I feel awake today. Which may sound silly since I’m siting in front of the computer. Of course I’m awake, how else would I be typing?

I guess I mean it more on an energy and spirit level.

I’m a little groggy, most likely from the little bit of drinking that I did last night, but as a whole I feel good I think.

Maybe good isn’t the right word because that implies something positive. Like some event has happened which causes feelings of elation or happiness. And really that’s not what I’m feeling.

I feel alive. I am starting to feel like I have purpose again. I don’t feel the emotional heaviness that I have been. I don’t think it is fully gone. But some of those boxes inside of me are lighter and less dusty.

Some of them are more organized, and others are condensed down so much that their original box was able to be thrown out, freeing up more space for something else.

I spent yesterday morning alone, and it was actually pretty awesome.

I got through all of my tutorials for my current class and even completed the exam assignment, so literally all my work is done for the moment, school and work wise.

It is a weird feeling knowing that I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, for the next three days and nothing in those areas in my life would be affected. Nothing would catch on fire and burn me as it ruined my life.

Not having hardcore obligations lets me feel free. It lets me think of all the things I could do. It lets me think of possibilities and ideas.

It lets me go into my inner world of thoughts. And eventually, when I am ready, I will bring my thoughts into reality.

So with the whole day stretched out before me, I have my to-do list already forming in my head.

I was really happy with myself for how quickly I was able to get through my Exam assignment. I guess I’m not as much as a noob as I thought I was in Photoshop.

It was still fairly early when I got done with the assignment. I wasn’t supposed to show up to Frank’s house until 2. So I sat with Scarlet on the couch and cross stitched while listening to the last Percy Jackson book.

I also figured out how to get the U2 songs off of my phone. I guess Apple had a deal with the band to push their new CD to every ‘i’ device in existence. Which is cool, but I didn’t know how to get those stupid songs off my phone.

Deleting them didn’t remove them from the cloud, so my phone could still ‘see’ them. Not cool. They were intruding into my space and the only retribution was death by deletion.

So I figured that out after some snooping around online, because of course there wasn’t an easy ‘delete me’ option.

I’m glad I was able to figure it out. Made me feel techy. : 3

After about an hour of stitching I got ready. All showered and dressed. Casual nice. Like casual Sunday cloths. So I wasn’t too awkward feeling. It as stuff that I’ve worn to work before. It helped me feel more relaxed about the idea of meeting new people in a new place.

I got there about 2:10, so a little late, but it was ok.

Not sure if I wrote about it, but Frank had called me Wednesday after we were texting back and forth a bit about the event. I said that it would make me feel better to bring something. That it meant a lot that he was letting spend the day with him and his family and that I wanted to help contribute instead of being a mooch.

He said that really they had everything covered food wise, but if I wanted to bring a dessert that would be fine. A little later he said that his wife hadn’t bought drinks yet. So if I really wanted, I could be in charge of the sodas.

Score. Totally on it.

So yeah, I ended up getting all of the drinks for Thanksgiving, which made me feel good.

I was able to find the house fine. And Frank, one of his sisters, and his wife were standing outside by the grill (Frank grilled the turkey which was amazing), so I didn’t have to awkwardly ring the doorbell or anything.

They were super nice and greeted me warmly, ushering me inside with the drinks. Most everyone was already sitting around the table, so I wasn’t bombarded with people right when we walked in. I slowly got introduced to everyone before I sat, and true to his word Frank had made me a little nametag to go in front of my plate.

I was sitting next to Frank’s wife at one end of the table, which put me pretty far from Frank, but we seemed to get alone ok. We’re both introverted so we didn’t warm up to each other right away. It took most of the day, but I didn’t feel put off by her, so it wasn’t awkward.

I thought maybe it would be. I thought maybe she would think of me as the ‘young co-worker turned home wrecker,’ and feel threatened. That maybe it wasn’t a mutual thing. Maybe Frank, knowing me better had convinced his wife to let a stranger come over, but it wasn’t something she had really wanted.

There were so many ways that yesterday could have been bad. But it wasn’t.

Natalie, Frank’s wife, and I chatted with her sister since we were sitting close to one another. I was able to stay part of the conversations, and I got along with everyone there.

Frank’s dad is from New York, and you can so tell. But even he was nice in his own charming, if slightly abrasive, sort of way.

I was able to talk to my mom later in the evening, which made me feel really good.

