Yesterday was pretty fantastic, while yester-evening was beyond frustrating.

I started off the day well. I went to the gym where I did the elliptical, biked, and rowed. I even tried running but my shins quickly ruled that idea out. They were still too sore.

I sat in the sauna for a while. Something I haven’t done in what seems like ages. There were other people there though, so I didn’t stay long.

I showered and dressed.

I don’t know if it’s just in my mind, but I feel like I am still losing mass. Not weight, which is annoying. The numbers haven’t changed yet. But my cloths feel like they are fitting looser.

The shorts I normally wear when working out keep slipping down and I have to pull them up.

I don’t see how I could have lost anything though over the holiday break. I was constantly eating out. And all of those coffee drinks that I had with my mom… All of those pointless calories I was taking in.

Don’t get me wrong. I regret nothing about my vacation. But I don’t see how I could feel differently when I did pretty much nothing to change.

And I hardly ran or worked out. Only maybe twice a week. Three at most. When normally I’m pushing five times a week or more.

I wish the changes would reflect on the scale. I wish when people asked me, “How much have you lost,” that I could tell them something other than, “Well… funny story… I’ve actually gained 10 pounds…”

I know logically muscle weighs more than fat. And I know that I’ve lost four pant sizes. But people always want to hear those fantastic stories of, “I lost 55 pounds in two months!” And I can’t give them that.

I’m trying to be happy with the fact that I know where I started, and I know the difference that I feel. Happy that I can see lines in my calves that have never been there. That I have Nerf guns when I flex my arms (I can’t really call them ‘guns’ since they’re not that impressive yet. BB guns is the next step : D )

Sometimes my brain is just really frustrating and it’s hard for it to be happy with anything. It’s a jerk. : /

Anywho, I felt good after the gym, regardless of what the stupid scale said. My legs were sore, but no worse for ware.

I was hungry and was thinking about what would be best to do.

I had to get stuff taken care of for work, I needed to balance my budget and do my weekly Friday chores. I needed Internet and a place where I could zone out, and I didn’t think I could get that at work. Or at home since the renovations are still going on.

So I ended up going to my favorite sports bar for lunch. They have a lunch special for 69 cent wings, dine in only. And Friday’s are normally my ‘treat’ day. So in a way it was returning to an old routine. I was just doing it for lunch instead of dinner like I normally do.

After I ordered I go to work. Headphones in, jamming to my own tunes. Lost in my own little bubble of productivity.

Since it’s the beginning of the year I needed to go through both my personal and work related email accounts and clean them out. So that required shifting through emails and figuring if there was anything that I needed or wanted to keep from last year.

That took forever >.<

I had so many work emails. I swear if they had been pieces of paper I would have killed a forest.

After that I figured out the rest of the backstitching I wanted to do for Jace’s gift.

I also figured out my budget.

After that I went to school. I wanted to scan all of the cross-stitcings I had been able to finish over the break, and Joe had a gift for me on his desk.

Well, really he had gotten everyone a gift. He had sent out an email saying they were in a box on his desk and that since all of our schedules were screwy to stop by whenever we had the chance to pick it up.

So I did. It was a little baggie of popcorn. It made me smile and feel warm that he thought to get me something. Silly maybe since I’m not going to eat it, but I liked it because he thought of me; of us.

While I had been outside I saw one of my coworkers. We ended up talking and we’re going to try doing a few projects together so we can make new reels. It might be fun. He does compositing, so we’ll see if that panes out into anything.

I finished the backstitching for the January dragon in the upstairs break room and scanned all of my images.

I waited around for the email from the scanner, but it never came. I thought it was taking a while due to the fact that I had so many images scanned, but I checked this morning and it still hasn’t shown up, so I’m going to run back to school and try again.

I want to post my pictures damnit! >.<

After that I went to the bank to withdraw the money for rent, food, and such. I’m trying to use my card less, so I withdraw the money for my food budget and try to only use cash. It actually makes it easier to stay on top of my budget.

While I was at the bank I got a message from Jarrett replying to my earlier messages about rent.

I had asked him how short rent was going to be. If it was low enough I could cover the difference so the late fee could be avoided.

His response was that rent would be short $400.

What the fuck?

$400?

That’s over half of rent.

$350 is half.

When I stated, “So I’ll have to cover over half the rent. I thought half rent was $350 per person.” That’s how we had done it before when we lived together.

He said since the other guy had the room (we had a one bedroom apartment, and Jarrett has been living in the living room), that he charged more.

I didn’t know what to say. I was furious. So angry. So frustrated. So helpless feeling.

$400 is all of my extra money. I would have nothing. Maybe $20.

I was so angry I wanted to cry.

I wouldn’t be able to pay off my credit card. I wouldn’t be able to switch the phone over. It would be another $400 I would never see again, added to the $600. I felt trapped and caged, tied down once again by someone else’s irresponsibility.

I sat in the car in the bank parking lot for a while. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to figure out something in my head. Some course of action I could take. Some way to make this situation ok.

