I wrote this yesterday but never got a chance to post.
So the whole interesting conversation that Zane and I had…
I am sitting in my chair cringing that I’m about to write this because I know so many people are going to roll their eyes in exasperation, or get upset with me, or any number of negative things because of how my past has been; because of where my choices have led me historically. Depression and heartbreak.
Zane and I are talking about having me move in to his apartment.
I’m writing this as a way to figure out the pros verses cons and to try to keep emotion out of it. I’m not writing this for advice, though outside perspective is always welcome.
I was taking Zane to work yesterday when I asked, “Is it bad that I think of your place as home?”
Because I do. I still don’t have a spot in the kitchen at my actually house, even though I’ve lived there for three months. I still don’t feel comfortable around Ashley, either. I don’t feel welcomed at my own place, but I do feel welcomed at Zane’s. And not just by him. Trevor and I chat and get along well. John is a lot like my actual brother and I had a wonderful conversation with him yesterday while cooking the Dong Po.
The apartment is warm and inviting, and I like that. His apartment actually feels like ‘home’ home, not ‘this is the place where I sleep’ home. And I didn’t know if that was good or bad. I didn’t know if that was inappropriate of me, and so I wanted to know what Zane thought about it. Is it bad? Is that me getting ahead of myself? Is that me reading too much into things? If so then maybe we really should step back and re-evaluate our dynamic.
It’s one of the main things that draws me to him, though. I feel like I belong. It feels like I can ask a question like, “Hey is it cool if I think of your place as my place, because I totally do and I don’t think that’s going to change,” and get honest feedback. A logical, thought out response, rather than an emotional blow up.
I’m actually really happy to say that there was no fear when I asked it. I was curious, had a thought, and didn’t even think, “Maybe I shouldn’t ask this.” I just did because I wanted to know his opinion and I knew he would give it to me unbiased and without dancing around.
In my head it doesn’t feel wrong to think of his place as home. And like I said, even if it was ‘wrong’ I don’t think there would be much I could do to change it. Are we still on the same page?
“No. It’s not bad.” He replied to me.
I nodded. We kept driving in silence for a bit as I chewed over that new information in my head for a bit.
I’m not sure what was said. I think he asked if I was thinking about moving in, or if I wanted to. Something along those lines. The main points were, “Move in. Do you want to?”
“Yes…” I answered. Sort of drawn out because I do, but… Long silence as my brain starts thinking and doing its own thing rather than voicing the words in a conversation.
“Yes… But…”
I know it’s really soon to be thinking of stuff like this. I mean really? I don’t even think it’s two months yet. With Jarrett I waited at least six. I didn’t wait all that long with RB, and that was mostly because I didn’t feel welcome at the apartment with Jarrett anymore. Warren sort of moved himself in. He technically lived with one of my classmates, but since we lived in the same apartment complex Warren just stayed at my place the whole time. Corey technically let me crash on his couch when my roommate at the time kicked me out when I told her I had an art test for a game studio. And the only reason I moved in with her was because Warren and I had broken up and, once again, I didn’t feel welcome in my own home. I wasn’t supposed to have stayed living with Corey, but we ended up dating, and the living situation became more permanent.
I never lived with Warren #1 or with Joe.
I moved in with Joshua because the lease ended with Mother Earth. And I left Joshua’s place because his lease ended and he’s moving to California.
Really, looking at it, a lot of my living situations have been reactionary.
And when it comes to living with a significant other it has always ended with the relationship turning toxic, and me feeling like the only way for things to get better is for me to leave. Maybe that’s running away, but it feels like the best and safest option at the time.
So actually wanting to move in with Zane after such a short time should be sending me running for the hills. And there is a part of me that’s nervous and scared, though I don’t think for the right reasons.
So Zane and I talked about it for the rest of the car ride to his work, which wasn’t all that long. Long enough to get the main points out, and for both of us to have things to think over.
