It’s early. I’ve been poking around at Facebook for about the last 20 minutes. There’s some good art posts. Apparently some counties in my home state are accepting gay marriage applications. Some of my friends have decorated their apartments for Christmas already and other people have been listening to audio books all week.

Supposedly the new episode of Korra is lame, so I’m down before I even have a chance to watch it. At least I’m prepared. I’m so frustrated with Korra constantly getting her butt kicked.

Anyway, I feel calmer today.

I forgot that I had a meeting at work yesterday, so while I was in the middle of cooking bacon to go with my breakfast I got a beep from my computer. Normally I would ignore it, but like a responsible adult, I checked to make sure it wasn’t anything important.

Good thing I did since it was my calendar saying that I needed to be at a department meeting in 15 minutes…

I didn’t even get a chance to shower. I dashed off to school, sat through the meeting where we all made mention of the fact that we’re spread super, crazy thin, and that the school needs to hire more people for our department. It was also our department chair’s birthday.

We even joked about that. “Happy birthday, Joe! By the way… here are all our problems.” XD

It wasn’t a warm fuzzy meeting. Things have been hard with the hiring freeze. The hours suck, we all are having to fill in for classes we’re not comfortable with, or were hired to teach. Perfect example is how I had to cross train to help with Shading and Lighting, even though I graduated with a focus in Character Rigging.

I stuck around and talked to Frank after the meeting. I told him about the pub Ari and I had gone to, and he’s super interested in going. It would be great if we could get a group of us together to go out for a card night or something.

Maybe I can add that to my ‘moral booster’ project. Some sort of get-together for the staff. I know in the past it hasn’t worked because our schedules change every month. It’s hard to get something like that going.

I think it would be a good endeavor though. We’ll see.

After the meeting I came back home so I could eat and then get dressed to go running.

I did really well yesterday. It was sunny and cool without being too cold, so I ran Cady Way Trail again. I forgot about the park I had found earlier in the week. I’ll try to remember it for tomorrow.

I think it was good to be some place familiar though. I was able to mark my improvement better. And there is a level of reassurance from the familiar.

After that I came home and relaxed for a bit. There was still a tightness inside me from the previous night. Sort of like a pressure, building.

I was supposed to meet with a student to give him some tutorials. It would have taken an hour to transfer all of the files. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit and make small talk for an hour. That tightness got worse the more I thought about having to interact with anyone. So I cancelled the meeting. I feel a little guilty about it, but I am going to be setting up a Dropbox folder to transfer the file via online. So yeah, I may be sort of lame, but I’m still getting it taken care of.

I showered and went to the store eventually.

I had told Joshua a few days ago that I would pick up mayonnaise and jelly since he ran out. I’ve been using them, so I felt like it was only fair that I buy the new ones. I got milk and eggs while I was out. And I was starting to get on my case for not having taken care of it already.

After I was done at the store I was thinking about buying dinner. I was hungry again, I didn’t want to cook, and nothing in the store had caught my attention. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was already pushing 6pm.

I thought about different places, and was just driving around aimlessly trying to convince myself that something, anything, was better than nothing.

I was letting my music play. I didn’t want to go back home yet. I didn’t want to be inside.

I ended up near my old apartment. The one I had with Sammi, Josh, and Sir. I realized where I was at and got a little excited. I could go to Waffle House and have awesome grungy food, just like the times I went out with Sammi and Josh, and it would be great. I could do something that reminded me of all of those warm, happy memories, and treat myself to something I don’t get to have very often.

As soon as I put the car into park I broke down. Like the action of parking my car was a signal to open the floodgates or something.

I sat and cried because I realized how far away they are now. I realized how alone I feel even though I’m around people all the time.

I realized how I haven’t had a hug from anyone in weeks. How every time I’m interacting with someone it’s because they have a question, or a favor to ask. How at the moment I felt like a dictionary rather than a person.

I remembered how it was awesome coming home to a house full of people, and dinner being cooked. How, at least from Sammi and Josh, there was never pressure to be anyone but myself. They were ok with my crazy need for lots of space.

I know I’m not really alone. I know I have people who love me. But it feels like I am missing them in my daily life. My everyday interactions. And it makes me feel isolated.

I feel like a terrible person that it took me three months to finally come to terms with the fact that they are gone. Shouldn’t I have felt these emotions the last time I said goodbye to them? Shouldn’t it have been real then?

