Written Sunday morning.
Posted now because I was sans Interwebz.
I was supposed to try to write last night, but we see how well that worked out. Friday night was sort of rough. I didn’t go to sleep until around 6am for whatever reason. I had a can of soda, which might have factored into it. Mt. Dew brought back Pitch Black. No regrets.
So yeah, I stayed up all night gaming. I found Magic Duels on Xbox, which for those who have no idea what that is, it’s Magic the Gathering on a consol. I’ve played through all of the Origins campaign. It was fun and I really like the stories for some of the Plainswalkers. I wasn’t into Magic while those guys were really popular so I never picked up on storylines for them. Magic Duels has you go through their backgrounds to unlock new levels and earn coins so you can buy cards.
Overall it’s pretty nifty. The only thing I dislike about the game is you can’t play on Mac OS, or Playstation. At least not yet. While there’s no plan to fix the Mac issue, Playstation 4 will be getting Magic Duels later in the year. So I may stick with my plan to get a PS4 once I’m back in Vegas. It would be pretty awesome if I could get some of my friends into the game so we could play matches together. It might be a way to feel less alone when I move away from everyone.
So yeah. I spent way too much time the other night gaming away. Like I said, 6am. When I looked at my phone to see the time I was like, “There’s no way that’s right. My phone froze or something…” 30 minutes later when the sun started rising I realized that no, my phone was right and there wasn’t much I could do about it other than try to sleep for a few hours.
Zane called me around 11 to talk about the phone payment. He wasn’t able to get into the website so I had to give him some information about it. It’s paid. Yay. One thing I don’t have to worry about any longer. Still need to be unlazy and figure out what needs to happen to get on my own phone plan.
I ended up hanging out with him for a few hours. We went to Pita Pit for lunch. The food was surprisingly amazing. I guess it was exactly what I didn’t know I wanted. We spent some time there, eating, talking. We didn’t touch on anything deep and it was a little tense if I’m honest. We were both worrying that it would be a bad meeting. But it wasn’t and the longer we sat the more we both relaxed.
After eating we went back to the apartment where we did have the deep conversation. I told him how I felt betrayed and lied to and why I felt that way. I said that if he and I were a physical object, like, if there was something to represent our interactions as humans, that it would be a china plate. A plate that had been thrown onto the ground and shattered into millions of jagged pieces, and that I didn’t know where to start with cleaning it up, or what to do it with. It was such a pretty plate and there was no reason for it to have been broken.
He said he understood. He said he felt lied to and betrayed as well, and in relation to the plate analogy he said he felt like it falling to the ground was more of an accident rather than an intentionally action. He hadn’t meant to hurt me or violate what I felt was a safe space.
My friend sent me this meme the other day and it pretty much sums up my feelings about his feelings, which may be rude and inconsiderate of me, but yeah… zero fucks.
I had sex with Zane before going to work. Not even going to feel bad about it. We both agreed that it was something we both wanted and that it didn’t fix anything between us. It wasn’t a band-aid or a cure-all. It didn’t change anything between him and Sara, and it doesn’t change or mitigate my feelings of betrayal.
It felt good, which was the whole point. It wasn’t about feeling loved or getting back together. It was, “I haven’t had the type of release I want in months. Get on the bed, pull my hair, and I swear if you say anything stupid to mess this up I’m going to destroy your world.”
Yeah… pretty primal and carnal, and I’m not letting the little evil voice in my head give me shit for it. I feel better. I’m not obsessing over sex or my lack of it. I can think of other things with a clear mind. It’s nice. I should be good for a while. And if this is what it’s like to “use” people then at least we’re mutually using each other and I’m not potentially emotionally harming someone.
Maybe this is me justify and rationalizing my actions. Or possibly over analyzing things because I like to do that. I’m not depressed today, so in my head it wasn’t a bad thing.
Last night was pretty good. I went to work which was uneventful. I found out that there weren’t a bunch of people at home, so I didn’t have anxiety over going back. I know Sir is most likely going to read this and feel bad, which makes me not want to write about it, but it’s a tangent my brain needs to follow.