We said we would talk about it more later, after some time had passed. So we talked about it this morning before I went to work. We will most likely talk about it more later tonight or tomorrow as well.
So this is what’s going on so far.
We both think it’s soon. Fast. We both agree that I already spend all of my time at the apartment anyway. I spend more in gas driving to and from his place and work to my place, so moving in would save me money in that regard, even though my adorable little Mazda 2 does amazing on gas compared to the Buick I used to have. I would be closer to school, the gym, and I would be in biking distance of the dojo. I would live across the street, literally, from the grocery store. I would be in an environment that I’m comfortable in.
I wouldn’t have my own room. Scarlet would have four other cats in her environment, which may or may not be a good thing. It depends on how they get along. I wouldn’t have to keep her locked up in a tiny room by herself. She would be near me again, rather than the quick trips home that I currently make right now.
I still wouldn’t have much room in the kitchen. I could hang my skillets, the only real things I care about, next to the stove. I could have my glass storage containers, the only other thing I really care about. We can use my mini fridge as the ‘sin fridge’ and keep all of the drinks currently taking up space in the real fridge in there. So there would be room for my foodstuffs.
I would have two other roommates, technically. John and Trevor. But really since Danielle is over all the time, Trevor’s girlfriend, it would be like having three. Since there wouldn’t be much room for my stuff, I would most likely get a storage unit. If I did that I could bring the rest of my belongs from my mom’s place to Florida with me.
I would try to keep my rent to $250. I want to offer $200 and then have cleaning the common areas as a chore or responsibility since I pretty much do that for them anyway…
Guys…
If I can make my rent cheaper than it currently is (which is pretty freaking cheap), plus reducing the amount I’m spending in gas, also reducing the amount I spend on food since meals have been half communal, then I can blast away my debt faster.
The guys can already afford the apartment without me there, so any money I contribute is instant savings for them. If I get a storage unit John and Trevor could put some of there stuff in it too, since they have a ton of art supplies and tools, which I would ask them to help pay for the unit. That would make it cheaper than just me paying for it.
At the moment I’m worried about the not having my own room thing, since that has been the bane of most of my ‘moving in’ situations. But now that I think about it, it really hasn’t been. I had my own room with Warren, and that was still an awful experience. So having my own room isn’t the answer to my relationship woes, nor is it the cause of them I don’t think.
It could be a big factor, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t think it’s the deal breaker I have turned it into. This could also be my right brain rationalizing things so it can get its way…
I’m on to you brain… >.>
Regardless of if that is really what’s going on, here’s some interesting facts about the whole ‘I need my own room’ thing.
I have stayed at my place less than five times in the past almost two months. I go back to take care of Scarlet, but I spend a vast majority of my time at the apartment. Zane and I are co-existing well together. I don’t feel drained around him. Ever. I don’t feel like I’m on this incredible relationship high either, though.
I exhale a deep, heavy sigh when he gives me a hug when I get home from work. I relax and unwind. We eat. We talk. We sit in silence. We share parts of our lives. We cuddle. When we’re tired we go to bed. Sometimes together, sometimes at different times. Sometimes I cook breakfast when I wake up, other times he will cook breakfast for me. I have my coffee, sometimes with him, sometimes alone as I make my to-do list. I go to the gym (when I can). I work on homework.
Being with him hasn’t negatively impacted my energy levels or my finances, aside from driving around more, which hasn’t really impacted me because he gives me gas money.
He helps pay for things, and actually gets annoyed if he starts feeling like I am paying too much or too often. He wants things to be fair. Not to the point where we nickel and dime things. But if I buy something, he will either help pay, or pay for something relatively equal the next time we’re out. He covers all of his own bills, and will have his own transportation soon, which is the only ‘inconvenience’ to my life that I can think of. And since he has only needed rides to work when I’m not at work, it’s really not inconvenient. In fact because I have to wake up in the morning, get dress, and go out, it sort of takes away any excuse I could make to not go to the gym.
