I have a bit of time before I need to get ready to head into work for the day. Hopefully, I’ll only be there for the two hours or so of change over instead of the 5.5 I was there for Wednesday. That’s something I’ll cover at a later point, but yeah. I have some time to write now so the game plan is to try to get through as much of my life as possible and finish whatever I’m not able to get to once I get back from venturing out into the world.

I was still on Thursday morning in my last writing. Yeah… Thursday had a lot of stuff happen. Valentine’s day. My one year mark in Nebraska. My one year anniversary with Ox.

The plans for my trip to Orlando were becoming more solid after talking with Sir and my younger brother. I had found out about the death of my friend and the chance that I would still be able to say, “I’ll see you later,” to him.

After the conversation with Rounder’s wife, I had a conversation with Mother Earth. Her final text messages to me before my move had hurt. That hasn’t stopped me from loving and caring for her and feeling like she was missing from my life. I haven’t made zucchini fries or zucchini brownies since my move because it felt wrong to do so. They were something Mother Earth and I had both enjoyed. They were an “us” thing and with “us” feeling not ok it hadn’t felt right to make them or share them with others.

Our phone conversation this past Thursday was a good one. It was good to hear her voice again. It was good to say all of the things I had wanted to say to her and to hear her apology and explanation for her actions and choices. She’s doing well. There have been some pretty low lows in her life since I’ve moved, but there has also been a lot of growth and I feel like she’s doing well for herself. It was good to reconnect with her and it’s not lost to me that it happened on Valentine’s day.

I eventually showered and headed into town to have lunch with Ox. We went to the Chinese place I like. I think of it as one of “our” places. I told him about all of my conversations, including the one with Mother Earth. We talked about what that could potentially mean for the relationship Ox and I have. I, personally, am more ok with mending an extremely deep relationship that I care about rather than trying to find another female to bring into our dynamic.

Firstly, it’s not about the sex or potential of sex. It’s about the emotional connection I feel with someone. I’m not interested in trying to find someone else because there’s a part of me who believes I won’t find the depth of connection I have with Mother Earth with another person. Maybe that’s because I don’t WANT to find that type of connection with anyone else. Relationships and emotions are weird like that. The few times I’ve looked at the profiles on OkCupid the main thought whispering through my head is, “They’re not her.” Well… Duh, they’re not her. No one but Mother Earth can be Mother Earth. But the fact that these new people aren’t is a deterrent. It’s such a conscious “con” on the con list that it makes the attempt a no-go before I even start. Not a good start for the success of a relationship. : /

Ox is worried about me getting hurt again because he knows how much the falling out Mother Earth and I had before my move affected me. I can’t deny the pain I felt and I can’t say his worries are unfounded. It’s something in my head as well.

I told Ox that I hadn’t had a lot of time to process through all of the events of my morning so I didn’t really know what I wanted to ask for. I said that I would like to be able to make the choices I make and to handle the consequences or repercussions of those choices along with experiencing whatever good or positive came from those choices as well. I want Mother Earth to be in my life, even if that’s purely in the form of phone calls and Facebook messages. We live half a country away now. A physical relationship isn’t really in the cards. I highly doubt she would move to Nebraska with everything she has going for her in Orlando. I am not going to be moving back to Orlando even though I miss people who still live there.

So what does that mean for my coming trip?

I don’t know yet. Ox and I haven’t ironed out what is and is not ok for me to do while I’m there. Through other conversations Mother Earth and I have had, we both agree that our primary relationships are more important than temporary gratification. Our everyday lives matter and Ox is part of everyday life for me. If he’s not ok with things happening, then they’re not ok. End of story.

It’s something he and I will have to address in the coming weeks. If at the end of the conversation there’s not a clear yes with boundaries then it will be a no and I honestly am ok with that. I want everyone to feel secure and loved and ok. As much fun as it would be to do super sexy kinky things with Mother Earth, I’m just as ok knowing I have my friend back in my life who I can have “girl” conversations with on the phone for two hours in a gas station parking lot, or that I can make a batch of zucchini fries to share with while we geek out over whatever show we’re watching. I don’t think I can fully explain just how small the sexual side of it is when held against the feelings of belonging and acceptance her and I feel through our interactions.

I’m sure I’ll write more on the topic as the days go by. At the moment I suppose the conclusion for this section of my life is that Mother Earth and I are talking again. I have plans to stay a majority of my nights at the house with her and Sir rather than couch-hopping or spending hundreds of dollars on hotel rooms. Ox is grudgingly ok with those plans. At least that’s what I got from our talks. More talks will be had.

After a lengthy lunch full of talking and discussing, he and I went grocery shopping. I love our trips together. I like not being in the store alone dealing with all the other people by myself. I can, and have, successfully completed grocery trips alone, but I actually like them when Ox is with me. I look forward to them. It’s like our “date” time. Our “us” time.

There was sexy time when we got home. That’s where the wife word came up. At the time, I was pretty sure my brain was screwing with me. I mean… “life” does sound a lot like “wife”, right? And he and I have had conversations where marriage wasn’t in the picture; mostly due to my own insecurities and perspective of marriage but also due to child support and debt on both sides of the relationship. So, there’s no way he called me his wife.

Yeah, it was super hot and sexy and now I have all of these emotions that I have to internalize because I hadn’t realized how much I wanted him to say that word to me, but he totally didn’t say that word… He said life, so all of you emotions that poofed out of nowhere can go back to the box I didn’t know you were hiding in or even existed and stay there for the rest of forever because that word is totally never going to be said so there.

Box. Now.

While Ox and I were outside having our “beta-test” session I admitted that my brain was having a hard time processing through something I thought he had said because I actually didn’t know exactly what he had said. Those emotions weren’t doing a very good job of staying in their box and I wasn’t ok with having them unresolved.

I needed to know. Even if it sucked and he had said life and now things were super awkward because I had misheard… Somehow we would get through it; the awkwardness of me wanting more in the relationship than him. I would get through it. But before I could “get through it” I needed to know what I legitimately needed to get through. I needed to know what had actually been said. Or not said.

Right Brain: But that means actually asking the question. Totally way easier to just freak out over it.

Left Brain: No. Deep breath. Big girl panties. You can do this. He’s always been kind and supportive. You can ask this and still be ok.

And…. I’m going to pause my writing here because work is a thing. >.<

many unexpected hours later

I’m finally back at my computer, writing, and it’s already 7:30 pm; my bedtime.

As much as I hate to do it, I’m not going to continue writing. I’ve done a lot today. I went to work and actually worked. I went to the college and talked to the financial aid specialist. I went to Walmart and returned something along with buying a few groceries. I came home. I applied for scholarships. I filled out my FASFA. I had dinner. I recreated the Google Excel sheet Ox and I use for our budget because numbers are changing. I refactored the payoff for my car now that I don’t have to worry about student loan payments. Ox and I have talked about those changes and our next action steps in regards to our financial goals…

And my brain is dead.

It’s like the more I try to catch up with this week, the further I fall behind. Maybe one day I’ll be able to progress past the day that was last Thursday. Today is not that day.