That’s what it feels like. It feels like a Monday after a refreshing weekend. I feel ready for my to-do list, and I feel like I’m going to be able to get a lot done.

I don’t have labs today since it’s the first day of the new month.

For those who don’t know, the school I teach at is pretty intense. You get a four year degree in two years. Each month you take two classes, and in those 4 weeks you get a semesters worth of information.

When you enroll at the school they advise you to not work while taking classes, since you go to lecture for 4 hours a day, and then have lab 4 hours each day, and that doesn’t include time for homework.

The school also runs 24 hours a day. So you can literally get labs from 9pm to 1am, or 5am to 9am. It’s crazy.

Like I said. Intense. I went through as a student and loved it. And now I teach there. I love it.

Anyway. Since students haven’t had their first lecture yet, their labs won’t start until around the middle of the week. But since we have Thanksgiving this week their break starts right when they would have lab.

So really my week is full of Administrative hours. I’m on the clock doing stuff for the class, but I’m not in a lab. Basically it’s a bunch of time to myself, working on tasks that I choose to work on. It should be fantastic.

And that’s most likely the reason I feel like I’m going to get a bunch done today. I have the time and space I need to do it. No constant questions interrupting my workflow.

So I have that to look forward to once I go on.

One of the things I did last night was run back to the school. In one of my work emails there were notes from a meeting that I hadn’t been able to attend. Come to find out, two of my favorite co-workers just celebrated 10 years with the school. I had no idea they had been here for so long.

They were instructors when I went through he program, and they’ve been so supportive of my endeavors as an employee. I wrote them both thank you cards saying how much I appreciated their help as a student, and how much their support meant to me as a co-worker. I said thank you for all of their awesome, amazing work, and that the school wouldn’t be the same without them.

I went to the store first to pick up the groceries, but then I ran to school to leave the notes on their desk. I hope they get them this morning. I really hope it brightens their day.

While I was waking out of work I walked by an open lab. Luis was in there and he called out. I stopped and we chatted for a bit. He was playing World of Warcraft and in general just enjoying the evening.

He offered for me to play with him an Aaron, who was also in the lab. I was super tempted, and was actually going to come back and hang with them. I opted for staying at home and chatting with them via Skype instead.

Since they were playing alliance characters I had to make new characters on a different server. But it was fun and I had a good time.

I didn’t eat my steak, but that’s because once I got home I thought it would be super awesome to have sautéed mushrooms and onion with it, which of course I didn’t have and the store was closed.

So I had a chicken sandwich instead and played WoW until about midnight. Got to level 6 on my nightelf hunter. : )

Nothing had really happened yet this morning. Just now waking up.

I’m going to go running, then get snake food for Seth, stop by the store for the steak toppings, come home to cook for the week. I need to check out my new class for the month.

I’ve already emailed Jarrett and Mr. D about the bills. Setting up the DropBox folder would be a good thing to take care of as well so it’s off the list.

So, yeah. Got a game plan going, with the energy and recourses I need to see it through.

Here’s to a good day.

Wow. I’ve written a ton this week. There are my daily posts, the Blogging 101 stuff, and the few prompt writings that I participated in. So much reading for a weekly recap. ;-;

It was a pretty low week to be honest. I didn’t get much done.

Got 100s on all of my assignments, and got paid so that’s awesome. Definitely positive points for those things.

I got the Liebster award because Ally is an amazing person. : D

I found out that Tim, a department chair at work, is totally on board with Project Breakroom.

The gift week was announced at work, which is awesome. Traditionally, the school gives us an extra week of vacation time as a thank you for everything we do. I was sort of banking on getting that week so I could spend it with my mom.

I found other blogs to follow and have made some pretty nifty connections.

I finished off another class in my degree, and the month is over, so my schedule is about to switch again.

There’s only two weeks before I get to see my family, and part of those two weeks I’m on Thanksgiving vacation. So I don’t have much work to worry about. I can survive two weeks.

I had my ‘date’ with Ari, which wasn’t a positive. But to be fair, things had been kind of rocky in my mind before we went out. I had to come to terms with the isolation that has been building inside me for a while. I think the outing just sort of poked it with a really sharp stick.

It lead to an emotional release that I think I needed. It led to me talking to Sammie, and feeling loved. I feel cleaner.

And right now I feel stronger.

I know this morning when I first wrote I felt like I had nothing to give. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to get through the day with how tired I was.

I went back to sleep until around 9am. I felt better, more awake. I showered and packed up to go to school.

I went to Perkins for breakfast. I have good memories of having breakfast there with my mom. Sammie, Josh, and I went there a few times as well.

And it was actually pretty perfect. Just the right amount of people for 10am on a Sunday. Kids were talking with the parents. Couples were chatting or reading the paper. I was sat in a corner booth where I would watch but not worry about being in the way or having people walking past me.

I had an egg, steak, and potato omelet with salsa. There was a fruit cup as well. And I treated myself to a sweet tea instead of water.

My waitress was super nice. Didn’t flutter around me too often. Just left me to myself. She brought me a to-go tea without me even asking for it, which I thought was super sweet of her. I left her a tip just shy of 50%. She deserved it and I hope it made her day.

I went to school and got the key for the finals room. Since it’s the end of the month everyone’s assignments had to be turned in on Friday, so no one was going to be in that particular lab, which was perfect in my opinion.

I like the finals room. I spent three months of my life living in that lab, rigging, rendering, sleeping, and bashing my head against the computer desk trying to figure out why my file was breaking.

I still think of the desk that I sat at for those three months as ‘my’ desk. It’s my spot.

It felt good to be in the room, working on a project, again.

I got one of the tablets out of the cabinet and worked until about 1pm. I took a break, stretched a bit, then went back to work until roughly 4pm.

I didn’t eat anything. And I drank a little bit from the tea and coffee drink that I had.

The whole reason I ended up at Perkins was because originally I had stopped at Publix to pick up a Summer Roll. (I may or may not be obsessed with summer right now…).

Well… at 9:40am I guess the sushi guys haven’t been there long enough to have everything made because the sushi display was empty. So much sadness. Even the hot bar was empty. Why, Universe? Why?