I don’t feel like I need down time, or alone time when I’m around Zane because he doesn’t take energy to be around. He’s one of the few people I have met like that. I have emotional silence when I am around him. He’s one of the few people that I can’t feel.
More talk about energies and craziness for a moment. It really is sort of odd to say that I can’t feel Zane, because even though I can’t, I can. I can feel his presence. I know he’s there, but I don’t feel his emotions the same way I feel almost everyone else’s. His emotions aren’t invasive. They don’t overwhelm me to the point where I lose sight of what MY emotions are.
For the most part his emotions are so quiet, subtle, that I don’t have to fight to keep them out. I can stop shielding so hard like I do through the rest of my day. It’s odd. It’s refreshing. It’s interesting to be able to sit on the couch with him and to not ‘feel’ another person. In a way it’s like being alone. It’s awesome. I’m able to hang out and still get my recharge on.
There’s also the fact that I’m not moving in alone with him. It doesn’t feel intimate. It feels like I’m moving into a community, because really, I am. It feels like joining a pack rather than the marriage commitment moving in has come to represent to me. It feels like I wouldn’t be a loner anymore. I would have a pseudo-family again.
So I don’t think sharing a room will be a big deal in this instance. I don’t think this is the same type of situation as all of my previous experiences.
Maybe I’m just being wishful with my thinking. I don’t feel any red flags at the thought of moving in with Zane. I feel a lot of logic right now, and when Zane and I talk that’s what it feels like. It feels like a lot of facts and if we were to make a decision based on those facts the smart choice would be to move in.
I could end up saving more money to throw at my debt. Scarlet and I would be in a healthier environment. I would be closer to the things that are important to me.
So the actual pros and cons for this are:
Pros:
Closer to work, gym, dojo, Zane
Potential for cheaper rent
Healthier environment
Possessions are localized rather than in multiple locations
Cons:
Share a room
May have to get a storage unit
Scared of fucking shit up… again…
Neutral:
Four other cats
Three roommates
No washer and dryer at apartment
Seems fast
I honestly don’t want to ask other people for their opinions. I know everyone who knows me and my past experiences will say not to do it.
If Trevor and John are ok with it, then I’m going to move in. It’s not a ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ thing. I don’t like being at the place with Ashley, so even if John and Trevor don’t want me there, I’m going to be looking for other options, and because I’m looking I’m going to find them.
And while part of moving in with Zane does, in fact, have to do with being closer to him, a larger part of it has to do with being closer to the area I want to be in. I love Winter Park. It’s where I first lived when I moved to Florida. It’s ‘my’ home. It’s ‘my’ Publix. It’s ‘my’ 711. It’s where I want to be. It’s where I am comfortable and it’s what I picture when I think of Florida. It’s what I picture when I tell people about ‘home’.
I think I’ll be happier at the apartment. Mostly because I’m already there and I have been more balanced these past two-ish months then I have been in a while. I have been getting better in a lot of areas since September. And I’m still getting better in those areas, but now I’m adding the social section of my life back into the mix. And I think that’s a good thing.
I think the only way to know if this is good or bad or not is to try it. So I’m going to. I am going to keep thinking it over, and Zane and I will talk more, and we’ll figure it out for us. I feel like the only real reason for not moving in would be the fear of repeating past mistakes.
This is a different situation with a different person. And if fear is the only reason I have to not do something, then that’s a pretty shitty reason. I will acknowledge my past, and I will (try…) to learn from it. I refuse to be controlled by it, though.
Zane and I agreed that we’re still friends, companions, and that this isn’t a life long commitment. This isn’t moving in because we’re madly in love with each other. This is moving in because, realistically, it’s pretty stupid not to.
Without talking to John and Trevor there really isn’t much more to do. It’s all just theory at this point. We may not even be able to do it.
That’s it for now. At least it’s written and out there and I know the areas I need to chew on more.