It’s been a week, to the day, since I’ve written. I want to recap as much as I can remember because I need to remember this week. The ups, the downs. The accomplishments along with the moments of sadness and darkness that I was helped through.
March 27th – Tuesday
I had this day off last week. It was the day I wrote. It was the day I was annoyed with Warren his text message.
I felt better after writing. I messaged Ox before getting in the shower since it was close to his break time. He said he was going to be doing lunch with the guys and for me to go ahead and do my thing, so I did.
I showered which continued to help me feel good. I did go to the gym, working through the nervousness and anxiety I had at the thought of being there. I ended up using the “quick fit” room upstairs. It’s the first time I’ve been back upstairs since the yoga class I took almost a month ago.
There was no one else in the room. I got on one of the ellipticals and did that for a little bit to warm up then moved to the machines that are in the room. They’re all bodyweight type machines. The harder you push or pull the more resistance there is. It wasn’t a super intense workout, but I enjoyed it. They have weighted bars in the room so I did a few exercises with those. I also used the exercise balls they had to do “jack-knives”, an exercise L would have me do sometimes during our core circuits.
I was going through everything a second time when I got a phone call from Jon. I decided that was my cue to stop. It was his birthday so I wasn’t going to skip his call and I knew I wouldn’t be in the same mindset to keep going after talking with him. It was a good conversation. He wanted me to proofread an essay for his class if I had time to. I told him to email me a link to the document. Once I was done grocery shopping and was at home I would take a look at it and we could chat about it later in the evening.
I got to tell him a happy birthday.
I’m close to having my “new member” card filled out at the YMCA. I only need one more trip in to get my free t-shirt. I know I’m thinking about it wrong, but it’s sort of sad to me. In two months I’ve only been to the gym nine times. One of those times was to swim in the pool with Ox’s daughter so I don’t even know if that should really count.
Instead of being down on myself I should look at it positively. I could not have gone to the gym at all. I could have stayed home all of those times and done nothing. It doesn’t count the workout I did at 9 Round or my five-mile bike ride. It doesn’t account for the facts of my move and settling in, or the times it snowed and was icky outside. It doesn’t account for the days of grief as mom’s death day draws closer.
It’s always easy to look at what hasn’t been done. What is missing or lacking or can be improved on. It’s harder to step back and look at what DID get done.
I’ve gone to the gym 9 times. That’s nine more times than some people. That doesn’t make me feel like a bawce. It doesn’t give me a feeling of pride or accomplishment, but it does let me know that I’m still trying, sort of like when you try to start up a weed-wacker or lawnmower. it’s like those first pulls where the machine rumbles and sputters, trying to start, but not quite getting there. I feel like that’s what all these past two months have been. I’m trying. I’m getting closer, but I’m still not mentally where I need to be to keep going, to stay started.
Yes, I could be doing “better”. But I could also be doing worse. I could be doing nothing at all. I would rather give myself a small pat on the back for the effort of trying rather than bashing myself and making it seem like my effort isn’t good enough. I know that area of my life is in a sort of fragile state right now, and negative self-talk has never helped in the past so I’m trying to refrain from letting it seep into my thoughts now.
After the gym, I went to the grocery store with the money Ox had left for me. I decided against buying what I needed for my zoodle recipe. There were leftover enchiladas that needed to be eaten, so I got extra lettuce and salsa to go with it. I got a few Bang energy drinks since they are bright moments in my day. I got instant coffee packs for my lunch box along with mini Dove chocolates. There was a bag of dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt. They’ve been amazing so far. My chocolate piece is something I look forward to at the end of my lunch breaks.
I also got eggs and milk for the house. Ox had asked me to pick up mayonnaise for him, too, which made me feel better. I got to get things to make other people’s lives easier. By getting the eggs and milk Mama Ox didn’t have to go out. I got something Ox needed for his lunch box. I also picked him up a bag of Buffalo Ranch Doritos since he likes those and I wanted him to have something as a thank you for giving me money in the first place.
All in all, I stayed under the $40 he gave me, but not by much.
I wasn’t a fan of the store I went to. It was the closest one to the gym which seemed convenient at the time, but I wasn’t as comfortable there. The parking lot was more crowded, as was the store itself. I’m still figuring out things that I like and dislike about the area. Just like in Orlando, I had preferences and “my stores”. I’m finding them here in Nebraska.
If I had to, I could go back to that particular location to do grocery shopping again, but if I have a choice and am on my own, I most likely will drive the extra few miles to go to the one I like more.
When I got home I put the groceries away, meal prepped, and continued with laundry. Jon and I did talk about his essay and then proceeded to continue talking about nothing important. It was a nice conversation and I’m glad he and I were able to talk as much as we did.