While I was in the store I got a coffee drink and a newspaper for my mom. She’s super into couponing, so since I’m going to be going home soon, I wanted to get one for her.

So since I couldn’t have the breakfast I wanted, I had steak and eggs instead. Woe is me, right? I think I came out on the right end of that deal.

Anywho, I didn’t have any food with me, so I was only sipping at my drinks while I worked.

At 4pm I called it quites, submitted my work and started going through my messages since I had sort of been ignoring them.

I checked over Desiree’s rig since she was having issues, and recorded a short podcast for her explaining the fix she needed to do. I talked to Alex for a little bit. He’s doing some work for the company he has a contract with, so that’s awesome. I told Anthony about the pub I went to with Ari, so maybe he, Tica, and I can meet up there at some point.

I talked to Nicole since she was in the lobby with a few other students, working. After chatting with them though I felt it was time to go home.

I cleaned a lot. Vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, cleaned out the fridge, put all the dirty cloths in the hamper since I had a small pile going on the floor (I know, I’m a slacker).

I went through my ‘in’ box, which had all of my mail and receipts. I balanced my budget. I emailed Clavan about my vacation time. I emailed Donna asking about how my classes count towards my yearly review. I emailed Ari to see if we can get a meeting scheduled with Donna about Project Breakroom. And I sent out emails to some of my animator friends to get Tre connected with some people.

And now I’m doing my weekly recap.

There’s still stuff I want to get done, like going to the store. Which I’m actually going to do because one of the things on the list is a steak for dinner tonight.

I did way better today than I thought I would. And in acknowledgement of that I get protein. Omnomnomnom. : E

If I do this last thing, then I’ll be done for tonight. I don’t need that much from the store to be honest. So it should be a short trip, and then I get to come home and have a fantastic dinner. One where I can listen to the last three chapters in my book and maybe watch the new episode of Korra, even though I heard it’s lame.

I haven’t finished Joey’s gift yet, and I know there’s really no excuse for it. It’s so close to being done. That’s my goal for next week.

I need to message Jarrett and Mr. D about the bills since those will be due soon. I still need to set up a Dropbox folder for Michael so he can get the tutorials, and I haven’t sat down and mapped out my goals. But I have been thinking about them, so I’m not too upset at myself for not having done that already.

So this week had its ups and downs. More downs that what I have had in the past few months, but most of them were my own doing, and I recovered from them fairly fast.

So, this week, this month, is over. And I survived! Huzzah!

I feel like this coming week is going to be ok.

I feel like I’m going to be ok. And I can’t lie. I feel a lot of that has to do because of my Mother Earth being there for me, and for loving me, even when I goof up.

You’re amazing Sammie. Thank you so much for everything! <3

6am.

I’ve slept for roughly 12 hours.

I feel awake but still low. I remember back to just last week where I had lots of energy. Where everyday I was blasting through my to-do list. It’s hard not to get frustrated.

There was one point where I thought dating myself would be the best thing in the world. I cook, I clean, I’m super caring, I’m quiet and unobtrusive, I’m funny and playful, I have a variety of hobbies and interests.

And then I started dating Jarrett, who I believe is also an INFJ. And if that’s what it’s like dating myself, then I’m a ton of work.

I’m kind of thinking that right now. My logic side, the scientist, is also the mom. She’s trying to be patient and understanding, but she knows that the right side of me needs to sort of ‘snap out of it’, and the patient understanding-ness is drying up.

Soon it will move to tough love. Which will cause the right side of my brain, my four year old, to rebel just for the sake of being defiant. Because like every four year old, she’s an adult and knows what’s best for her.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to exist without this inner conflict. What would it be like to feel like one whole person rather than two, split down the center, constantly bickering with each other?

Do other people only have one voice in their heads? Or are there two, it’s just that they can’t hear one of them, or it’s not as loud as the other?

Am I actually mentally unstable like one of my exs said?

I don’t think I am. Both of the voices are my own, just different viewpoints. Like the angle and devil sitting on my shoulder.

My favorite example of that is from the Emperor’s New Groove. “It’s a robe!”

If I had nothing else going on and I had the whole day to myself, I would literally do nothing. I wouldn’t stitch, I wouldn’t read. I might go run. That actually sounds really nice. Being away from literally everything that reminds me of obligations.

The idea of going back to sleep sounds amazing as well. But I just slept 12 hours. How could I sleep more?

I don’t feel weak. I don’t feel sick. I feel tired, like I’m recovering. I unloaded and loaded the dish washer, and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I’m tired again.

My shoulders feel heavy. Sitting up straight is an effort, a task that I should add to my to-do list. That’s how much energy it’s taking me to stay awake. It’s something worthy of being added to other tasks like ‘vacuum the car’.

That seems so out of proportion. One task clearly is more involved than the other. But right now it doesn’t feel that way. Right now they are on the same left, and my body aches at the thought of both.

At least I have taken my vitamin today. I wonder if that has anything to do with my energy dips. I have been inconsistent with it for the past week.

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Lab was quiet as usual. I got donuts for my first lab for the last time. Clavan came in and we chatted for a bit. It wasn’t about anything super important.

Though that reminds me that I had a dream about my yearly review.

One of the things we have to do as staff members is “Continuing Education” or CE hours. Projects, training, conferences, etc. things that that show that we are continuing to grow as artists.

We have to get 16 CE hours over the course of a year.

In my dream I had a printout with 60 hours, before my DAD classes were even factored into it.

I need to email Donna and see what I need to do to have my classes accounted for, or if they are factored into something else.

I don’t think I’m at 60 hours. I think at most I would have 30ish.

Any way, Clavan was there for a bit. I didn’t work on my project. I know I need to. But it goes back to that whole “not wanting to do anything” mode that I’m in. Arg.

I saw Christopher as I was leaving work to clock out. He wanted to talk to me about the break room project I have going on. I ended up staying at school an extra four hours. It was super nice.

Christopher was in an open lab with Adam. Both of them are in the Modeling department, under Tim. So we were trading stories back and forth since I’m in the Technical Arts department.

