Hey Chromebook,

Today is a much different day than yesterday. It’s weird how one thing can change so much.

I did eventually start working on stuff. It helped that Ox came over. It seems easier to do things when he’s here. I showered and started laundry. I took care of the dishes. We had a cigerette before leaving to do grocery shopping. While we were standing around, I cleaned out my car.

We started at Costco where Ox renewed his membership with Mama Ox. I signed up for my own membership with Jon, so grocery shopping doesn’t hinge on Ox being there. We went to Super Saver for the small things on the shopping list and Walgreens for the Starburst water packets. Those things are amazing, btw.

We came back to the apartment and got the walls ready for painting. I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it today. Maybe Sunday but I guess that really depends on how the next two days at work go.

I figured out what I want to do with my computer desk. I figured out the replacement bed I want since I had to throw my mattresses out. It’s a folding mattress that can turn into a couch. Not a futon, with a frame and everything, but sort of like a floor sofa that can become a queen mattress.

That should be here Tuesday. My computer desk alternatives should be delivered Monday. It would be good to get the painting done on Sunday so I can start putting my room back together. It would be nice for my room to be the way I want it; envision it. If I’m going to be here for a few years I want it to be something I look forward to coming home to; something I enjoy being in. Something that reflects my minimalist mindset and the space I enjoying giving myself rather than the cluttered, disorganized disaster I feel trapped in.

Lately, I’ve been running into the issue of even if I wanted to cross-stitch, I don’t have the type of space I would want to do it. The living room is “alright” but it’s not the warm fuzzy feeling of “rightness”. At least not yet. Same with my room. With an air mattress that has a leak we can’t find, it’s hard to be comfy for any length of time. I think it’s starting to affect my sleep as well.

Anywho… so yesterday there were a lot of things that I couldn’t really do anything about other than wait and that sucked. Eventually, Ox and I got a message about D&D being canceled. Because of that, he suggested that we go check out one of the gyms close to the apartment. I was against it at first. After much insistence from Ox, I called and set up my free workout for 5:30. I needed to be there around 5:15 to get a tour of the facility and talk to one of the coaches.

It ended up being an awesome workout. I did way better than I thought I would. They have heart rate monitors that you wear during your workout and your stats are displayed on screens. When I first put mine on my heart rate was already displaying pretty high.

Me: Well… there’s anxiety in real-time.

I was super nervous about going. There were row machines. I didn’t know how my incision would handle rowing. I didn’t know how my legs would handle cardio. I didn’t know how I would handle being around a bunch of people I didn’t know while feeling like a failure because I haven’t worked out in months and I suck.

While I most likely won’t get a membership with this location because they’re super expensive and not really geared towards MMA stuff, it was extremely validating to go and realize I don’t suck as much as I thought I did. Honestly… I don’t suck at all. Maybe a little behind on endurance, but not by much.

I’m sort of sore today, but to be fair, I haven’t moved around a whole lot yet. I’m not as sore as I was worried I would be. It’s that right level of soreness. Not too much, but not too little. That, too, is validating. Dagger is doing a good job of making sure I take it easy and recover by giving cat cuddles.

I think I’m ok with a chill day of not a whole lot. Maybe some meal prep. Maybe lunch out with Ox. No deep, dark questions about, “am I broken?” No pressure to complete an unrealistic to-do list. Just a bright, sunny, summer day where I enjoy the fact that I’m here and respect the knowledge that “here” is a long way from where I was four years ago.

I’m doing alright and I’m ok with that.