It’s not my home. I don’t have a right to say, “Don’t have people over,” especially if it’s his son. I’m not in a spot to really want to be social with people though, and the thought of having to is an instant drain. Not like it was before where I could maybe work through it and just be tired.
It’s almost a physical pain inside my chest sometimes. Last night I thought there were going to be at least two people over when I got home, which made it hard to want to be there. But there wasn’t. It was just Sir and me and it was actually a really nice night.
I stopped and got gas for the car, picked up Key Lime rum from the store so I could have a drink when I got home, and stopped at Publix for some food so I could have some stuff of my own in the fridge.
When I got home Sir and I watched Batman Under the Red Hood and then started watching Son of Batman. It was a Batman night, and it was a lot of fun. I ended up going to sleep around midnight-ish? Maybe it was closer to 11. I don’t remember. I do remember that I slept the whole night, deeply, soundly. I woke up around 5am for no reason that I can remember but went back to sleep until around 10.
Right now I’m doing laundry. It should be about ready to switch to the drier actually. After I finish up here I need to run to Walmart. My clothes have been stacked on the floor since I’ve gotten back to Orlando. Scarlet takes that to mean she has her own personal cat bed, so all of my clothes are constantly covered in fur. I plan to fix that by buying some sort of plastic storage container. One with drawers so I can keep things at least sort of organized. It will also give me a place to put my wallet and keys so I can stop misplacing them and having to spend five minutes everyday trying gather up my stuff before leaving for work.
I’m going to be cooking green curry for dinner tonight. Woo. I also want to clean up my room and bathroom a bit. You know, take the trash out, vacuum. Normal weekend chore type things since I have the day to myself for the most part. No real obligations.
Today is most likely going to be a busy day because of that. I need to meet up with the chick from months ago. The one who sold me the bookcases while I was at the storage unit emptying it out on my own since Zane didn’t want to help me that day. With everything that has been going on I never got to give her the $100 for the bookcases. So yeah, we may be meeting at Starbucks later this afternoon. I’m hoping to worm my way out of a long social interaction. I’m not up for talking for hours.
Clavan’s gift is done, so I can pick up that while I’m out and about.
I doubt I wrote about it. I only got paid $150 last week. Clavan gave me a personal check to cover the missing income saying that I didn’t have to pay it back. Of course I’m going to. And it’s just another example of how I have an amazing boss. I’m going to miss him so much when I leave. And not just because he gave me money to help me get through these two weeks. I’m going to miss him because he legitimately cares and DOES things to prove it. It’s more than just talk. His actions prove beyond a doubt that he wants to help people.
The insurance check was mailed to Jason. He’s mailing it out to me so I should have it this coming week. Once it comes in I plan to see about opening an account with Navy Federal and getting away from Bank of Fail. I’ll be able to pay off the credit card, close the accounts, and pay Clavan back. Past that it would be paying the rest of this year’s rent for mom’s place and then sectioning everything out into savings accounts.
I’ve been looking into classes for becoming a CNA when I get back to Vegas. I think I’ll still take some months to do my own thing, but I know eventually I’m going to go crazy if I don’t have some sort of work to entertain myself with. Being a nursing assistant sounds more meaningful than bar tending.
I don’t know. It’s just a thought. Every so often I find myself thinking about what I want to do with my life. What would give me a sense of purpose? After losing mom doing anything that doesn’t help people seems hallow and empty. Though helping people drown out their worries is helping in a way, right?
I haven’t figured it out yet, and I’m not worried about figuring it out for a while. There are still days and hours where it feels so pointless and heavy. But there have been a lot of moments where I’m surrounded by so much love and support, and I find myself remembering my new mantra, “Different doesn’t mean bad.”
I still don’t have my tattoo, but that’s because the artist and I are working together to come up with something awesome. The sun design I wanted to get wouldn’t work very well for my chest because straight lines and curvy areas don’t play nicely together. Lame.
Instead I’m going to be getting claw marks over my heart. The kanji for strength will be visible through the claw marks. At least that’s the new direction I’m going in. I like the way the design feels inside of my head, and it works well with the pieces of armor I want to get later.
So yeah. That’s about it. Going to go back to being a creeper and people watching. : D