My department is sort of like the black sheep of the pipeline. In the Modeling department, everyone knows how to model. In the Animation department, everyone knows how to animate. In Fine Arts, everyone knows how to draw and the concepts and theories behind creating compositions.

In the Technical Arts department we have Visual Effects, Shading and Lighting, Compositing, Rigging, and Scripting… yeah…

Just because I’m a mechanic, doesn’t mean I know how to fix your submarine.

That’s why the hiring freeze sucks so much. We’ve lost people in our department. And just because I can rig a character, doesn’t mean I know how to navigate through Nuke or composite a green screen element onto a back plate.

So yeah, all three of us were talking about the work environment and different things, and how Tim is super supportive of fixing up the break room for the lab staff.

There were a handful of students in the lab. One of them is actually super cool dude that I remember from when he was in CRI1. That’s really the reason I ended up staying at school for so long.

We eventually got onto other topics and some of the students jumped into the conversation, and before I new it it was super late and Christian and Adam were packing up to leave.

I left with them.

It was a really nice interaction. Lots of energy, I knew most of the people involved, and I was in a location that I was super familiar with. I enjoyed the conversation more than I would have enjoyed working on my project.

I had made plans to go to the store after work, since while I was in lab I had made all of my meal plans. I didn’t feel like doing it after the conversation though. It was getting dark, and it was rainy… again… I miss summer. ;-;

So I came home. I decided to take rest of the night for myself. I would have dinner, I would watch Tenchi Muyo, and I would relax.

I did cook dinner, which I think was my biggest accomplishment. I tried watching my show, but I got halfway through an episode and then went to sleep.

And now I’m awake, and about to go back to sleep.

I’m going to go to school to work once I wake up again. I know I’m not going to work well here since Joshua is home with a friend. Since it is Sunday I know not many students are going to be on campus, and because I’m staff I can get the key for one of the lab rooms and lock the door behind me, so I have the whole room to myself.

My own little bubble. That sounds really nice right now.

It’s early. I’ve been poking around at Facebook for about the last 20 minutes. There’s some good art posts. Apparently some counties in my home state are accepting gay marriage applications. Some of my friends have decorated their apartments for Christmas already and other people have been listening to audio books all week.

Supposedly the new episode of Korra is lame, so I’m down before I even have a chance to watch it. At least I’m prepared. I’m so frustrated with Korra constantly getting her butt kicked.

Anyway, I feel calmer today.

I forgot that I had a meeting at work yesterday, so while I was in the middle of cooking bacon to go with my breakfast I got a beep from my computer. Normally I would ignore it, but like a responsible adult, I checked to make sure it wasn’t anything important.

Good thing I did since it was my calendar saying that I needed to be at a department meeting in 15 minutes…

I didn’t even get a chance to shower. I dashed off to school, sat through the meeting where we all made mention of the fact that we’re spread super, crazy thin, and that the school needs to hire more people for our department. It was also our department chair’s birthday.

We even joked about that. “Happy birthday, Joe! By the way… here are all our problems.” XD

It wasn’t a warm fuzzy meeting. Things have been hard with the hiring freeze. The hours suck, we all are having to fill in for classes we’re not comfortable with, or were hired to teach. Perfect example is how I had to cross train to help with Shading and Lighting, even though I graduated with a focus in Character Rigging.

I stuck around and talked to Frank after the meeting. I told him about the pub Ari and I had gone to, and he’s super interested in going. It would be great if we could get a group of us together to go out for a card night or something.

Maybe I can add that to my ‘moral booster’ project. Some sort of get-together for the staff. I know in the past it hasn’t worked because our schedules change every month. It’s hard to get something like that going.

I think it would be a good endeavor though. We’ll see.

After the meeting I came back home so I could eat and then get dressed to go running.

I did really well yesterday. It was sunny and cool without being too cold, so I ran Cady Way Trail again. I forgot about the park I had found earlier in the week. I’ll try to remember it for tomorrow.

I think it was good to be some place familiar though. I was able to mark my improvement better. And there is a level of reassurance from the familiar.

After that I came home and relaxed for a bit. There was still a tightness inside me from the previous night. Sort of like a pressure, building.

I was supposed to meet with a student to give him some tutorials. It would have taken an hour to transfer all of the files. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit and make small talk for an hour. That tightness got worse the more I thought about having to interact with anyone. So I cancelled the meeting. I feel a little guilty about it, but I am going to be setting up a Dropbox folder to transfer the file via online. So yeah, I may be sort of lame, but I’m still getting it taken care of.

I showered and went to the store eventually.

I had told Joshua a few days ago that I would pick up mayonnaise and jelly since he ran out. I’ve been using them, so I felt like it was only fair that I buy the new ones. I got milk and eggs while I was out. And I was starting to get on my case for not having taken care of it already.

After I was done at the store I was thinking about buying dinner. I was hungry again, I didn’t want to cook, and nothing in the store had caught my attention. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was already pushing 6pm.

I thought about different places, and was just driving around aimlessly trying to convince myself that something, anything, was better than nothing.

I was letting my music play. I didn’t want to go back home yet. I didn’t want to be inside.

I ended up near my old apartment. The one I had with Sammi, Josh, and Sir. I realized where I was at and got a little excited. I could go to Waffle House and have awesome grungy food, just like the times I went out with Sammi and Josh, and it would be great. I could do something that reminded me of all of those warm, happy memories, and treat myself to something I don’t get to have very often.

As soon as I put the car into park I broke down. Like the action of parking my car was a signal to open the floodgates or something.

I sat and cried because I realized how far away they are now. I realized how alone I feel even though I’m around people all the time.

I realized how I haven’t had a hug from anyone in weeks. How every time I’m interacting with someone it’s because they have a question, or a favor to ask. How at the moment I felt like a dictionary rather than a person.

I remembered how it was awesome coming home to a house full of people, and dinner being cooked. How, at least from Sammi and Josh, there was never pressure to be anyone but myself. They were ok with my crazy need for lots of space.