I mean, in my head I knew it was real. I knew they had packed and the apartment was empty. I know. I went there to return the key for them and the Internet equipment. I helped them pack. I knew they were gone.

I cried from all the emotions from my experience last night. I’m trying not to be angry with myself, but it’s hard when I knew I was walking into a brick wall.

It’s one thing for circumstances to work against you, but to knowing subject yourself to a negative situation, to consciously do it… I really can’t have sympathy for myself.

My inner scientist is standing there, clipboard in the crook of her arm, looking at me over the her rimmed glasses with an, “I told you so,” look.

It felt good to cry. It was dark, the parking lot was mostly empty, and it felt safe. It was someplace familiar that I had good memories with. It made me feel close to the people that I needed.

I sat in my car afterwards for a little while, collecting myself, letting the music surround me like a blanket.

I still had my art homework to do, and I was super hungry.

I drove back home, stopping at Taco Bell along the way. The guy at the drive thru was actually super nice, which was great. He did a little dance as he handed me my food and said that he hoped I had a good rest of my night.

It could have been a total act, but it made me smile and it meant a lot to me that he put in effort to make me feel good.

I was going to buy one of the brownie sandwiches that they sold, but I guess they stopped carrying them, which is so lame.

I wanted something sweet; a treat. I got a 100 on my last art assignment. I don’t feel like I deserved a 100 on it, since in my mind the project was incomplete. But hey, a 100 is a 100 and I wanted to reward myself.

I spent all of Sunday working on it, and I spent 3 hours of my Saturday watching additional tutorials. I wanted to do something for myself to acknowledge my hard work.

So since I couldn’t have my brownie I went and got a Scoop Froggie Frog gelati from Jeremiah’s. It’s a mint chocolate chip Italian ice flavor. It’s super good, but I get it mostly because I think the name is awesome. XD Marketing at its finest.

I came home and started working after putting the dishes and groceries away. I got the eagle roughed out, and have an idea for how to do the foreground tree. I needed a tablet to really go it right though, and since Jarrett still has mine I had to wait until going into work to get one I could use.

I got the gradient in the background, and figured out my color pallet.

While I was working I got a text message from Sammi saying that she was silently sending me strength.

Again, I totally lost it. Just out of nowhere I started crying again. I felt loved. I felt thought of. And I felt bad because I knew she wouldn’t be happy with what had happened the previous night.

I texted her back, telling her about crying at Waffle House and how I missed both her and Josh.

She wanted to call, and even though the only thing I wanted in the world was to hear her voice, I didn’t want to talk because there was no way that I could answer the phone and hold it together.

She’s one of my ‘safe’ people. I could say ‘hi’ and she would know if something was bothering me. Like my mom. It’s like some six sense or something. It’s great, but so totally frustrating, too. Not that she would have needed it last night.

I texted her back saying that I wasn’t doing anything, except for crying again. Stupid tears. Messing everything up.

She called, and like I thought, I couldn’t even answer the phone without totally balling, curled up on my bed, in the dark.

She was so supportive. She let me cry. She told me to let it all out, that it was ok. That I was ok. She didn’t tell me that I was silly. She didn’t make me feel bad. It was almost like she was there with me.

Once I had calmed down we talked about the situation with Ari, we talked about work, school, we talked about Waffle House, and why I don’t feel connected to anything in Florida right now.

We talked about my goals and what I really want.

I haven’t done that in a while; identify my goals, what I’m working towards.

I know I’m taking classes, but I think I’m losing sight of why.

I’m going to be figuring out my goals for the next three years. That will take me up to the end of my degree. Maybe six if I’m feeling frisky. I think that will help me. That will let me know why I’m still here in Florida, rather than moving to be with the people who are important to me. Reconnecting to my purpose will make it feel worth it.

Right now I’m at work. It’s the last 5am lab for the month.

I have my to-do list written down today because I need something solid; digital just won’t cut it today. Sorry OmniFocus.

I slept really well last night. Most likely from being drained from crying. I needed the emotional release though. I feel clearer. Like I said, calmer.

Yesterday was payday. Whoohoo! So that means I get to go about paying all my bills.

Right now I feel like I can take care of everything. I’m not really tired. Lower energy, but I can work with that. I can still get stuff taken care of. It’s one of those energies where I could zone out and get lost in a task. Before I know it six hours will have past and all of my stuff will be done, sort of a thing. And I’ll wonder where all the time went.

So here’s to a productive day. A new day.