I bet you can’t guess what day it is…

More happened yesterday than today, and since I’ve been a bit of a slacker there’s a little catching up to do.

I was able to get ahold of Jarrett. He only had $60 to put towards the bills. It’s frustrating that he’s always short the amount he says he will have, and even that is never the full payment. But at least he had something.

While I was there I found out that he might be going to a month to month lease, which would jack rent up about $200 for him.

I’m not sure what that would do to me as far as my rental history. I don’t think it’s a good thing. Which is more frustration.

He hasn’t been able to find a place to more into yet. Mostly because any place that allows cats is out of his price range.

He asked if I would be willing to watch over Angel for a while. I totally wouldn’t mind, she’s a lovable cat, and her and Scarlet have already co-existed together, so I’m sure they would be fine again.

Another thing that was brought up while I was over there was how rent was going to be late, since his current roommate won’t be able to pay on time. He actually came out of his room and was chatting with Jarrett and I for a while.

He seems like an alright guy.

But his paycheck doesn’t land until after rent is due. He said he would pay the late fee, but that doesn’t change the fact that my renter’s history is going to be the one that’s affected, not his.

After thinking about it for a while I just sent Jarrett a message to see how short they are going to be on rent.

If his roommate swears up and down, 9 ways to Sunday to pay me back, and I can afford it, I might help cover what they are short. I don’t want my history fucked over on the last month of this lease.

And if taking Angel allows Jarrett to get out of the apartment, then it’s a small price to pay.

Though that just changes one tie for another, and he’ll still be in my life.

I don’t even know where to begin with that, so for now I’m going to leave it alone and think on it more.

I was pretty proud of myself yesterday, though.

When I was going to leave Jarrett asked me to stay. When I said I didn’t think that would be healthy for either of us he said that he knew I needed it, just as much as he did. But I stuck to my guns.

I said that with everything that he said and did after the breakup that I wasn’t able to cuddle, much less do more. It would open up wounds that I’m honestly still trying to heal.

And it would give him more ammunition to use against me on his bad days.

So no.

No cuddling, no kissing. Just a hug goodbye and I left.

It felt good to leave. To know that I can walk away from situations that I know are unhealthy.

He asked me to move back in with him. He asked if there was anything he could do to get me to come back. He also said he was having thoughts of suicide because things were falling apart for him.

He said that when I finally moved out after the break up. That he was going to kill himself. He sent me pictures of his chest where he had cut a design over his heart. I believe it was a kanji.

I was so worried in the beginning. I felt awful and had massive anxiety. I was literally sick with how much I thought he would actually do something, and that I would be responsible.

I would reach out, try to reassure him that I still cared even though we weren’t together. And then he would lash out and say something mean, cruel even.

You can only try to hug a cactus so many times before you realize that no matter what you do you’re going to get hurt.

I have come to the conclusion that if he seriously wants to injure himself, there’s nothing that I or anyone else can do. He’ll find a way because it’s what he’ll want.

He is an adult. He knows I’m here if he needs to talk. Short of fixing all of his problems for him so he doesn’t have to deal with his situations, there’s nothing I can do to make him feel better.

I feel bad for not feeling bad for him. But everything he is having to deal with right now is a result of his lack of motivation and responsibility.

He’s known for months that the lease was ending. That he needed to be saving money, that he needed to find another place.

I told him months before we broke up that I felt unloved and alienated in our relationship. I even asked for a list of things I could do to show him that I loved him.

I thought I was doing something wrong, and that’s why he wasn’t touching me anymore. Why he wouldn’t even hug me. Why he wouldn’t even have dinner with me when we were both home.

I asked for it twice, and he never wrote it.

I don’t feel bad about leaving. I don’t feel bad that he wishes I would come back. I don’t feel bad that he’s having issues finding reliable roommates.

He made his choices, and now he has to own up to his consequences. I’m not going to let myself sink to save him.

After I left the apartment I went to the bank to deposit the money.

I didn’t do a whole lot after that. At least not that I remember.

I talked to mom for a little bit. I re-read all of my blog posts.

I’m going to be trying some structure changes.

My daily prompt posts that I do every so often are going to have their own section now. And posts that I feel are super important, defining moment type of posts, have their own section as well. I may be adding a monthly recap along with my weekly recap, but we’ll see how that goes. Not sure yet.

I wished people happy New Year before going to sleep, and that was about it for yesterday. No gym, though I thought about it for a really long time.

Today has been super chill, as well.

I went running. So no slacking in that department.

I watched Soylent Green which is a totally f’ed up movie. Good, but messed up.

I started listening to Eat That Frog, which is a book about productivity. It’s one of my goals for January. Which I’ll explain my goal breakdown later. Right now it would be too much mental power.

I’m almost done with the boarder for Jace’s birthday present.

I sort of want to finish that tonight, but I’m also tired, so I haven’t made up my mind about what I’m doing.

Oh. I remember something else that happened yesterday. I went to the ATnT store to figure out the phone. I had to go through a website to request the unlock, and of course the confirmation email went to Sir because it is his account. He accepted the confirmation for me though, so hopefully that gets figured out relatively soon.

One other thing.

Today while I was cooling down from my run I was sitting on top of a picnic bench. A guy was walking a little ways away, towards my general direction.

When he got closer he asked me something, but I had my headphones in so I couldn’t hear him. I took them out and apologized for not hearing him the first time.

He said he had asked if it would be ok to use my phone for a second.

I thought about it. He didn’t look like a thief. Tall, young, black male, wearing dressier shoes, not sneakers, fairly well dressed. Through our conversation he actually admitted to being in high school.

I decided, sure. Worse comes to worse and he runs off with my phone at least I wouldn’t have to worry about switching it over anymore.

He was super appreciative when I navigated to the keypad and handed the phone to him. He tried calling someone, his friend he said, twice, but both times it went to voicemail.

I asked if he needed a ride and he said no, he appreciated it. He was just trying to meet up with his friend. He said that he was having problems at home. I wonder if that was why he didn’t have his own phone. Maybe he left it, or it had died because he couldn’t charge it.

He thanked me again, and said goodbye. I told him that I wished him well and to take care.

I don’t have much else to say. My mind is wandering but my fingers don’t feel like moving. Most likely a good thing. It would just be random nonsense anyway.

The more I think about it, the more I think I will turn in early tonight.