I was so angry about ten minutes ago. Like crying, almost throwing my phone across the room rage. So angry I couldn’t even write.

I’m only a little better now. I’m not crying anymore at least. Stupid water from my eye balls. Totally never helps a situation, especially when it’s rage and not sadness.

So I had to see Jarrett on Tuesday. It wasn’t a bad meeting, but after all of the BS text messages he could have given me the $400 he owes me and I still would have rather seen him suffer unspeakable agony instead of having to be nice to him. Anyway, he told me he would have half of the money for the expenses, which he didn’t. He only had $60 which was only enough to cover the Internet bill.

He said he is supposed to get paid on Friday, and that he would try to have the rest of the money then.

I paid the Internet bill tonight, and text him to let him know that it was paid, which I thought was me being diligent and thoughtful. Wrong.

That text message of thoughtfulness led to a huge ‘text argument’. He said he thought the money was going to be going to the electric bill and that it was ‘ridiculous’ that it went to the Internet bill because now the power was going to get shut off.

He tried calling me, and I lied saying I was in lab because I didn’t want to talk to him.

He went on to say how he didn’t give me the money for the Internet and that I had been the one blowing up his phone about the electric bill all week. How he can’t afford 175 on Friday, and that he was at work, and unlike me he doesn’t sit on his ass all day texting people and how I seriously let him down.

What the fuck?

All I did was text you to say “hey, one of the bills is paid. Are you going to be able to put anything towards the other one?”

All you had to do was give me a fucking number, or a yes or no answer. I’m the one getting screwed by you not covering your expenses. You’re the one being a parasite and leaching off of me still. Be a man and instead of wasting your money, pay the expenses that you have.

I want him out of my life. He’s a negative energy that is weighing on me. Once I get the money for the power I am going to go through the process of disconnecting the Internet.

I don’t know what to do about the power. If I shut it off then the Notice to Cure goes through. If they don’t turn on the power within the week then it moves into an eviction stage. I would rather not have an eviction of my record. He’s not worth it.

I don’t want to lose my job over him either. I could see him doing that though. If I turned the power off, I could see him lashing out and doing something petty to get me fired.

Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Maybe it would force me to get a job that actually pays me what I’m worth. I can only imagine would it would be like to make twice as much as what I am now. I wouldn’t be skimping by, paycheck to paycheck.

I can see him fucking up the apartment, too. Just for spite. He’s such a child, and he’s going to screw me over in the process. No wonder he’s 30 and single.

The failure of our relationship still bothers me more than Sir because I felt something very real and very deep with Jarrett and it killed a part of me for the relationship to end the way it did. I literally did everything in my power to show him love and affection, and to let him know that I felt unfulfilled and that I needed his love and affection in return. And he didn’t care, and when I left I was the bad guy. Just like in my first relationship. We agreed to see other people, and when I started seeing someone else I was the cheating whore.

Fuck relationships. Fuck their unfairness. I give and give and give and in the end I and left broken and injured, left to pick up the shattered pieces and try to piece myself back together.

I felt something for Sir in the beginning, but little things kept picking away. Picking, chipping, causing more cracks, and showing me how frail and unstable it actually was. There was no foundation. It wasn’t what I really wanted. Or I suppose if I’m being honest, he wasn’t. He wasn’t independent, dependable, strong. He wasn’t a warrior that I could respect. He made excuses all the time, he kept pushing and wouldn’t respect boundaries. There was too much emphases on submission, rather than equal balance on both aspects of myself.

God, if only I could turn off that aspect of myself.

At this point I don’t want a relationship again. I don’t see a point to it. It’s a financial burden, I get more emotional fulfillment from my friends, family, and work. I’m only ever left with hurt feelings and more issues to work through. I don’t see what the appeal is anymore apart from sex, and even that isn’t something that I really want anymore. I’m tired of feeling used, or spiritually empty after being intimate. It sucks feeling totally alone when there is a person so close to you. The feeling of sinking and ice, coldness and despair because it feels like it will never change. You’ll always be alone, trapped with someone who only drains you, dragging you down into the darkness, so far down that you’ll never be able to climb out.

I am trying to climb my way out now, but Jarrett is holding onto my ankles and trying to pull me back down into that darkness with him.

There’s a part inside me that wants him to hurt and suffer as much as I hurt and suffer for his hatefulness and immaturity. I want bad things to happen to him because he’s purposefully being an ass. It’s not fair, and I want justice.

And right now, I don’t feel like that makes me a bad person. I feel like that makes me human. I feel like I have been wronged. I want an eye for my eye. I want away from him more though. I want to wash my hands of the whole situation. I want to let go of all the air in my lungs and exhale him out with it, and to breath in deeply, calmly, fully and have him not be there. I want to start over and have his negativity and hatred leave me. I don’t want to have that darkness and anger inside of me.

I am working so hard to get rid of it, but I don’t know how to do that when he’s still there, egging me on, stabbing me with his words and actions.

Other than that today wasn’t all that bad.

I had SAL today, which was their first lab, so it was a lot of Frank talking, me chiming in a bit, and random talking with students. Nice and relaxing. I got a fair amount of stitching done.

I came home and listened to my Art History book. I read the first three chapters, but it has an audio option. It sucks hardcore, but it allows me to listen to the book and stitch at the same time, so that’s what I’ve done for most of the evening. I’ve gotten though most of Ancient Greece, but I’ll still have three chapters after that. About another 80 pages x.x

At least I have tomorrow off to do most of that, and the first assignment is already done. So literally all it is is reading from this point on for the week.

I cooked the maple salmon recipe tonight, and it was fantastic. Absolutely loved it. So that’s a keeper. I made everything for the zucchini sandwiches as well, so I have that to look forward to later.

I ran to the store and bought a few things like milk and onion. I don’t think I need much for the coming week. Oh, got coffee creamer, too. Have to have that.

I went to school and clocked out. I was using my admin hours for my reading and I didn’t want to be around people. Joshua had class, so I’ve had the apartment to myself. It’s been super nice. Silent. And mostly calm until I had to talk to Mr. Fucking Cactus.

Anyway, I got a bit more gas for the car and stopped by the bank to put the $60 of cash into my bank, which is what started the whole downhill slide.

I’m almost done with the water dragon, so I’m going to try to keep working on that tonight while I finish off at least this last chapter that I’m on. Most likely after that I’m going to do some Thundercats.

I still need to put my cloths away, but meh. I also haven’t done my detox drink. I missed it yesterday, and have pretty much missed it today too, since it’s already midnight. Part of me cares, and the other part is still pissed about Cactus.

I’m going to go though. Writing helped a little, but I think until I get fully away from him that it’s going to keep eating at me. A little bit at a time.