I know I’m not really alone. I know I have people who love me. But it feels like I am missing them in my daily life. My everyday interactions. And it makes me feel isolated.

I feel like a terrible person that it took me three months to finally come to terms with the fact that they are gone. Shouldn’t I have felt these emotions the last time I said goodbye to them? Shouldn’t it have been real then?

I mean, in my head I knew it was real. I knew they had packed and the apartment was empty. I know. I went there to return the key for them and the Internet equipment. I helped them pack. I knew they were gone.

I cried from all the emotions from my experience last night. I’m trying not to be angry with myself, but it’s hard when I knew I was walking into a brick wall.

It’s one thing for circumstances to work against you, but to knowing subject yourself to a negative situation, to consciously do it… I really can’t have sympathy for myself.

My inner scientist is standing there, clipboard in the crook of her arm, looking at me over the her rimmed glasses with an, “I told you so,” look.

It felt good to cry. It was dark, the parking lot was mostly empty, and it felt safe. It was someplace familiar that I had good memories with. It made me feel close to the people that I needed.

I sat in my car afterwards for a little while, collecting myself, letting the music surround me like a blanket.

I still had my art homework to do, and I was super hungry.

I drove back home, stopping at Taco Bell along the way. The guy at the drive thru was actually super nice, which was great. He did a little dance as he handed me my food and said that he hoped I had a good rest of my night.

It could have been a total act, but it made me smile and it meant a lot to me that he put in effort to make me feel good.

I was going to buy one of the brownie sandwiches that they sold, but I guess they stopped carrying them, which is so lame.

I wanted something sweet; a treat. I got a 100 on my last art assignment. I don’t feel like I deserved a 100 on it, since in my mind the project was incomplete. But hey, a 100 is a 100 and I wanted to reward myself.

I spent all of Sunday working on it, and I spent 3 hours of my Saturday watching additional tutorials. I wanted to do something for myself to acknowledge my hard work.

So since I couldn’t have my brownie I went and got a Scoop Froggie Frog gelati from Jeremiah’s. It’s a mint chocolate chip Italian ice flavor. It’s super good, but I get it mostly because I think the name is awesome. XD Marketing at its finest.

I came home and started working after putting the dishes and groceries away. I got the eagle roughed out, and have an idea for how to do the foreground tree. I needed a tablet to really go it right though, and since Jarrett still has mine I had to wait until going into work to get one I could use.

I got the gradient in the background, and figured out my color pallet.

While I was working I got a text message from Sammi saying that she was silently sending me strength.

Again, I totally lost it. Just out of nowhere I started crying again. I felt loved. I felt thought of. And I felt bad because I knew she wouldn’t be happy with what had happened the previous night.

I texted her back, telling her about crying at Waffle House and how I missed both her and Josh.

She wanted to call, and even though the only thing I wanted in the world was to hear her voice, I didn’t want to talk because there was no way that I could answer the phone and hold it together.

She’s one of my ‘safe’ people. I could say ‘hi’ and she would know if something was bothering me. Like my mom. It’s like some six sense or something. It’s great, but so totally frustrating, too. Not that she would have needed it last night.

I texted her back saying that I wasn’t doing anything, except for crying again. Stupid tears. Messing everything up.

She called, and like I thought, I couldn’t even answer the phone without totally balling, curled up on my bed, in the dark.

She was so supportive. She let me cry. She told me to let it all out, that it was ok. That I was ok. She didn’t tell me that I was silly. She didn’t make me feel bad. It was almost like she was there with me.

Once I had calmed down we talked about the situation with Ari, we talked about work, school, we talked about Waffle House, and why I don’t feel connected to anything in Florida right now.

We talked about my goals and what I really want.

I haven’t done that in a while; identify my goals, what I’m working towards.

I know I’m taking classes, but I think I’m losing sight of why.

I’m going to be figuring out my goals for the next three years. That will take me up to the end of my degree. Maybe six if I’m feeling frisky. I think that will help me. That will let me know why I’m still here in Florida, rather than moving to be with the people who are important to me. Reconnecting to my purpose will make it feel worth it.

Right now I’m at work. It’s the last 5am lab for the month.

I have my to-do list written down today because I need something solid; digital just won’t cut it today. Sorry OmniFocus.

I slept really well last night. Most likely from being drained from crying. I needed the emotional release though. I feel clearer. Like I said, calmer.

Yesterday was payday. Whoohoo! So that means I get to go about paying all my bills.

Right now I feel like I can take care of everything. I’m not really tired. Lower energy, but I can work with that. I can still get stuff taken care of. It’s one of those energies where I could zone out and get lost in a task. Before I know it six hours will have past and all of my stuff will be done, sort of a thing. And I’ll wonder where all the time went.

So here’s to a productive day. A new day.

So I’m confused, about myself. And this post is going to reflect that by being insanely long. Fair warning. : D

If I’m honest, I’m worried that I might be being a little bit self-destructive. Maybe I’m just over thinking things. But deep down, I don’t feel like I am. I feel like most of the time I’m usually right, and it’s when I don’t little to the little voice inside my head that shit hits the fan.

Before I get into that, I actually had an alright day at work yesterday.

I wasn’t ready to wake up, again. I miss waking up at 2 and 3am, on my own. Waking up to an alarm, in the middle of a REM cycle, sucks.

I’ve also been having dreams lately. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I have had to wake up before I am ready to.

I had a dream, I think it was Tuesday, of an orange cat, much like the one my mom used to have. Morris. But it wasn’t Morris, it was my dad, in cat form.

I was petting him under his chin, sort of worried that he was going to claw at me. (Morris wasn’t super friendly or cuddly). But it changed so that I wasn’t petting him with my hands. I was petting him with the tip of a bright blue highlighter, like I was painting him. And he was rubbing against the tip of the marker like he wanted to be colored. He was purring.

That stuck out to me the most. The blue highlighter.

I know for a while people believed that you don’t dream in color, but you actually do. And the color in the dreams I remember as always so vivid.