March 28th – Wednesday
I worked that day. It was super foggy on the way into work but I made it there fine. I got a text message from Big Bad saying happy hump day and wishing me well at work. Ox overslept and ended up being a bit late for work. Before leaving to head home I had to put the clinic’s CWP into its disinfect cycle. I also had to replace the container of Minncare, the chemical used for the disinfectant, since it was low. It’s not hard, but it’s the first time I’ve had to do anything with the CWP other than read the numbers on the display screen, so I was glad to have had the opportunity to do everything while being supervised. It means I’ll be ok not only initiating the disinfect cycle but replacing the Minncare on my own next time.
That’s about all I can remember about Wednesday day, though.
*takes a short cigarette break*
After consulting with Ox I remember a few more details about Wednesday.
That was the day Ox came home with a small packet of zucchini noodles for me from the store. That means Wednesday was also the day he brought home body wash for us since we were almost out. I had been unable to find what we wanted at the store I had gone to on Tuesday.
But yeah… neither of us can remember anything overly specific about that day. I guess that means we’ll put a dash on the “routine” side of the scoreboard for Wednesday and there’s a small measure of comfort in being able to do that. I wasn’t overly sad on Wednesday. Work wasn’t insane or crazy stressful. I didn’t have issues sleeping that night or the night before.
It was a regular day and I’m glad I can still have those.
March 29th – Thursday
Thursday was the first day I took the clinic’s CWP out of its disinfect cycle. The main RN was there to watch me do it, just like she had been there to watch me put it into disinfect. It’s another fairly easy process, one which I’ll be comfortable doing on my own next time, which will be this Thursday when I go back to work.
It was a short day consisting of only one shift of patients. As I was driving home I decided to go to the gym. I ran on the treadmill, making it through all of my run intervals and finally getting back over the one-mile mark. I didn’t feel dead at the end of it. I actually felt pretty good. There was no breaking of records or anything, but I’m happy with the progress I’ve made since the first time I went to the gym here in Nebraska.
In just a handful of runs, I’ve gone from not being able to complete even half of my intervals to getting through a full run and still having it in me to do more, which I did.
Thursday was the first day where I got on the machines and tested where I was at weight wise. Again, no record breaking since it was more about getting comfortable with the machines themselves and seeing how far I had regressed, but it was nice to stretch out into that territory of newness.
I’m happy that it seems like I haven’t slipped that much in regards to the weight I can handle. I’m more comfortable with the idea of going back to the gym and getting back on the machines and actually doing a “leg day” or “arm day” routine where I do push myself. I’ve been on the machines once. I’ve set the weights. I’ve moved the seats and bars into proper positions. I’ve toed the waters and gone through the initial, “oh god, I look like a noob and everyone is staring at me as I look incompetent, starting and stopping and adjusting and starting only to stop and adjust again, why couldn’t I have just gotten it right the first time >.<; ” so next time it can be all business and badassery.
Me: What’s that, Life? You thought you could stop me? Oh. Don’t mind me while I crush you into the ground.
I did go to the store after the gym, but for the life of me, I can’t remember why or what I go. I just know from going through my text messages that I did… Guess it was another moment of routine-non-memorableness.
Thursday was a particular sexy day on the relationship side of things. And I won’t go into details on that other than to say I have absolutely no complaints.
March 30th – Friday
Work was crazy, but even with all the hiccups, it wasn’t as bad as a normal day in Orlando. I had to switch out one of the machines because the new RN and I couldn’t figure out the alarm message it was giving. Biomed said they would take a look at it the next time they were at our clinic.
Friday was also payday. The day I had been holding my breath for. So imagine how not ok I was when I ended up being short 20 hours…
Yeah… what the actual fuck?
I knew I was going to be short at least eight by not going to work the previous Saturday, but 20? What the hell?
Once all of the patients were on the machines I took a look at my paystub and realized that the 15th, the day after my certification exam, I wasn’t clocked for any hours even though I know I was at the clinic that day because everyone asked me how I did on the exam.
And this is where it gets a bit confusing talking about people who have yet to be given code names, because at the moment I have three FAs.
I have my old FA in Orlando. I have the FA who has handled all of my stuff so far and who is technically in charge of my clinic. And then there is who will eventually be my FA, who is still in training.
So, the main FA, the one I have been working the most with, was actually at the clinic on Friday which made it easy to talk to her about my paycheck. She corrected the missing hours and I’ll be getting a separate check mailed to the clinic for my missing pay. So that’s nice. Even though I would have liked to have had the money now, at least I’m getting it.
I talked to her more about the reimbursement for my tests and fees which apparently there’s something else I need to do to actually get that money. It’s not like the company adds it to a check or something. No. I have to go into a program and request to be reimbursed and provide proof of having spent the money and shit.
Firstly, I’m glad I kept copies of that stuff.
