Coffee was had. Zane and I were able to spend about an hour together this morning before I had to get ready for work. We sat in the living room where we chatted while I stitched a bit. I’ve been making a lot of progress on this most recent pattern, which is nice since it’s one of the larger ones I’ve done in a while.

I showered and headed to work which was uneventful. More stitched when I should have been arting it up, but I’m ok with that since that’s what Zane and I talked about all morning. We were brainstorming different ideas for what I should do with the playing card.

I’ve done research into the evolution of playing cards and how a regular deck of cards lines up the tarot cards and what the page of hearts means and different symbols associated with that particular card, and other symbols of love and romance along with different color associations. I have all of this information, but I didn’t really have any ideas that I wanted to work with. I want to do something unique, but all of the information I have is boring and unoriginal. Blah…

So I was talking to Zane about that. Through our conversation I figured out the piece I’m going to do. I’m going to take one of the characters from Ergo Proxy and create a portrait of him in an Art Neovou style since I feel, if the characters of the show were to be translated into playing cards, that this character would be the Jack of Hearts.

Now that I have a direction to go with I feel more on top of the assignment. Tomorrow I will work on it after taking Zane to his assessment thing at 11, and our lunch around noon. I also want to do laundry at some point.

Back to today. Lots of stitching.

There was a shooting near the school. I don’t know many details, but an officer was shot. They closed off both major roads where the shooting happened, so not only was there awful traffic due to the road closures, but it was in the middle of rush hour as well.

Instead of sitting in my car for hours trying to fight my way home I went to Crispers again, with Ari this time. I made plans to spend tomorrow evening with her playing Magic the Gathering. We talked pretty openly about it. It’s not a date. It’s supposed to just be hanging out and spending time together. I’m really hoping that’s how it stays. And at the moment there’s where I am with that. Holding my breath really.

Eventually traffic was clear enough that I figured I could get home without too much stress. I went the long way and still ended up getting snagged by some traffic, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been.

I had a card from my mom when I got home. She had emailed me a few days previous saying that I should keep my eye out for something from her. It was a card saying how she loved me and that she knew things were a little rough for me at the moment but that she was thinking of me and to basically keep my chin up.

In the card was a gift card for $100 to Publix. I curled up next to Zane and cried a little. I feel guilty for having talked to my mom. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to send me help. I know I didn’t ask for it, or even think of it. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know my mom is like me, and that she thought of this all on her own, and that it’s her way of showing that she cares.

I also know that I’m going to pay her back in some way. Because that’s how I roll. And it’s going to be something she’s totally not expecting. I just have to figure out what first.

I feel loved and thought of and I have so much respect and gratitude for my mom. I wish I could repay her for her love and support. I wish I could give her happy news more often that what I do. I wish I had something to make her feel proud about. Right now I feel like I don’t have much to show for myself. I still haven’t figured out where I can take my certification test. That would at least be something. A step in a direction, maybe not really the “right” one, but one towards bettering my skills in something.

I made the Cajun pasta for dinner tonight. I didn’t realize it needed heavy cream, so once everything was done cooking Zane and I went to the store to pick up a cup of the cream along with garlic toast to go with the dinner. We talked about the dinner I had planned with Ari. I said I was giving myself a curfew so I wouldn’t be out super late.

When we got back home I finished making the dinner by stirring in the cream and parmesan cheese. We watched Inside Out while eating. That was a pretty awesome movie. Zane is totally Joy right now, while I’m Sadness. At least that’s how it feels. He’s constantly trying to cheer me up while I’m determined to make everything blue.

But I think there’s a moral in our story. Not all sadness is bad, and sometimes you have to have that perspective to relate to people, while not all joy is annoying and frustrating and deserving of being punched in the face.

I really enjoyed the movie though I do feel it could have gone a bit deeper on some of the psychological aspects of memory and personality. Though I do have to keep in mind that this was geared more towards a younger audience. Overall, worth seeing and I recommend it from not only a CG artist, psychology buff, stand point, but from a “I just want to see a cute movie” stand point as well.

And that’s been my day so far. Not all that exciting really. I’m already pretty exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be awake. I’m hoping I’m able to sleep for the night rather than waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning.

I want to go running tomorrow, then laundry, then Zane’s appointment, then lunch, then completing the grading for my class, then working on homework. Then dinner with Ari I guess. It’s a pretty full day. At least it feels like it’s going to be full. With the heaviest thing saved for the very end.

I’m hoping it goes well. I’m hoping that I’m not being stupid. And yet there’s a part of me who knows. There’s part of me who has already analyzed everything. There’s a part of me, my Scientist, who has already crunched the numbers and knows how this is going to turn out. So really, I’m doing this to be proven right because I don’t want it to be one of those, “I wonder what would have happened,” moments.

I am going to do this and then I’ll know, one way or the other, if the dynamic is worth the stress and anxiety every time I see her car in the parking lot. Every time I happen to be caught alone in the break room.