to be re-making a book cover. Essentially we pick a book we like, and do a redesign of the front and back covers, along with the spine.

I picked Dragons of Summer Flame. It’s the last book in the core quartet of the Dragonlance chronicles. I worked through some ideas and I think I’ve settled on what I’m going to go with. Now it’s all execution.

After work I went home. I should have slept, but didn’t. Just wasn’t all that tired. I curled into bed with Zane, but we both got up after only a few minutes of cuddling. I cross stitched while he watched a few shows. Eventually we watched A Lier’s Autobiography.

At first I was stitching through it, but it was super interesting, and all the different art styles were amazing. I couldn’t help but put the cross stitch down and watch the movie with Zane.

I ended up taking a nap around 5pm. Zane left for work at 5:30, taking my car. I had planned to walk to the dojo. It’s only about 10 to 15 minutes away in walking distance. Totally not an issue. In fact, it would have been a fairly good warm up….

Except that I live in Florida and the only time it rains is during the 10 or 15 minutes you need to be outside. And by rain I mean torrential down pour, with thunder and lightning and the wrath of God because how dare you think about going outside oh foolish mortal…

So… I went back to sleep instead. XD

I actually slept off and on until Zane came home at 2am. There was one point where I woke and stitched for about 30 minutes. And another time, around 11pm, I was up long enough to clean the kitchen a bit and have a tuna sandwich, but for the most part my body did a total reset.

I got up when Zane came home. We watched a few episodes of a new anime. I’ll have to ask him what the name is. It’s alright, but not my favorite. I’m pretty sure he shares the same opinion.

At 5am I went back to sleep and stayed unconscious until around 10am this morning.

Oh, something else that Zane and I did yesterday was figure out how to arrange the furniture in the room. I like knowing where my desk is going to be. I can’t wait for it to be set up.

I also had a message from Nicole asking how to know when computer code could be optimized. That’s sort of a tricky subject to teach, but I used the code she sent me as an example and was able to take 8 lines of code and do the same thing in only three lines.

I told her the best advice I had ever been given in regards to efficiency was, “If you’re writing the same thing over and over, there’s most likely a better way to do it.”

I also told her that efficiency doesn’t really matter if your code doesn’t work. In my opinion, it’s always better to write something, anything, first and get it working, then to go back and see if there might be a better, more elegant way to get to the same result.

It’s a lot like writing a rough draft and then going back over and polishing it for your final copy. If you bog yourself down trying to make it perfect on your first go, you’ll most likely never get it finished.

She was super grateful for my explanation and said that it made a lot of sense. I’m looking forward to see how her coding improves.

I also read an amazing blog by Mama Spike, which may result in a change to my task / time tracking. She came up with her own special system, and it looks totally amazing, and awesome, and I can’t wait to try it out. I don’t think I’ll be able to do much with it until Monday, but I’m super looking forward to experimenting with it. : )

You’re the best Mama Spike!

So yeah… Yesterday wasn’t all that intense. No work out, which means I’ll have to make up for it on Saturday, but I feel good today. I feel rested and there’s no soreness in my muscles. I’m still a little on the tired side, but over all I feel ready. I feel capable. It’s a nice feeling to have again.

The Friday that Felt Like Saturday

I keep having to remind myself that it’s only Friday. Since I haven’t had to go into work it feels like a day off. I didn’t have to wake up to an alarm. My day has been un-rushed. It’s been insanely nice and restoring.

It’s a little later than I would like, but over all it’s still fairly early.

I woke up around 10am. Had coffee, but no breakfast since I had plans to go to my sports bar. Finally.

I figured out my budget. I can cover all my bills, which is always fantastic, but I can also cover the extra stuff like the U-Haul rental, the stupid debt collector for the cancellation fees, the dentist, the doctor. Even a few extra things like laundry since the new place no longer has a washer and dryer in the unit.

I’ve already been to the U-Haul store to pay the unit for the coming month and to reserve the van.

I’ve been to the bank and got the money orders for Trevor and John. I withdrew money for food, the sports bar, laundry, and, since I’ve been smoking with Zane, money for coals and shisha for the hookah.

Today still has a long way to go, though. Once I finish with this post I have a weekly recap to do, another thing I can finally worm back into my routine. After that it’s off to the laundry mat where I’ll begin grading. Then back to home to put cloths away and to pick up Zane.

We plan to go to the smoke shop and the grocery store together. At 6 he has work at which point I’ll most likely go to the gym for my run and core work. Finishing the grading will be after that, and I really need to block out the dimensions for my homework.

None of that is on the to-do list yet though. After we put the food away I need to sit an re-evaluate the day and make a second one.

I was able to call the YMCA about the cancellation of my membership. Since I can only end the contract / benefit thing during the open enrollment period with the school I wanted to know when that would be occurring in the fall. Well… I guess I’m going to have to wait until November… 5 months…

It won’t kill me but it still sucks to think that I’m going to be losing $45 a month in my paycheck for a membership I’m no longer going to be using. That’s $225. : /

/sigh

That’s the only mildly frustrating thing to note at the moment though, and I’m not going to let it get me down. It’s a fact. I can’t change it. There’s no real point in wasting energy on it.

So with that I suppose I’m off to go re-read my posts for this past week. I feel like this week was pretty awesome, and I’m looking forward to reminding myself of all of the things I was able to get done, and all the things I survived.