So I’m going to try writing again and hopefully, the Internet doesn’t eat it this time. Not that I’m still miffed about my last writing or anything…

I’m still low energy. I canceled training today mostly because I have a sore spot on my foot, but also because I didn’t want to go anywhere today. I messaged my trainer and asked if it would be possible to rescheduled to Saturday. We’re going to see how my foot is feeling tomorrow and go from there. He gave me advice for taking care of it, so we’ll see.

It’s been… nice… not doing anything. I’ve been in bed nearly all day with small bouts of “up-ness”. I sat outside for a while this morning before going back to bed. I dug through the Warrior Dash event photos and found mine since those were posted. I’ve talked Jon and messaged a few people through Facebook. I talked to Ox during his lunch break. But that’s been about the extent of my day.

No chores. No shower. Not even really eating. My first meal happened at 1 pm. I’m picking away at what should have been my breakfast right now, but only because of a few posts I’ve read online.

I’m still pretty low energy and though today has been nice, feeling this low, still, is sort of annoying.

Dehydration is a possible culprit. I haven’t been drinking anywhere close to the amount of water that I “should” be drinking on a normal day. With running my race and the general heat level outside and sweating through my days at work, I’m most likely bearly skating by and my body is having issues with that, fatigue being one of the symptoms.

Not eating enough or the right stuff is another possible factor. I haven’t wanted to eat lately. With the news about work on Monday and with the conversation I had the following Wednesday, I’m not really motivated to eat. I don’t have the issue of stress eating like some people do. If I’m stressed for feel like things are out of balance and unresolved, I tend to skip meals which throws everything off.

On the subject of Wednesday… I talked to my FA and asked if they had any idea of what I would be working this coming schedule. She said no. It would be taken on a week by week basis and they couldn’t guarantee anything. I asked, at a bare minimum, could I not close on Mondays at Cap City because that would prevent me from going to the dojo on one of the few days they offer jiujitsu.

She said they would try. They think they hired someone specifically to close on the late days, but again, she couldn’t promise anything.

It’s hard to feel appreciated or like me and my life matter when I feel like I’m now the doormat / catch-all for everyone else’s schedule. When all of my mental and emotional energy is going into reassuring myself that things will be ok, the thought of having to go make food or even heat something up in the microwave feels… I don’t know… not worth it? It’s easier to stay in bed and sleep through the hunger. When I wake up maybe I’ll feel better enough to care about food AND to do something about it.

So… That’s sort of where I am right now. I think I know a few things to fix at least the physical side of the imbalance, but I don’t really have anything that can fix what I feel is causing the issue, other than maybe not giving a fuck about my schedule but I’m not sure if I can do that. Not caring about my schedule means I don’t care about the gym and the dojo, and I do care about those things and I’m worried that they’re being threatened by work and I have no reassurance that they won’t be.

It sucks.

On a more positive note… My Concur report from work was approved for the whole amount and has been deposited into my account. So now the only thing left on my to-do list as far as paychecks go is to make sure they fix the fuck up they made while trying to fix my missing 15 hours. I’ll find out tomorrow if that was resolved.

While I was on the phone with People Services I asked about my back pay for my CCHT. They’ve back paid it as far as they’re going to. The week and a half that’s missing was in the middle of a pay period and they’re not going to retro back to it. That sucks, too, since that’s not how I was told it works, but at least they back paid anything at all. I think this is one of those moments that it doesn’t matter what I want or what I was told or what I think is right. They’re a company and they’re going to play by their rules and I can either waste energy into feeling something over it, or move on with my life because it’s a battle I’m never going to win.

I started looking at things on Indeed last night. Job postings and such. There were some things I was qualified for. Normal hours. $14 an hour.

It would be better if I had my phlebotomy certification or my CNA. I don’t though. I took the classes and never went through all the way to get my national certifications. I have my EKG, but there aren’t postings for that. So… I can look at taking another class to get those things, which would be hard to do with work about to become inconsistent. I could tough it out for a bit at work, save up money, pay down the credit card, then put in a two-week notice and do the courses over again and try to find a new job, all while maybe or maybe not having the dojo…

I don’t know. It all seems messy right now. At least I have a year and a half of dialysis going for me. And the 10+ years of customer service.

There wasn’t much in the way of teaching positions. Or tutoring. Nothing CG related in the area. I could try to see what freelance is out there, but that would be a lot of digging and hunting on my part and I don’t know if I would want to do that constantly.

Blarg.

Ox should be home soon. It’s already 5 pm. I have work tomorrow. Then one of my now numbered double day weekends. The kids will be here starting Monday. I’m back to wondering if I should get an extended stay in Beatrice.

Things aren’t bad. They’re just different than how I want them to be and I’m not doing myself any favors with how I’m coping.

Oh… One happy moment. I got to show one of my patients some of the pictures from during my race. My name is now Mud Monster at the clinic. Warm fuzzy feelings. :3