Written last week
Posted today
I’m writing again. It feels like an accomplishment. I’m doing something. I’m taking time for myself.
Towards the end of February, Ox got me a new phone. My old one was broke all to hell. The sound quality on calls was crappy at best. There was one morning where we accidentally took each other’s phones to work, so he was stuck with mine all day. Not long after was when the “new phone” happened.
I like it. I’ve gotten a shockproof case for it which I like. It’s all celestial with blues and purples and stary nebula. I like holding it. Touching it. Being all weird and INFJy with it.
I’ve gotten most of my apps at least installed on the new phone; not that I really use many of them. I’ve even gone through and logged into a majority of them. That meant I had to either guess my password right, look it up, or reset it because I couldn’t figure it out. I’ve had to reblock a bunch of spam numbers, but those are getting fewer and further in-between.
Irrational Right Brain: Fuck you, Florida. I’m not answering your calls.
Ox and I have renovated the bedroom. That started shortly after my previous writing. Originally we were just going to patch some spots on the walls and repaint. Nothing major…
Well, then we ended up redoing the ceiling, tearing down two walls, adding soundproofing to the north wall, redoing ALL of the drywall, putting on new outlet covers, getting a new overhead light, and painting both ceiling and walls.
We still need to get a new door and put up the trim around the ceiling. We might be doing some new shelving in the closet area which used to be where my computer desk went. We’ve purchased a bunch of stuff off Amazon which has been trickling in. Currently, we’re waiting on a new bedframe. It’s roughly 18 inches tall, so we’ll be able to fit mini dressers under the bed essentially giving us a bedframe will drawers under it. That’s going to free up so much space in the room. The frame comes in tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.
Overall I really like how well the project turned out. There are still piles here and there since we can’t finalize the rest of everything else without the bed frame. I’m trying to not let them bother me too much.
Ox and I have already discussed the game plan for working on the addition. I doubt I’ll work on it today or tomorrow. It’s been cold and cloudy. One of my patients isn’t doing well and it’s almost mom’s death day. Internally things have been sort of shitty. I miss how I felt while I was working on the room. I miss seeing progress and results for my time and effort, but for the past week, I’ve been sad. My grief is easily triggered.
My goal right now is to keep going, one day at a time. I didn’t do so hot yesterday. I slept for most of it. It felt good to sleep. I did cross-stitch some. That’s something I’ve been doing more this past week. It gives me something quiet to do. Something that doesn’t require higher-level thinking. I can simply be. I can let my mind relax and not worry about anything other than the thread I’m working with.
I’ve renewed my membership at the YMCA though I haven’t gone to a class yet. Small steps I guess. I haven’t wanted to be around people. Maybe once the weather turns again and the sun comes back and it’s not a frozen tundra outside I’ll be more ok with going out.
It’s weird to think that last Thursday I was super productive and got so many things done simply because it was a warm sunny day. It had been cloudy, cold, and yucky for so long that finally having sunlight turned me into a superhuman productivity machine. No joke. I annihilated my to-do list. I even MADE a to-do list. Whaaaaat?!?!?!
Yet, here I am, once again feeling down and crummy. It sucks. I was supposed to take my car in for maintenance yesterday, but at 6:30 am I knew that wasn’t going to happen. So that’s rescheduled for tomorrow.
I wish I knew when it was ok to let myself be and when I need to buckle down. I wish I knew when my sadness was grief or a Synthroid imbalance. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life and what goals I want for myself. I wish I knew so many things, and right now I don’t. I don’t have answers or drive or passion.
I have hurt. I have loneliness. I have anger.
Last night, Ox said my name during sexy time. My full name. Jennifer. Not, kitten, or Jen…
Jennifer.
Out of nowhere, I was filled with rage.
Irrational Right Brain: How dare you use my name!? Only mom called me Jennifer. You have no right to call me that!!!
It’s stupid things like that… things that deep down aren’t stupid, that hurt. But how do you explain to the rest of the world the achingly crushing feeling of loneliness of knowing you’ll never hear your name again from the one person you want more than anything to hear it from?
I’ve been having a lot of intense emotional reactions lately and I guess thinking about it in a detached way, that’s why I’ve been so tired and anti-people. I know all of this will eventually settle down. Mom’s fifth death day will come and go and eventually, I’ll make peace with it like I’ve had to do four other times already.
I’m pretty sure today is going to be another “cross-stitch with the cats” sort of day, and right now, I’m ok with that.