Today didn’t really go how I wanted it to, and I’m not really sure how I feel about that.

At 2 in the morning I am once again tired, so that is kind of putting a haze over everything. I feel heavy. Doing anything takes more effort than I know it should. Even writing pulls on me more than it should.

But I want to write and I think that might help me figure out what I’m feeling about my day.

It started off well. Slow, but well.

I couldn’t find the gate card which I had been using while Joshua was away. I knew I had it yesterday, so I thought maybe it was in my car, and I would bring it in with me when I came back from the gym.

I ended up making my grocery list, and then head out to talk to Kari about the apartment situation with Jarrett.

I was happy to find out that he paid rent in full. Not that he told me himself. I found out from Kari while I was at the office. So that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about.

I asked Kari what would happen if Jarrett didn’t leave the apartment when the lease was up.

She said that the lease was suppose to be rented out to a new tenant on the 7^th of next month. So if Jarrett didn’t leave he would be charged double rent. $1400. Also, since I’ve scheduled the power to be turned off already, he would receive a Notice to Cure, and if the power issue wasn’t fixed he would have seven days to leave or be evicted.

All of that would go on my rental history since my name is also on the lease.

I asked her if there was any way for it to not affect me, and she said that unfortunately it would have to go on my record, that even though she knows I am a good tenant and none of this is my doing, legally she would have to.

At least I know what I’m facing. And at least I know that rent was paid in full.

After that I went to the gym and had a pretty solid work out. More biking, some rowing, and light running, with some time in the sauna at the end.

I wore the new top that I got yesterday and I really like it.

I’m still warming up to the gym bag.

After I had showered I went to the store and got the groceries I needed. Came back home and put everything away.

I still couldn’t find the gate card. And I think I might know what happened…

When I was getting out of my car yesterday I put my wallet, cell phone, notebook and I think the card, into one of the bags so I could bring everything inside in one trip.

I think I might have forgotten or not noticed the card at the bottom of the bag, and thought it was empty. I put all of the bags in the trash yesterday, and then took the trash out this morning… effectively throwing away a $50 gate card…

Good news though… I remembered the code for the gate so Joshua and I can still get in. So I don’t think we’re going to buy a new one. Which would be fantastic, but I already offered to replace it, so if Joshua wants a new one he knows I’m good for it.

I ended up meeting with Nicole at 5 for our dinner meeting. It was really nice to talk to her after being gone for so long.

We talked about freelance for a while, but it quickly turned to more personal topics like dealing with burnout, money and employers, feelings of fulfillment, stuff like that.

It was a really good conversation.

I went into work afterwards and was planning on doing most of my school work tonight for my new class. Design and Art Theory.

About 15 minutes into working I got a message from a student asking if I was on campus. I said I was, and he asked if I would mind looking over his work. He wanted a critique to make sure he wasn’t missing anything major, and to make sure he was on the right track.

I asked for about 30 minutes to wrap up what I was doing, which he was cool with. I finished up going through a few of the assignments for my class than went back down stairs to the lab he we in.

Which the whole reason I was upstairs to begin with was because when I came into work Ari was in the breakroom and I didn’t want to be there when she was. I asked her what her hours were for the month and she actually has the AM schedule. So I won’t have to worry about our paths crossing often.

Still, I didn’t want to deal with it tonight, so I went to the upstairs cubicles instead to work.

Ruben is actually doing fairly well with his rig. There were only a few, super minor issues. We talked about different systems he could add, and over all what he wanted the model to be able to do. We talked about potential animations for the character, and how his reel could be constructed.

Good stuff.

While I was going over his work Tre came in, along with Zach, for the next class.

It was so incredibly awesome to see both of them again.

Tre and I talked for a good two hours in the lab, going into super detail about our breaks, stories about our families, how I finished paying off the credit card, different stories about Warren himself, which is something for another post. Just all sorts of stuff.

We strayed to the subject of why I am still at the school. What is holding me here?

I said to answer that honestly we would need to step out of the room. I wasn’t comfortable going into those topics where several people could listen in. Zach came outside with us, which I didn’t have an issue with, because he’s another really awesome guy that I would vouch for.

Anywho, once we were outside I said that honestly, there wasn’t much keeping me here. And that I have been seriously thinking about leaving, and that my project for the next six months was creating a new reel.

I explained how it sucked making friends with people like him and Zach, super awesome dudes that I would love hanging out with, but how in the end everyone always leaves, and that losing friends like that is really hard for me. How there is really no one in Florida for me, and so yeah… The only thing keeping me here is the Digital Art and Design degree that I’m working on, and that even that wasn’t a very strong tie.

So that lead to all sorts of deep questions and more conversation.

I didn’t get back to my computer until midnight.

I got through some more school work, but honestly I didn’t get much done.

I had hoped to make a lot of progress today since I only had admin hours, but I feel like I fell really short tonight.

I didn’t have anything really due. And it was awesome catching up with everyone, and I loved the conversations. Honeslty, truly I did.

But I’m worried.

I’m worried that I’ll get to the end of the month and have nothing to show for it. I’m worried that I’ll push off my goals over and over and procrastinate because that’s easier, safer, than trying. Than failing.

There’s really nothing that I can do about today. It is over and done with. I was able to finish several activities for my class, so while I might not have done much, I did some. And I am happy that I connected with the people I did. They are friends, and I would have spent that time with them eventually anyway.

I just sort of wish I had more to show for my day. More tangible things. Maybe right now it’s just the tiredness winning out. Maybe all I need is a night of restful sleep.

Here’s to hoping.