But I couldn’t think of anything.

The only thing I could think about was how unfair it was. How through this whole situation I have been the one getting screwed and how I’m tired of it.

For once I wanted things to go the way I had been told they would. For once I wanted him to come through with what he said he would do rather than adding stress to my life.

I remember that I used to think we would be together forever, but I can’t seem to find those feelings anymore. Part of me even wonders if they had been real. They seem so faint and distant now. Dream like. How could I have loved him when this is how he acts, how he treats me?

I couldn’t shake the anger. The unjustness.

I ended up going to the park across the street and texted Mother Earth, asking if she was busy. I knew I would cry when she answered the phone, how just hearing her voice would make it seem like everything was ok again.

But I didn’t care. I need to hear someone. I needed to feel safe. I needed someone who understood that all I really needed was to let the swarming wasp nest inside me out so they would stop stinging me and injecting me with poison.

She replied saying that she was never too busy for me, and when I asked if I could call she said sure.

And of course when she answered I mildly fell apart. Hardly anything compared to the other time I fell apart on her. But she let me stumble my way through the situation. She let me talk out the emotions, and afterwards we sat for a really long time logically looking over everything.

It was exactly what I needed.

Expel the emotions. Let them run their course, and then take a second, collect myself again, then look at the problem with clear eyes. A level mind.

I have decided that I’m not going to pay any of the rent. I am not going to watch over Angel. I am done feeling obligated to take care of a person who refuses to take care of himself or to return the favor and help me in some way.

While the first six months of our relationship were the most spiritually fulfilling months I have ever experiences with someone, after we moved in together it has been nothing but negativity.

Financially, spiritually, emotionally, even physically, though not because he was abusive. He stopped touching me, no contact at all. And since physical contact is one of the key things I need in a relationship to feel secure and loved, not being touched was a huge thing.

So, no. I don’t feel like I gained anything positive (other than life experience) from Jarrett, so I’m done.

I plan to go to Kari Monday and explain the new developments with the rental situation. She has been so understanding through all of this. Maybe she will have some insight into the situation, or a course of action I can take.

Once I was done talking with Mother Earth, I came back home. I had planned to go to the store. I need eggs, and milk. New loofas would be cool, too.

But once I got home I was so tired. The emotional roller coaster and the gym were catching up to me.

I curled up on the couch for a while, planning on just resting for a little bit. Eventually I got up and sorted through my cross-stitch thread, which is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. I even started a new one. The dragon of fire. I want to stitch him because I feel my fire side fairly strongly right now.

More strongly than I have in a while actually. I’ve been almost pure earth these past months it seems.

I do not think I feel my fire purely because of the anger and frustration, though those are hotter emotions. I feel movement, warmth, and energy inside me.

I felt strong all day yesterday. Not just physically. I felt confident. In control. I felt like I was standing tall. I felt like a steady flame, burning brightly.

Which is another reason Jarrett was so frustrating.

Everything had been going so well. I didn’t want him to steal that from me. I didn’t want to give him the power to make me feel weak. I didn’t want to falter, for my flame to waiver.

And I didn’t let him. He didn’t win. After talking with Mother Earth and untangling the emotions I felt better. My day wasn’t ruined, and that made me so happy.

Even happier when I realized that I have less than a month left. Less than a month and the lease is over and all of my legal and financial responsibility is over. Done. My ties cut for good.

It is my beacon of hope. That there is an end. I can make it. I just need to keep standing strong through this storm. It is almost past.

Today is another day where I feel strong, capable. I like this feeling. It is a feeling of potential, rather than stillness. So it is connected more to my fire. I am looking forward to completing the stitching.

I didn’t stich for very long last night.

I listened to more of Eragon while I did. I had a salad for dinner and I’ve been working on drinking more water.

Eventually I took Advil in hopes that it would help with the pain in my shins. I’m not normally one for medication, but I have been sleeping so poorly. I wanted to see if easing the pain would help me rest.

I also took Nyquil because even though I was tired, I knew that my body wasn’t going to let me sleep.

Even with taking the Nyquil, something take knocks me out for hours, I woke up around 1am. I’ve never woken up after taking Nyquil, at least, not that I can remember.

I showered and curled back up in bed, and eventually was able to sleep until about 9 this morning.

I had thought since it was the weekend that the renovations wouldn’t start again until Monday, but alas, I woke up to hammers and saws again.

But I was actually ok with that since I had slept most of the night. Funny how a night worth of quality sleep can change your whole perspective.

My legs feel better but I can tell they still aren’t up for running. So lame. Maybe strength today, or yoga? I don’t know yet.

I did have a dream last night. I have started a new section, one specifically for those posts, so I can keep them separate from my daily writings. I think I’ll like that more.

I’m not really sure what I have planned for today honestly. Since it is Saturday there won’t be many people at work. I might go there and stitch just to get away from the noise here.

I need to do breakfast and the gym. Figuring out my schedule for the coming month would be good, too.

I think I’m just going to take it slow, and see what happens.