Anyway. I remember his eyes, too. They were looking at me. Watching me. They were intelligent. He was thinking, about something. Me. My actions. I don’t know. I just know that he was like me, analyzing everything about the situation, taking in all of the information. Regarding me and making conclusions about something.

It was like I was being evaluated. They were distant. Not warm and friendly, even though he was purring. There was coldness there, a gap that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to cross. I could give and give, and paint him any color he wanted, but he would never warm up to me, because that’s just how he is.

If I was lucky the only indication of his feelings I would get was a scratch to let me know that he was tired of being petted.

I’m pretty sure there were words. His mouth didn’t move, but I remember a male voice. For the life of me I couldn’t tell you what it said.

Today I woke up remembering bits of another dream.

I haven’t seen any bedbugs in weeks. I keep checking. I keep thinking I’m going to find an infestation under my pillow or in one of my sheets. I keep thinking they’ll come back and I’ll have to throw my new backpack away.

In my dream I was waking up, rolling out of bed. I had paused for a moment to finish gathering the energy to push myself up when I noticed something crawling on the bed. A small, tiny, baby bedbug.

I killed it, and began to check everywhere for more. If there was a baby that meant there had to be an adult. But I didn’t find anything. I pulled back the covers to look at the sheets, and instead of the black sheets that I have on my bed right now there was soft sky blue (again with the blue) sheets.

There were small splotches of dried blood on them. I know you don’t really bleed when you are bitten by bedbugs, but I remember thinking in the dream that I wasn’t going to be able to tell if there were bedbugs biting me at night because I wouldn’t be able to see new blood stains on the sheets, and I was worried about having to buy new sheets to be able to tell.

I think there was even a third one from a few days ago, but it is so distant I can’t recall anything about it.

I normally put a lot of weight on my dreams, which I know some people think is silly. But the ones I remember always seem to be my brain trying to communicate with me. Trying to warm me, or show me something important. Some realization that it wants me to have.

Since the bedbug dream is something that just happened, I’ve mainly had the other dream floating around in my head.

Yesterday wasn’t as cold as it has been the past few days, which was nice. I dressed up sort of nicer, not because I wanted to be girly, but because most of my ‘nice’ cloths are long sleeved, and therefore warmer.

I fixed the 3D Blitz video, which took most of the day since I had to re-render it. I poked around on WordPress for most of my time. I honestly couldn’t do much else. Even Internet browsing is hard for my computer when all of the processing power is going into making a movie.

I was actually nominated for an award by Ally. The Liebuster Award, which I will be making a post about relatively soon. It was so flattering to receive the award. I never thought about awards or followers when I started by blog. I created it as a piece of Internet all to myself. It’s heartwarming to know that other people enjoy it.

So that made my day.

But yeah, most of it was spent reading other blogs and writing.

I actually wrote a post yesterday that I never put online. I feel like I’ve been posting so much. Now that I have people following me (which all of you are amazing, thank you so much! : D ) I worry about spamming their inboxes with meaningless posts.

And the one I had written was sort of pointless. It was just me, worrying and fretting over my evening with Ari. So I opted to keep it to myself.

Which is sort of what is leading to my confusion and worry.

Ari and I had made plans on Saturday to go out last night, so once I was done with work I headed home to try to sleep. Which of course I couldn’t. I mostly rested my eyes and brain, but I wasn’t able to physically sleep.

When 8:45 came around I figured I had better start getting ready.

And this is where I become my INFJ self.

One of the things Ari said Saturday was that she wanted for this to be labeled officially as a ‘date’.

And on Saturday, while I was in my need for extroverted human connection, it seemed like a great idea. She wanted me to dress up, and for it to be a fun night for both of us since neither of us have felt that ‘specialness’ from another person in a while.

Yesterday I spent all day dreading the evening. I didn’t want to go on a ‘date’ anymore.

To me dates are full of expectations. It has to be a good time. There has to be this show, this façade. It’s not normal casual behavior. It’s like a mating dance, and I’m not interested in that right now. Or currently, ever, really.

I don’t want a casual, beni-friend. I want a companion. I want my hand held. I want to be hugged. I really would be ok with not having sex and knowing that the other person wanted something from me other than my body.

Also, in my head, you go on a date with someone so you can see if you are compatible with them for the end goal of a long term relationship, mostly resulting in marriage.

I don’t want to marry Ari. I don’t want a long-term relationship with her. So dating her doesn’t seem right. And if it’s just a single, one time occurrence, then isn’t it more of an ‘outing’ rather than a ‘date’. Like hanging out?

Couldn’t we have just done that? Two friends spending time together, rather than going on a ‘date’ and trying to elevate our relationship to something I don’t feel? That I don’t want to feel?

Why do I have to have this crazy, ridiculous connection with words?

Anyway, she called twice while I was in the shower and left a text message asking if I was there. Already I was feeling this pressure to preform, to be perfect, and already I wasn’t living up to expectations.

“Hey. Hey you. Hey. Are you there? Are you ready? Hey. So I’m here. This is going to be great. Aren’t you ready for a great time? I totally can’t wait. This is going to be great.”

That’s what it sounded like in my head.

I didn’t’ want to go through with it, but I couldn’t back down. It was too late. It wouldn’t be fair to her. It was just dinner. I could do this. I could do this.

I called her back and she said she would be over to pick me up shortly. I finished getting ready and met her outside.

I didn’t want to get in the car. I knew that things were going to be sexual.

I know that she is attracted to me, and she is not unattractive, but I know emotionally there are several things she needs to work through, and I feel she is looking for me to make those things better for her. Like a medication masking the symptoms rather than treating the cause.

As cruel and heartless as this may sound, I view her as weak, and that is not appealing to my animal instincts. Weak doesn’t survive and flourish.

I knew by getting in the car I was going to be subjecting myself to a situation what I wasn’t going to like. Alone, in a dark car, at night, with someone who wanted more than what I wanted to give.

I breathed deep and got into the car. I didn’t make any promises to myself. I didn’t apologize to myself. I knew what I was getting into. I was making this choice. A few hours and I could come back home and cry it out if I had to. But my choices had led me to this moment, so now I had follow through with the consequences.

