This was the letter that I sent to Zane on Tuesday after our ‘fight’. I want to have it here, on my blog, in my journal. A little loose leaf paper tucked in-between pages, kept as a reminder, a token of something important. A defining moment which should be remembered.
I want to start this by saying I’m sorry. Firstly, sorry that I’m not going to proof read this because I don’t want to go back and change anything that I type.
Secondly, I’m sorry you feel alone. And not just because feeling alone sucks. I’m sorry because you are not the first person I have been with to tell me that they feel like we never spend time together. That I’m always busy doing my own thing. That they want things to “go back to how they were.”
It hurts to hear that. But if multiple people say the same thing, then the issue most likely is within myself, rather than within them. Or it is at least something that I need to work on finding balance with.
So for that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for feeling bad myself. I’m sorry that it seems like every time you have an issue I make it about myself and my feelings. That’s not my intention. I want to communicate with you. I want this to work.
I’m sorry that most of the times during what feels like a confrontation I shut down. You get frustrated with me, I pull away more because it doesn’t feel emotionally safe. It doesn’t feel open and inviting, and all I can think of is either getting away or staying quiet, or having the discord stop.
I don’t remember the whys. I don’t know what I feel. There’s just this overwhelming need for things to be ok. And their not. And I can’t make them better. In a way it is a very undeveloped, child-like mentality. I want to be held. I want to be told things are ok. That you aren’t upset with me. That the world isn’t falling apart because inside I feel like a failure.
I’m supposed to make you ‘happy’. Momentary pleasure. The one job I have in our dynamic. And I’m failing. I have done something, or not done something and you are displeased even though, for the most part, I try to do everything I possibly can to make sure we’re both ok.
And I guess that’s why it hurts so much when you say you’re lonely.
I’m failing.
You mention how we do not spend as much time together, and I think about how I’m constantly around people seven days out of my week, six of which are for work. I never have a personal day anymore. Aside from the few hours I play Witcher or go to the gym I do not get alone time.
Yesterday was rough because I spent all day Sunday being social. At least it felt like all day. We weren’t ok, and the thought of having to go out and pretend to be alright felt overwhelming. The thought of having to engage for a second day in a row when it felt like you had just told me that I’m not doing enough felt crushing, too heavy.
I feel like I do a lot, for you, for us. I help with character creation. I view the days we go grocery shopping as date days because we can’t afford to go out and do other things like the movies. I try to engage you with yoga, which we finally did together. I offered to get you a gym membership. I try to be intimate. I watch shows with you. I gave you the last of the play money so you could enjoy the night with your friends. I knew there wasn’t enough for two.
I am told you’re lonely, but you sleep during the time we could spend together. I wake up alone, sometimes cold. I try to be supportive of your situation, but when days go by between when you say you will complete an application it’s hard to feel like it is a priority for you. My art books are being sold for you to watch YouTube instead of Lynda tutorials.
I know that’s not all you do. And I’m sorry that in my head it’s a dark, ugly, biased picture. It feels unfair to you. And I’m sorry for that. But I think your picture is unfair to me.
Very little of the alone time I actually do get is guilt free. It hurts. It’s disheartening. It makes me question why I should try when no matter what I do, what I give, it’s never enough. It makes me want to pull away further, which will only perpetuate the problem.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.
I care for you. I want you in my life. I want to wake up next to you and have breakfast with you and joke and laugh and smile. And we have that sometimes. We have been having it more than the past weeks. Yet you said you want things to go back to how they were.
I feel like every time things start to turn around, every time we start having a good day, I get emotionally punched in the face. I’m blindsided by something. It sucks. I want to feel like I’m doing something right. I want positive reinforcement. I want hugs and kisses.
I want a routine for when I come home because I feel awkward and out of place. No one greets me at the door, no one hugs me hello. I come into the room, most of the time to you watching a show, and I feel like I’m intruding. You don’t get up to hug me. I don’t get a transition period to decompress from work to home. I feel agitated. What do I do? Do I leave you alone? Do I clean the kitchen? Are you going to get upset if I do that? Should I do my own thing? Are you going to feel like I’m ignoring you?
I want to know what is right, so I can do it. And maybe that’s the submissive in me who just wants to make people happy. I don’t know any more. That’s such a neglected and injured aspect of my personality that she might as well be a stranger.
I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m rambling. I’m worried this is going to ruin your morning. That we’ll fight and I’ll have to go to work holding myself together with duct tape and super glue.
I want to have a good day. I want to have it with you.