Secondly, why didn’t anyone tell me that I had to do this like… a month ago… I would have fucking done it already. Arg. >.<;
At least I know what I need to do to finally get that money.
I also found out that since Beatrice is my home clinic, any time I work elsewhere I can get travel compensation which would be roughly $30. Not that I’m scheduled to work elsewhere during this month’s schedule, nor do I want to in the future, but it’s nice to know it’s there and how I can get it in the future.
I was also told that there’s a program here in Nebraska called The Step Up Program. It’s basically a way to decrease the wage gap for technicians. My FA said she will look into that for me since I meet all of the criteria for the 12-month increase. So I may be getting another boost in the near future, not that I’ve gotten either of the two I’ve already earned yet, at least not on this paycheck.
My FA said for me to keep an eye on it. If it doesn’t post on this next check she’ll look into seeing if there’s an issue. She also assured me that I would be retro-paid from the day I earned my certification and for the day my yearly review was marked as complete.
While we were talking, which, yes, we did talk for a while, she asked if I had completed some training she had wanted me to look into. I told her that I hadn’t. I guess it was sort of a big deal that needed to get done before the end of the month. Keep in mind this conversation was happening on the 30th… you know… the day before the end of the month…
I asked my FA if I wasn’t able to get to it during the day if she wanted me to stay after work to do it. She said she would rather I come in on Saturday, which I wasn’t super jazzed about, but I figured it wouldn’t be all that bad. I could still have the morning to myself and I wouldn’t be working the floor. It was only two courses, and it would be overtime.
I said I would come in Saturday and then went back to tackling the day.
I took a moment to message Warren since I hadn’t heard anything back from him. Ox and I drank that night since we wanted to. Nothing major, just enough to unwind. He bought me a bottle of black cherry spiced rum. It’s tasty. : 3
March 31st – Saturday
I woke up and had a leisurely morning. I was getting ready to go to work when I got a text message from the tech working at my clinic. Her kid was sick and she wanted to know if I could cover the remainder of the day for her. I said that I had to come into work to do computer stuff anyway, so yeah, I would cover for her.
It really didn’t change much about my day other than how much overtime I’ll be getting. And all I had to do was take patients off the machines since everyone was already on by the time I got there. I got to make sure the clinic was set up the way I wanted for Monday. All Is dotted. All Ts crossed. All pens put back away in their drawer. All setups out with two hemostats and tourniquets for the patients with fistulas. It was a nice feeling.
I didn’t get a chance to start on my computer work until after the day was over, which I was ok with. I was left alone, by myself, at the clinic so I could listen to my music and work uninterrupted. I got through a lot of training actually, not just the two that needed to get done before the end of the month. My old FA had assigned me a test in regards to my annual review. That took the longest since it was a 75 question test.
I called it quits around 12:30. I made it home shortly after that. Ox and I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up the laundry room, which looks completely different now that the old weight machine that was in there is gone. We actually got rid of a bunch of stuff and organized the rest of it. I still need to go through the cabinet out there along with the piles of stuff on top of the freeze and cabinet, but that’s all stuff I should be able to do relatively on my own. I’ll at least be able to make a box of “go through this” for the things I’m not sure about.
It was an extremely productive day which continued into the evening.
Ox and I went into town for dinner. On the way, we stopped at Home Depot since I had found a shelving unit online that I liked and wanted to get for the clinic. They didn’t have it in stock though, which was a little disappointing. I didn’t want to wait two weeks for it to be shipped to me either.
Ox suggested going to another store in the area. I’m glad we did. I was able to get the socks I wanted for work along with a shelving unit that I liked more than the one I had seen on the Home Depot website and it was significantly cheaper. And I can add that to my list of things to put in my report for what I need to be reimbursed for. Woo.
And actually, Ox is the one who bought my socks. Warm fuzzy feelings. <3
We tried going to dinner at a wing place I’ve been wanting to try, but they were super busy and noisy. We decided to try the Italian buffet we’ve been to before. If they were busy we would figure out something to take home instead.
The buffet was passable as far as the noise and crowdedness levels went. It was a pretty decent outing and I’m glad we went. The people behind me were playing Magic the Gathering which made me smile.
I did happen to see one of my coworkers while we were at dinner; my preceptor to boot. Out of all of the days to run into someone and out of the roughly 10 people in all of Nebraska that I know, I had to see her and her family on the one day I’m doing date night… for serious, Universe?
In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad. We nodded at each other and left it at that, neither of us wanting to bring work into our non-work lives I guess.
Ox and I had drinks again when we got home.
It was a pretty awesome day and I’m glad I got to experience it.
So… that’s a lot of writing and I’m pretty much done for now. I’ll catch up on the rest of everything tomorrow. I’m glad I’m ending with memories of my good day. Today itself has been mostly rough, so remembering how awesome Saturday was makes me feel better.