We didn’t even make it to the first stop light before she started petting my arm. And I can’t lie. I liked the physical touch. I liked it in the beginning because it was non-sexual and I thought for a brief moment that maybe I had been wrong. Maybe it would be about affection and closeness rather than trying to get to the end goal of sex.

But I was wrong. Her touches didn’t stay platonic. I could feel her need. That she wanted it, wanted more. I could feel that in a way she needed this type of contact. When we parked she kissed me.

Everything about the interaction was sharp. Her teeth, her nails, the edge of her energy. This need, this drive, like it wasn’t a choice. It had to happen. She had to do it, and if I didn’t give then I would be crushing something inside her. Some part of her that needed the affirmation.

As a masochist normally pain is fine, encouraged even. But this wasn’t good pain. This was like pin pricks that you want to get away from. Nothing that I couldn’t handle, but not something I wanted to have continued either. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t arousing.

We eventually went inside, and even though I had given up on my fantasy notion of this being a loving, affectionate evening, I did have a nice time at the restaurant.

It was a pub type place, with a Lord of the Rings / DnD theme to it. The burger that I got was called ‘The Smug”, and the onion ring stack we got as an appetizer was called “The Two Towers”.

Yeah… that type of a restaurant. There was a group of people playing Magic the Gathering, and a couple DnD campaigns going on. It was actually a pretty awesome atmosphere, and I started to enjoy myself despite the car ride there.

There were three bookshelves filled with nothing but board and card games. Ari and I played a few while we had a drink together. It was a butterscotch stout, which was actually fantastic. We had some pretty relaxed conversation, and things seemed to be on safe ground for a while.

When she made a mention that she was covering dinner I got really awkward and said that the only way I would be ok with it is if I was able to treat her to lunch or dinner at some point. I don’t like feeling like I owe someone.

It also made me think about the whole ‘dating’ thing again. It made me think that I would in a way ‘owe’ her for the evening out, and that it would be expected of me to willingly give myself in return as payment.

That’s what dates are normally like, right? The mating dance. I will display my ability to provide for you, that I am a worthy mate in hopes of gaining your favor to breed with me.

And it’s detached, analytical thoughts like that which make me feel like I don’t belong in society. I look at everything as if I am a scientist behind a clipboard, observing the behavior of those around me and jotting down notes on their sheets of paper.

“Fascinating. I see. Hmmm, yes. Notice here how the lead female looks at the waiter with slight distain for interrupting her advances on the potential mate. Let’s see how the situation progresses,” my brain would be a fantastic show on National Geographic or the Discovery channel.

Ari agreed to my request, so I relaxed a little bit. But I knew it wasn’t over. There was still the car ride home.

The food was awesome. Seriously, one of the best burgers I’ve ever had. And because it was a ‘date’ there was dessert at the end, and again, seriously, totally for realz, best chocolate cake ever.

Between all of the total nerd / geek acceptance vibes and the food, I’m sure I’ll be going back there again, weird socially awkward date-ness be damn. I dare it to stand between me and an awesome burger.

But that meant that dinner was over. That meant back to the car. That meant no more safeness of a pubic setting, where even there I had to smile and play footies under the table and listen to sly comments about how she wanted to hold something other than my hand.

While we were in the car she asked what I was comfortable with. I said nothing under the cloths, which even that was more than what I wanted.

I felt like it wasn’t fair of me to say, “Nothing. I know you had this whole evening built up inside of your head of me ending up in your bed sexually exhausted from your prowess, but I’m really not feeling it so stay on your side of the car. K. Thanks.”

That would make me the cold, heartless, ice queen bitch that everyone complains about. “Man, I did all of this for her, and that’s how she treated me.”

So compromise? I will go a little further than what I want if you don’t go as far as what you want. Meeting halfway, with my body being the playing field. I felt like an object.

But she had been kind to me. She had wanted to show me a nice evening. She wanted me to feel special. There wasn’t anything malicious in what she was doing. She wasn’t being mean, hurtful, or rude.

But all I wanted to do when I felt her hands on me was cry because all I really wanted was to curl up in bed with someone and listen to their heart beat while we held each other, fully clothed, not talking, just being in each other’s presence. Affirming to each other that just the other person’s presence was enough to be satisfying.

I wanted to know that it was possible to have a nice night with someone without sex ever factoring into the equation. Can’t I be loved, hell even liked, simply for being me me, for existing, not because I do something for the other person?

We parked at my complex, and it should have been over. We were at our destination. I was supposed to say thank you for the night, maybe one last kiss, and the get out of the car and be free.

But that’s not what happened.

It didn’t stay above the cloths, and I don’t even know how I let it get further. I’m not ashamed, I’m not hurt. It wasn’t rape. But it wasn’t what I wanted either.

I had stated where the line was drawn, and it was pushed, and now I feel an emptiness and detachment in my relationship with Ari. My boundaries didn’t matter enough in the face of personal fulfillment to respect. And maybe that is unfair of me. I let her push the boundaries. I am the one who backed down.

It is hard for me to stick to what I personally want in situations like that because I can feel the other person. I can feel what they want, how much they want it, and in a way it becomes what I want. At least in the moment.

Maybe that makes me weak. That scientist part of my brain thinks that in the animal kingdom, maybe I am the weak one since I cannot stand again the other party.

I haven’t figured it out yet, but that’s one of the reasons I want my partner to be stronger than myself. I want to be able to trust them that when I say, with a clear head, that I don’t want something, that they will respect that even if things start going down a different path. Or that they would at least check with me to make sure that I am thinking clearly, and that I know what I am doing / feeling.

Or that they will have self-restraint. That they will stop and consider how I will feel afterwards, and realize that maybe waiting, as much as their / our bodies don’t want to, may be the better option, because the mind is weird and sometimes doesn’t know what is best for itself at the time.

It’s frustrating. And now there is this even higher level of expectation from Ari. I did it once, so why wouldn’t I do it again? Why wouldn’t it go even further next time? We’re already at this level, the next level is the logical step forward.

The only reason it didn’t go further was because I lied about my roommate being home.

