Today was alright. Well, overall it was good.

I totally kicked ass at the gym. I did the elliptical for a .75 mile warm up. I biked for 5 miles, and then rowed for another two. I ran the track for a ¼ mile and then did some strength training for my upper body. Push ups mostly.

After that I sat in the sauna for a while and just basked.

I talked to Mother Earth for a little bit.

She’s having a rough time, and it makes me wish more than anything to be near her. It makes me wish I could do more.

Anthony messaged me yesterday, so I replied back to him this afternoon. He and Tica are going to be at the school for a presentation tomorrow evening. We have tentative plans to meet for dinner.

I’m pretty sure I would be ok if they canceled. I’m not sure if I’m going to be in the mood to be social after work, especially since it is going to be an early day with very little sleep.

I don’t get to see them very often, though. Maybe if we go to a quiet place for food it will be ok.

I got through all of the tutorials for this week. I even got to finish the Illustrator tutorial I started last month on Lynda.com. It was nice to get both of those off of my to do list.

I finished Joey’s cross stitch gift while listening to more of my book. I think I want to change the color of part of the design though. Because the fabric is so light, the white is hard to see. I think I’m going to swap it out for a super light pink, just so it pops out a bit more.

I got through all of my chores today, so that was nice. No slacking here.

I went into work at 9.

I got to stitch a little bit of my September dragon. I started that one months ago, but never had the thread I needed to finish it. And then there were other, time sensitive projects, which became a higher priority.

So now I finally get to go back and work on it.

I’m hoping to have it finished before going home on Sunday.

It’s hard to believe that it is already Wednesday.

Right now I’m pretty tired, mentally and physically. Take that body. Try to keep me awake tonight with restless energy after what I put you through at the gym.

On second thought, I take that back… You’ll probably take that as a challenge and keep me up just to spite me…

So a pretty uneventful day.

I know the mixed feelings are due to concern. It’s hard wanting to help support someone when you’re miles away. I want to be able to do more than send my thoughts and energy out.

I want to ‘do’ something. Anything. Cook zucchini fries, give a hug, sit silently and just be a presence.

Any number of things that I can’t do sitting behind my computer screen.

I suppose the most important thing I can do is to be strong. To keep my head high.

She has been there for me in my times of need, and listened to me when I needed to talk through the confusion and hurt. She was strong for me when I needed to crumble and shatter.

I think sometimes we need to break.

All of those times where I have broken down, cried uncontrollably to the point of being unable to breath. All of those times that I felt I had lost everything and that the world was too much, too heavy. All of those times that I thought I was failing.

I wasn’t.

I was shattering, yes. Breaking into a thousand pieces. But through breaking, through crying and finally allowing myself to acknowledge the darker emotions inside myself I was able to let go.

I was able to unbottle all of those feelings, give them release, and while it may have been scary from the outside, seeing me so out of control of the emotions and having them rage through me, demanding their time with such force, once it was over there was so much calm.

It was like I was a sword, shattered in battle, but those pieces were reforged, the imperfections and impurities which made me weak, the stress, the worries, the anger, rejection, all of the hurt.

All of it was washed away with the tears. Those pieces weren’t part of me anymore.

They were dissolved and I reformed without them.

I was stronger for having broken.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well. All I know is that I am strong. Even when I feel I am at my weakest, I am strong. Every challenge I face makes me stronger. And when I shatter I’m not really breaking. I’m reforming.

There was a quote by Alex Tan.

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”

I feel like that’s what happens for me. I feel clean afterwards, as if everything has been washed away.

I hope that is the way Mother Earth sees it. I hope more than anything she knows that I’m here for her, even if I’m far away.

I know she’s strong, even though I know sometimes she thinks she isn’t.

She’s amazing. She’s the best. And just like with the Earth itself, there needs to be landslides, earthquakes, and volcanoes.

These aren’t bad things. Powerful, frightening, scary. Yes. But they are needed, and afterwards there is so much potential for growth and change. A chance for something new and better.

Just because something is intense doesn’t mean it is bad.

I am here for you Mother Earth. Through thick and thin, earthquakes and all. <3