Hey mom,

I did it. Finally. I officially accepted another job AND turned in my letter of resignation.

It’s weird. I feel better in some ways. Less heavy. Less stressed. Less… lost?

In other ways I’m worried. Is this the right choice? Am I going to be ok?

I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I feel like I won’t die on my way to work Friday because I know all I have to do is hold out long enough and it will end. All I have to do is make it through two more days. I can do two days. They’re most likely going to be hell. Tomorrow is most likely going to suck because I’ll get messages or phone calls asking what’s going on and won’t I stay and how I can’t leave.

Except I can and I am. I’m done bleeding out from wounds no one can see or that no one cares enough to help heal. It’s always “increase your anti-depressant” instead of “let’s fix the issues that are contributing to your depression”

Life is too short to spend it miserable and knowingly allowing myself to stay in a place where I don’t want to be.

I’ve done it for three years. I’ve waited for it to get better for three years. I’ve held on and dug deep and the only thing it has gotten me is depression and burnout.

I don’t know if this specific direction is the right one, but it’s a different direction and that has to count for something, right? Even if it ends up being a “not smart” move, at least I tried something, and mistakes mean that you’re trying. You’re figuring things out.

I’m still trying to figure out how to live life without you. Originally I wanted to be in health care so my life meant something. If I didn’t show up to work people’s lives were affected, so I had to show up to work. It gave me something to cling to. My life had value still, so I had to keep living.

I’ve lost so much of myself along the way. I don’t feel like Jennifer anymore. I feel like a hollow shell who cries on her way to work and sleeps while I’m off the clock because I’m so soul-weary and tired that I can’t do much more than that. I’m proud of myself when I get the laundry done. I’m proud of myself when I don’t cry at the thought of going grocery shopping.

I’m so far away from who I used to be. The fire of passion and purpose is so low right now that I honestly don’t know how I still get up in the morning. I don’t know how I have more to give each day I do because there is so little left.

I’m working on changing that. I’m working on living a life where I honor myself and my needs and it started today by accepting an offer instead of turning it down. I’m not going to stay with the evil I know. I’m going to try something new and if it doesn’t work then I’ll try something else new.

I’ve changed careers before. I’ve moved halfway across the country once. I can do hard things. And I can do them because you taught me to be brave and that effort matters more than results. I’m going to start trying my best again, mom. And it’s going to start with caring about myself.

I know my current work culture is one of burnout and I know I’m slowing dying on the inside each time I go to the clinic. That’s not self-love. If a stranger told me my own story, I would think it’s fucked up and that they need / should leave. If that’s the advice I would give a stranger, then why am I not giving myself the same advice? What makes me different that I should stay in an environment that is mentally and emotionally unhealthy? That actually causes me to have health problems because of the levels of stress with the lack of facilitating effective coping mechanisms?

Tomorrow, tonight really, is a new direction. A scary direction. A direction back to myself. I know it’s the right direction even though I don’t know where it will take me or where I will end up. Maybe this is the last career move I’ll make. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it doesn’t really matter.

Actually… I know it doesn’t matter. You taught me that. Through all the different things you did in life, all of the positions you held… It’s about trying to do your best for yourself and your loved ones. Jerad deserves a partner who isn’t emotionally destroyed. Jon and Jason deserve a sister who is present and able to participate in life. Dad deserves a daughter who is strong. I’m strong because of you, mom. I’m strong enough to get through the next few days. I’m strong enough to stand my ground. I’m strong enough to care for myself, to love myself, to forgive myself.

I’m strong because you took the time to love me, teach me, to let me mess up and learn from my mistakes. I’m still learning, but I’m also still listening and remembering and figuring things out.

I’m doing what’s right for me. I know you’re proud of me. I remember the dream I had. I remember the message you sent to me. I love you, mom. I’ll keep making you proud. Forever and for always. I love you.