I don’t want anyone in my room. It is my sacred, hollowed ground. I can’t explain it but I would be betraying something inside myself if I actually did something sexual with someone in my apartment.

It would be something that I couldn’t recover from. Something that I could only fix by moving somewhere else.

So it stayed in the car. And there was deep talk afterwards, and part of me appreciated the fact that I didn’t have to leave right away. That we could still talk.

At one point she said that she hoped I had a good night and that she didn’t want to mess anything about our friendship up, that she respected our relationship too much to want to hurt it.

The only thing I could think of was why, then. Why after asking me what I was ok with, did she not respect my response?

It made me feel sad. Like cool water was washing over me because I know she will always want more, and I know I will never be able to give her what she really wants. What she is really looking for.

She’s not going to find it in me, or anyone else.

What she is looking for is acceptance and she can only find that inside herself. It doesn’t matter how far we go, or what type of relationship we have. She, internally, is sad, and there is nothing I can do to fix that for her.

Until she fixes it herself, any relationship is just going to be a medication for her. Any interaction is just a temporary fix for a problem that will continue to eat away at her.

It makes me wonder if I am the cold, heartless bitch.

Why is it so easy for some people to be sexual? How are they able to give themselves fully into a situation without he fortress of reassurance that I seem to need? Why couldn’t I just give her what she wanted completely and made her night?

Is this because of all of the past relationships I’ve had? All of my previous mess-ups affecting my here and now still? Or is it part of my personality? Part of that uniqueness that makes me an INFJ and that it’s because I’m so vastly different from the rest of the world that it seems odd within our society?

I wish I had answers.

In the scheme of things it wasn’t a bad evening. There were good moments in it, I enjoyed myself as much as I could, and today I feel like I have the energy I need to work on my assignment for class, so I’m not bogged down by depression or guilt over my choices.

But I am distant and I can feel that in me. I can feel my stone and iron walls towering above my inner self.

Ari is supposed to message me today, and I don’t want to reply. I don’t want to go out and deal with the world, even though I need to go to the store.

I don’t even want to listen to music. I want to sit in silence.

It’s like I am on a tight rope, and I faltered a bit. I haven’t fallen. I’m still balanced; I was able to catch myself. A close call that has the audience on the edge of their seats, watching, waiting, worried I might slip.

I ok. I’m strong, and still standing. I can do this.

But I have the rest of the way to walk still. I need to pause to regain my composure, my senses, before moving on, before taking that next step further way from my platform of safety.

I feel like that is where I’m at now. Paused. Breathing. Assessing.

I need to cook breakfast since I’ve been ignoring how hungry I am, and go running. After that it will be art time and roughing out my travel poster assignment.

I know last night will be on my mind. I wish I understood myself more.

This is going to be a brief post since my brain is puttering long on fumes. I guess I used all of my mental energy this morning when I first woke up.

I was sort of productive today. More so than I thought I would be.

I went back to sleep until around 9ish this morning. I got up, had breakfast, but didn’t really have much drive.

I figured out the back stitching for Joey’s gift, so now I just need to sit down and do it. I plan to stitch, “True love isn’t just a fairytale,” across the top with “Joe and Katy November 22^nd 2014,” across the bottom.

I got “fairytale,” and “isn’t,” done. I don’t think I’m going to work on it further today.

It’s hard to believe that it’s Wednesday already. Where did the week go?

I got a rough block out for the travel poster done. I’m going to be doing Alaska. Everyone has been super nice about my last assignment even though I didn’t like it; mostly because I wasn’t able to finish it.

I’m hoping to do better with this one.

It’s been surprisingly cold here. You would think Florida is always super sunny and warm, and normally it is, which is one of the reasons I love living here. Right now it’s freezing though. And I’m wondering if that is factoring into why I have been a little down.

Maybe it’s not depression, just low energy from a lack of heat. Which I’m leaning more towards now.

I spent a long time standing under the hot water of my shower. Not only was it a bit of a spiritual cleanse, it was also warm. So that helped get me moving. Maybe I am more reptilian than I know. Maybe I have to have warmth in me to get anything done.

Either way, I ended up going to the gym. I started out walking the track, then I rowed for a while. After that I did the elliptical rather than running so my shins could get a break.

Overall it was a really good workout. I walked the track a few more times to cool off before doing some yoga to keep my legs and back stretched out.

I stayed in the sauna for a while. It was so warm, and dark because I switched the light off. When I’m in there alone like that I think of it as my dragon den. I zone out and just bask in the warmth and my music.

I didn’t want to leave, but I still had grading to get through, so eventually I pulled myself out so I could shower, which was another lengthy ordeal of just standing under hot water.

Even now, I’m bundled up in sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt and I’m still cold. So lame… I miss summer’s heat.

I got the grading done and submitted everything to Clavan.

I poked around on WordPress for a little bit, and replied to all of the posts for my class.

I’m about to go to sleep so I can wake up at 4am for work. That’s after I finish my chocolate green tea. It’s warm, so it’s amazing. <3

I didn’t get around to the chores I wanted to do, and I really don’t feel bad about it. I did everything that was legit on my do-do list, so no bad feelings. I even took the time to stitch a little bit.

So yeah… Not a whole lot today. Small steps forward.

I have my lists for tomorrow already set up, but since it’s another early day with roughly 4 hours of sleep I’ve made it kind of light again. We’ll see how it goes.

Goodnight for now.

It’s 3am. Joshua is asleep. Scarlet is asleep. I’m sitting in front of my computer thinking that I should be doing something a bit more constructive with my time, but the only thing I really want to do is write.

Yesterday was a rough day since I didn’t sleep much.

I really didn’t get anything done. Nothing major for work, nothing for school, not even really anything in the personal realm of things… that is unless you count reading and replying to blogs as being productive.

I’ve been poking around at WordPress more, and I’m trying to figure out why. Why does it seem to be calling to me more than my projects and responsibilities?

I’ve read some really awesome posts. Ones that I can really identify with. It’s like reading my own thoughts and emotions. I’ve replied to these posts, and the authors have replied back.

