Emotionally I am exhausted.

The tiredness has only recently caught up with me. Of course, right when I was getting ready for work since that’s how life works. It couldn’t have waited to hit once I got home, or during the four hours of alone time I carved out for myself…

Nope. Right when I’m about to have to deal with people is the perfect time. I love you too, Brain.

Today has been a day. It wasn’t bad. It had some good points. But overall I have been withdrawn and inside my head.

I wrote my last post early in the morning. I cried when I got home because of the intensity of my anger, and then was so tired that I went to sleep instead of fighting to stay awake. When I woke up the anger and hurt were still there. I had avoided my computer. I had avoided writing, and I knew that was part of the anger.

So I let the anger have its time. I bled it out through my fingertips, and now it’s no longer in me.

I don’t regret it. I feel cleaner for having written the emotions out. I feel calmer.

I was able to go back to sleep, though I turned the alarm on my phone off. At 5am I knew I wouldn’t be rested enough at 8am, which is when I had originally wanted to wake up.

I slept until 11 instead.

I had my cup of coffee without opening my computer. I didn’t make a to-do list. I sat with Scarlet and let myself feel empty. It wasn’t a bad empty. It wasn’t a hollow feeling. I’m not sure if I’m describing it right.

I didn’t feel like I had this burning pressure I was trying to contain anymore. I didn’t feel much of anything. It was nice. Emotional silence. No hurt. No pain. No anger and frustration.

It was done.

At noon I showered and headed towards school. I stopped at Publix first to see about returning the extension cord. I didn’t have the receipt any longer, so I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do anything.

The person I spoke with was super nice, and allowed me to exchange the extension cord for the type I needed. That was a huge positive in my day since I was expecting to be stuck with something I would never really use. So I suppose Publix didn’t fail me after all.

After that I met with Rhonda.

I actually spent 4 hours talking with her, which was not something I was expecting. I super enjoyed our conversation and time together. We got to talk about freelance, relationships, rigging and scripting, personality types, life goals, all sorts of things. Pretty much everything.

We parted ways around 5pm so I could contact Sam about getting the computer desks. That’s where things started straying from the plans I had envisioned.

Sam ended up falling asleep and didn’t wake up until 8:30, which was too late to take care of the computer desks. I’m still not sure what we’re going to do now about them.

While I was waiting for Sam to respond to me I had gone to the up stairs offices. I didn’t really have any plans for what I wanted to do. I wasn’t going to work on a project or anything. But it’s a safe spot on the weekends, and the solitude was really what I wanted more than productivity.

I ended up listening to Brisingr and cross-stitching. It was roughly four hours of silence and alone time. It was nice.

I didn’t want to leave my area to be honest. I wanted to stay in my little bubble, but alas I had work at 9pm.

I think having to extract myself was the reason for the emotional shift. The anger has run its course, so now the sadness has to work its way through I suppose. Though I don’t know if it’s really sadness.

Maybe sadness for the situation. For how it turned out. For the hurt on both sides.

It’s not regret. It’s not guilt. It is a heaviness, though. A weight which makes me tired. It makes breathing harder, my eyelids heavy. It makes everything seem to take so much more than it should.

I don’t think it is depression. It doesn’t feel like it. I feel as if I am ‘off’. Like, if I were a computer, I’m in the process of restarting. My mental system is shut down. No input is allowed at the moment. I’m not fully back online.

Yes I am a nerd. No I don’t feel bad about that.

So at the moment it is the end of my shift, and I am writing before going home. I have made progress in my book and on my new cross-stitch. I did not run or go to the dojo, but I think I’m ok with that.

Tomorrow I have nothing required of me. At the moment I have no list made. And for now I’m ok with that. Tomorrow morning I will have my coffee again, holding it in my hands, breathing in its scent and feeling its warmth.

Tomorrow is another day. One where my emotional system will be back online hopefully and I will have more motivation, more ability, to move forward.