So I guess this is where I try to start getting back into my routines. Maybe it’s a little early for that since I’m still in Texas. It’s night time though. I don’t have much else to do other than to write and to go to sleep. It reminds me of the time I lived with Joshua. My life may be going back to that pretty soon, or at least something similar.

 

I guess since I recapped Colorado I should recap Vegas.

 

It was good to see my older brother. It was good to see my sister in law and my nephew. It was good to go out to dinner and a movie with Jason. We went hiking while I was there. We were supposed to go for a six mile moderate hike. Instead we got lost and ended up doing a three mile difficult trail. I was pretty done by the time we got back to the truck. At least I remembered to put sunscreen on this time. My sun poisoning appreciated it. I’m still peeling from Colorado…

 

While we were hiking Jason and I actually started talking about mom. Not just legal talking about the estate. Emotional talking. He asked how I was doing. I said I had good days and then I had really shitty hard days. I asked how he was doing. He said about the same.

 

We talked about Jon. We talked about dad. We talked about his marriage. We talked about pretty much everything. It was hard to talk through parts of it. It was hard to not choke on the words I wanted to say. It was hard to hear some of his. Jason and I have always gotten along fairly well though. We even talked about the one time he snipped at me and how even though I understood why he had been frustrated with me that it had still hurt and I always worried about it.

 

When I get back to Orlando and set up the PS4 I got from Nicole we’re going to try to do game nights every other week or so. I told him it would mean a lot to me for us to have something like that. I told him how with Jon being angry at me that I was worried about our family falling apart and losing each other.

 

He asked me to come out for Christmas. It wasn’t just Lio wanting me to be there. Jason wants me there too. He said no matter what I’m always welcome at any time. That meant a lot to me too.

 

Jason drove me to the airport for my flight out to Texas. He walked with me up to TSA. He always does. He doesn’t just drop me off, he waits to make sure I make it through TSA ok. It’s one of the things I can always count on, not having to navigate the airport on my own.

 

Before I left to get in line I told him that there was a quote from Word Porn on Facebook. It said, “So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great.” I told him that I appreciated him and everything he’s done for me so far and that he’s doing great. We’re both awkward when it comes to the emotional stuff, but I needed him to know that he really is doing good even if it doesn’t feel like it because I know he doubts himself and he worries, just like I do.

Vegas was the hardest part of my trip so far. I think it’s going to be hard when I spend time alone with Allison’s mom because I think she’s going to ask the really deep questions that no one wants to ask when we’re in a group. I’ve cried most nights during my trip so I don’t know why there’s this urge to be with Mrs. Tina so I can cry more. Maybe it’s because she’s like my second mom. Maybe it’s because I really want a “mom” hug and she’s really the only parental figure so might be able to pull it off. I know it was hard getting a hug from her the other night when we all went out to dinner. She’s a “safe” person who I think would understand, even though I’m not sure how she really could because her mom is still alive. And it’s shit like that which makes it seem so unfair.

 

I’m 27, almost 28 and I’m having to face this hardship. There are people twice my age who will still have their parents for years. There are people half my age who have already lost their parents. There are people who never knew their parents. There are abusive parents, there are neglectful parents.

 

Why does it all have to be so exhaustingly complicated?

 

Warren #1 might be moving in with me into the new apartment. Amber called the engagement off. There’s a lot more that goes into his situation, but basically since I have a two bed two bath apartment that I wouldn’t mind having help financing, and we both want to “be alone but not alone” at the moment, we’re going to try to give it a shot. We both have voiced our concerns and fears. We both know our expectations from roommates. I think we can make it work. I don’t have a rose tinted fantasy about the situation. He’s taken a lot of my calls where I cry and confess to not knowing how to breathe. He helps me through the pain of mom not being here anymore, and I’ve helped him through the pain of Amber. We understand how we’re both wounded, and we know how to help each other through it. I think it’s a good situation for right now. For both of us to get back on our feet.

 

The universe seems to be doing a lot to line everything up, so until it seems like the wrong thing we’re both going to go with it.

 

I had the realization in Vegas that December is going to be really hard for me. I knew I would have a birthday, but I hadn’t gotten to the point where I had the conscious thought that I would have a birthday without mom. My first one.

 

Really, it’s the first birthday out of any of us. Jon had his birthday while mom was in the hospital, which sucked, but she was there. I had gone out and gotten those string together letters and we made a sign for him, and I got cards for everyone to sign. I even got him a pin that said birthday boy and said it was from mom because even though she couldn’t go out and get him anything I knew she would have wanted to. She wanted him to have a good day.

 

And he did, I think. I took him out for dinner and we went to a card shop and got Magic the Gathering cards. It was a shitty situation but we did the best we could.

 

Mom won’t be here, and typing that makes my chest tight. It makes me feel alone. Like I’m missing something. Which makes me feel like I’m disrespecting the spiritual connection I do have.

 

Mom won’t physically be here. And typing that seems more accurate, but doesn’t make it any less painful or crappy feeling. I still struggle with feeling selfish. There are so many other problems in the world. So many other things that are horribly wrong, and here I am making it seem like my life is awful when really it isn’t all that bad.

 

I’m traveling. I’m not having to worry about work. I have food. I have cloths. I have a place to stay. I have my cat. I have friends who love me.

 

My mom is dead.

 

It’s like cold ice water. It’s like iron snapping. It’s sudden, abrupt. It’s a shock to the system that can’t be circumvented or mitigated. Nothing can lessen the impact. Nothing can change it.

 

It happened. It’s a fact. And it makes everything seem so small and trivial and pointless. Yes, I have these things. I would give everything, literally, everything to be able to change that one fact.

 

I can’t though. No one can.

 

I don’t feel like writing more. I will come to terms with December, but tonight is not that night.