I have been thanked for my words, and told they have made a difference. Even from miles away, even without ever having met someone before, I was able to “make their day”.

It makes me feel connected. It makes me feel worth-while to know that I can affect someone in a positive way, specially when what they are going through is hard. When I have been in a situation similar to them, and I know how much pain and hurt can be involved. How alone the world can make you feel. How unfair and pointless life can seem when you’re in the thick of it.

And I know the difference a handful of kind words can make. How just the thought of knowing someone has gone through it and made it to the other side can change so much. How even though it still sucks, there’s hope; reassurance. Support.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going through right now.

Dad and I haven’t talked since our Facetime conversation. Which I don’t really think is a positive or a negative. It is a fact. I could have texted or called him, and vice versa. I really don’t have much to say or talk about. I don’t want to give him a detailed play by play of my life. And to be honest I don’t think he would want that.

How do you have a relationship with someone when the relationship isn’t a priority? Is that a shortcoming on our parts? Should it be a priority? Have we grown past the point where we could have anything more than friendly politeness?

If I ever marry I know he would not be the person to walk me down the aisle. I feel that makes me cruel. It is the father’s place to hand the bride away.

But he was never there. He wasn’t there for the band competitions. He wasn’t there to make sure boys treated me right. He wasn’t there to be my practice buddy for sports. And the four year old in side me still clutches her teddy bear and thinks that he didn’t love me. If he had, wouldn’t he have stayed? Wouldn’t he have tried to spend more time with me?

Being an adult doesn’t make the feelings go away. I understand where the feelings come from. I understand why they are there, and as frustrating as it is, I understand his choices. I understand where we are today, and how we got here.

But where do we go from here?

I love my mom. She is the best person on the face of the planet. She is my best friend, and I honestly feel like she did everything in her power to provide for John and I. She worked, cooked dinner, helped us with homework. She went back to school. She drove us to rehearsals.

She gave up so much of her time. She raised me to know right from wrong. She raised me to take responsibility for my actions and to work hard. She raised me to be respectful.

She raised me. She was there. She gave, and sacrificed.

He didn’t. He left.

That is a fact. And no matter how much I don’t like it, no matter how much it hurts, that fact doesn’t change. The truth doesn’t care if you like it or not.

It hurts a lot less than it used to, and I think the level of understanding I have now helps with that. But it still stings around the edges. Like a scar that is still healing; soft and sore.

The wound isn’t open and raw anymore. The bleeding has stopped and the skin has worked itself back together. You can move around again, but your body reminds you that you’ll never be the same, never like you were before.

I’m reflective right now. I’m very inside of myself, looking at my emotions, in large part due to the posts I have been reading. I have been given a glimpse into the lives of others, and that makes me look at myself. Where I am at, where I am putting my energy and effort.

And I come back to the question, “Am I happy?”

And my answer is, “I don’t know.”

I’m not unhappy. I don’t think I should be unhappy.

Then why is my answer not an automatic yes?

I have a stable job, I have a job I enjoy, I am taking Digital Art and Design classes for free, I have full time student status so my loans are in check, I have a stable living environment, I have a fairly new car, I am seeing my family over winter break, I have food and clothing, I am becoming healthier through exercise and better eating habits. My finances are getting back into balance.

Why am I not happy?

I think part of it is because I feel alone. I miss my friends. The people I become close to move away. But that is the nature of my job. People come for schooling, and once you graduate, you leave. You go off to start your own life and career. You don’t stay around.

And so I meet all of these wonderfully fantastic people, and in the end I am left saying farewell. I may never see them again. The people I want to be around, the people who would understand that I just want to sit in the same room, and not really talk, just be in their presence, the people who truly know me, aren’t here. And I feel that.

I feel it like emptiness inside of my chest. A heaviness. I can try to ignore it. I can keep myself busy, but it is still there, and the longer I ignore it the worse it will get. I know myself, I have experienced this before.

I want a hug, I want affection and to feel connected to my physical surroundings. I don’t feel like there is much keeping in me Florida. I don’t feel roots here anymore, and maybe that is part of the problem.

Part of me is an Elder tree, and right now I don’t feel grounded. I am on solid ground, yes. I am out of the negative situations, yes. But that does not mean my roots have taken hold.

I am here, I am existing. I am not part of my surroundings. I am sitting on top of the soil, waiting. I am not immersed. I have not taken root.

Do I just need to give myself more time? Do I subconsciously resist because I know sooner or later I will leave? Will I leave because I don’t allow myself to settle?

Joey gets married this weekend, and I won’t be there. A moment in time that will never be able to be experienced again, and I won’t be there due to finances. Because I can’t afford the trip, and I don’t have the time to take from work.

How is that fair? How is it that we must choose between key life moments and the noise that is the grind of daily life? The grind we are forced into; it’s not even what we would choose in most instances.

This will be a gap that will forever be between us now. I wasn’t there. Like my dad. A moment gone. A moment I can never share in.

I want to feel like I belong where I am. I want to feel like I am home, rather than in my room.

If home is where the heart is, then where is my heart?

Today is a run day. The weather is been cold and rainy, so I will most likely go to the gym to run inside. Perhaps that is what I need, a task that will let my mind be free to ponder itself.

Aside from the tiredness of yesterday, it was a day. Nothing exciting. I got 100s on all of my assignments last week. The final project hasn’t been graded yet since it doesn’t close until this evening.

I want to finish Joey’s wedding gift today. All of the design stitching has been done, just need to add some lettering to it. I should have a picture of the completed work before the weekend.

My grading is due today, so I have that to work on once I get the day moving.

I also have an idea for my final project for GR1, so I would like to get a block out created for that. I feel one of the reasons my last project wasn’t up to my standards we because I did not being working on it until Friday, and then had to binge all weekend to have something to turn in. I know working in smaller bursts will work better for me.

There are a handful of chores I also need to take care of like vacuuming. It is still so early in the morning though. Too early to do anything. 4am why must you tease me so?

I think I will curl back up in bed with Scarlet for a bit. Rest more, and then begin the day.