She had cooked a turkey and took it into her work. She’s an RN so I had thought she would opt to work yesterday for the shift bonus. But nope, she had the day off, but still went in to be part of the pot luck with her friends.

That made me happy, knowing that no one in my family was spending the day alone. John is snowboarding with some friends in Austria, Jason has Lio and Jace, Mom has all of her work buddies, and I was with Frank and his family.

I talked to my mom about going to the park and what I was feeling. I told her about not feeling any connection to Florida and how I have been feeling down and sort of lost.

We talked about the classes I’m taking, and how for her it’s about knowing that there’s an end insight.

Which is what sort of made me realize the true issue. I know there is an end. I know I will graduate with a new degree in three years, and I know that I will most likely stay at my school due to my contract for three years after that, working on an additional degree for free.

So eventually, when I leave, I will have 3 degrees out of the five that I want. And only one of them I would have paid for. I’ve thought this through. I feel like I know what I’m doing in that regard.

It’s the afterwards that I don’t know about. What am I going to do after that? What is my long-term plan?

I don’t have an end in site for that. All of my goals feel very frail when held up against a vast void of nothing stretching on for the rest of my life.

So that’s where my disconnect now.

I know I want to be closer to family and friends. But career wise, what would I do once I moved? That is what I need to poke around at now.

I feel more confident in my choice to stay in Florida. I know that for right now, this is where I still need to be. And feeling like I’m supposed to be here makes it easier too be away from the important people in my life.

It’s not for forever, it’s for right now.

It’s so odd how a mind set changes everything.

The more I think about it, the more I think I would be happiest in Texas. I know a lot can change in six years, but I think being in Vegas would be a bit ‘too close’ to family. Texas would put me close, but still give me breathing room.

I would be able to be near Sammie and Josh. Which I think is where I really want to be.

That doesn’t solve the question of what I would be doing once I moved.

I like the idea of teaching high school. I’m pretty sure to do that I would have to have an actual degree in teaching, which I don’t have. So after school I might have more school… That is a bit far off though, so I suppose I will look at that in a few years. But it’s nice to have it on the back burner.

I feel like I’m working towards something again. It’s a good feeling.

Mom always has a way of helping me figure myself out.

As the night wore down Frank’s family started leaving until it was just him, his wife, and his two kids. Aj is 8, and Miranda is 4.

They ended up falling asleep watching The Magic School Bus, which left us adults free to talk about games like Divinity, World of Warcraft, Guild Wars 2, Final Fantasy 14 and 11, Skyrim, and so many others.

It was good conversation.

We talked about work, school; the whole gambit.

We had a few drinks and played Cards Against Humanity. We didn’t so much ‘play’ as much as we flipped black cards over and just laid our cards down. We didn’t even really read any of them out loud. Just cracked up at how horrible some of our combinations were.

It was such an awesome night, and they extended the offer to come over whenever I wanted, that they loved my company.

Natalie and I seemed to connected pretty well once we both opened up. Really that wasn’t until everyone left and the kids were settled down. Being the hostess, she had her hands full, and I tried to help out as much as I could.

I was able to help clear the table and put some of the food away. I think if I had been a closer family friend she would have let me do more, but I was grateful for the few tasks she delegated to me.

It helped make me feel like I was part of the group, like I was doing my share.

So yeah, once she could finally settle down and not worry about running the day we were able to really talk one on one.

I got home around midnight. I was given leftovers, which were super tasty. I listened to another chapter in my book while stitching to unwind and then crawled into bed with Scarlet.

I slept really deep. Restorative is what it felt like. And now I’m awake and ready for today.

I feel ready for the coming week and the labs that I’ll have.

I know it is Black Friday, and I really don’t want to go out, but sadly I need to.

I ran out of coffee creamer yesterday morning, and though I have survived this morning with green tea, I know tomorrow isn’t going to be pretty if I don’t fix this issue. I also want to return the bulb for Seth’s heat lamp.

That’s a higher priority than the coffee creamer, but they’re both pretty up there.

Other than that, I don’t have much planned. Listening to my book and stitching. If I get tired of that, then some Photoshop tutorials.

I have an idea for some tutorials for the SAL class as well as a few podcasts for my own class. I may get the scene files set up for those projects if I get frisky, but I think I’ll save most of that for tomorrow and Sunday.

I’m really looking forward to the next three days, and just basking in the feeling of existing and recharging.

For as crazy as everything has been with work for the past four to six months, I’m sort of glad for the down time.