I have been so moved by the people in my life, and the random strangers who do absolutely nothing special, but have helped make this situation so much easier for me just by being themselves.
We weren’t sure if my mom had set up an auto bill pay for her rent, so I had to contact the landlord to figure it out. She was extremely kind and assured me there would be no late fee if it wasn’t set up. We would wait to see if it paid itself, otherwise she would contact us and we could figure it out then.
The nurses have been beyond patient with me, answering all of my questions no matter how simple or silly they seem. When I need new sponge swabs for mom they bring them to me, even if they’re not my mom’s assigned nurse. Every time they say something about my mom looking better, doing better, it’s a small handhold that I cling to on the cliff-face that I’m climbing.
The server we had when my younger brother and I went out to celebrate his birthday last night was so nice. He most likely wasn’t doing anything special, nothing he doesn’t do for all his tables. He didn’t know our mom was in the hospital or that we were going through anything super heavy. But he smiled and joked with us, and helped make John’s birthday that much nicer.
The cashiers I’ve had when I have gone to the grocery store also most likely aren’t doing anything aside from their job, but their genuine kindness and wishing me a good day has made it seem less overwhelming.
All of the amazing support from my friends, my mom’s friends, my brother’s friends, other family members… I wouldn’t have made it through these past few days without them. My mom’s best friend has quickly turned into my mentor and one of a handful of confidants that I feel I am able to turn to.
Mother Earth has been the ground beneath my feet, letting me know that I’m not free falling.
Sirrandius’ messages of checking in and hoping that I am doing better brighten my day even if I’m not able to respond, or forget to with everything that happens during the days.
The guy at the Taco Bell drive-thru that I almost didn’t stop at because I didn’t know if I would be able to keep food down… “No rush, take your time.” Again, such a small comment that any other day I wouldn’t think twice about helped to alleviate my almost overwhelming anxiety. The thoughts of, “I have no idea what I want and there are people behind me and they’re going to get annoyed with me, and is it really worth going through this just to eat? Is it worth eating when my mom can’t?” All of it gone because he took away the pressure. No rush. Take as much time as you need. There is no pressure in this one area of your life. There’s nothing here to worry about.
And as he passed my food to me, his one word with a true smile. “Enjoy.” Remember to take pleasure in the small things that you have. Enjoy the food. Take time to actually taste it and experience it rather than mindlessly going through motions. Live life still.
Maybe I read way too much into things, but every small interaction I have with anyone has made me so grateful for the kindness I am shown. The support, the warmth, the compassion even though most people have no idea about this side of my life. It’s not like I go around with a neon sign saying, “My mom almost died and is still in the hospital and I don’t know if she has terminal cancer yet.”
No. I smile a smile which most likely doesn’t reach my eyes. I keep going. I buy groceries. I make to-do lists. I breakdown in my mom’s car as I drive to places. I worry and fret, and prolong going to sleep as long as my body will let me because I’m worried about not waking up to a phone call.
But every comment I get saying that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m doing great and helping to support the family… Every comment of how my mom would be proud of me… it validates a part of me. It makes it easier to keep going, keep fighting. Every small act of kindness helps me feel like I’m not alone and it means the world to me.
So, thank you, to every person I’ll never be able to thank. Thank you for being you.
I encourage you to go out and smile at someone. Do something nice. Hold open a door for someone. Wish someone a good day. Some small, free act of kindness and compassion. We never know what another person is going through. Your one moment of kindness could make an entire world of difference. I know it has for me, and I’ll always go forward from this situation with that in mind.
Love your fellow human.
Every interaction feels so pronounced when you’re in crisis. Everything is personal. Everything is taken to heart. It’s like living as a raw nerve. I remember someone putting a hand on my arm while they were speaking to me in during one of those times in my life. I had to fight the tears, I was so affected. Simple, unconditional kindness speaks loudly in those times. I am so glad that those people are around you right now, giving you a measure of comfort and peace. My prayers are still with you. You’ve been on my mind daily since I read your first post. Love to you and yours, dear friend.
Your comment of “living as a raw nerve” is exactly what it feels like. If feels as if my skin is inside out, or that I have no skin. Any touch, physical or emotional, is so much more intense. So much more than what it is normally. I’m so much more aware of everything and everyone around me.
The random text messages I get from people checking in on me, the Facebook stickers when we update about my mom’s status, the offer to cook dinner, they all mean so much more to me than the would have a week ago.
When my mom’s friend said my mom would be proud of me I almost lost it. All I ever want is to do well and to make my family proud of me. I might have an unhealthy obsession with that goal to be honest. But at that moment I needed to hear those words. I needed to know that what I was doing was right, and enough, and that my mom would have been proud rather than disappointed because I wasn’t doing more.
I have people helping me to keep a clear perspective, and that’s what I need. I need people to tell me how things really are whenever the evil voices start piping up. It’s so easy to let things spiral out of control inside of my head when I’m alone. I’m proud that I haven’t let that happen yet. Every time it starts I actually reach out to one of the people I trust and I ask for them to help me fight it. They let me talk through the emotions and give me different perspectives.
Sorry to ramble so much in my response to you. I guess long story short, I do have an amazing support group around me. My family is extremely lucky to be loved and cared for by so many people. And I feel extremely fortunate that I have you as one of the people I can call friend. Your first message about the situation helped me a lot. The main reason I ate and drank anything at all was because I would remember your message. “Drink more water than you think you need.”
I know it may not feel like you have done much, but you truly have helped me through this situation, and no amount of words can express the gratitude I have for your kindness.
Thank you so much Mama Spike. You’re amazing and everyday I’m grateful we were able to connect.
It’s times like these that make me truly proud of humanity for its ability to touch people’s lives. Love comes out of the woodwork when it sees pain. Friends you never though you would hear from again become the voice of clarity. Family you never though you would relate to become friends for life. Things that seemed important are passively forgotten. Other things you never thought you would do suddenly become your next step. It’s so disorienting and such a shock to your life’s system that all you can do is weep. Whether it’s from loss or trauma or stress or from being over-tired. There are lots of tears. So keep a water bottle nearby and invest in a beautiful handkerchief. Life will happen whether you express yourself or not. I’m proud of you for continuing to write through this. It would be easy and true to say you’re busy. But you need the outlet. I know. I have a three-inch binder full of it.