So today is another down day. I woke up feeling a little hung over and like I had been trying to give a freight train a hug as it barreled full force at me. Not a comfy feeling. I think that has to do with not drinking enough water yesterday.

I’ve been running pretty hard, and though I don’t feel like I am burning through water like I have in the past, I know that I should be drinking more. So I’m not going to lie, part of this morning is my own fault.

I’ve made coffee and that is helping to clear the fog some, and I’ve had a bag of Cheese-its which put something into my system. So feeling better than when I first woke up but still not much drive to accomplish anything.

I finally made the banana nut muffins that I’ve had on my to-do list for days now. Joshua has a huge stash of stuff, and muffin mix was one of the things I found. Not that I’m a huge muffin / bread person, but I like baking and cooking, and I don’t like things sitting around if they aren’t being used, so I’m using them.

Since money is so tight I figured I could use them as snacks or a quick addition to breakfast. He also has a box of brownie mix that I plan on making at some point this week.

I bought some of the krienik thread that I needed yesterday. It ended up being $15 which I was cool with, then another $5 for shipping which I wasn’t cool with. I didn’t want to spend that much, but I really want to be able to complete my projects. I think in the long run that I will be ok with this choice, but right now I’m still stressing over finances. It feels like I’ll never get back to where I was. Stable.

I know I will. In a few months my insurance payment will be lower because the policy will renew, I’ll stop giving my money away to people who aren’t going to pay me back, I’ll stop eating out as much and go back to only having to shop for myself.

But that doesn’t fix right now, and that’s what I want. Instant gratification and no repercussions for the choices that I’ve made in the past. I want everything fixed and back to how it was. I want no debt so I can keep all of my money, afford a super awesome place alone AND still have money leftover to go to dinner and a movie.

I don’t regret school, not a single second of it, but I wish that our system was set up different. Why do I have to screw myself over for the rest of my life to become a productive member of society?

It just seems very fucked up and broken to me.

I got a lot of stitching done on the water dragon yesterday only to realize that I has been holding the fabric the wrong way and that everything I had done I had to un-do. It was so frustrating and didn’t help with the whole feeling unproductive. I was hoping to make meaningful progress on at least something, and I feel like I didn’t. I got back to pretty much where I was at, but it was still depressing to know that it took less than an hour to undo almost a day’s worth of work.

I plan to keep working on it today. That’s pretty much the only thing I want to do, and even that is dodgy. I don’t feel depressed. I just feel tired. Last night was hard. I was pretty short with some of the students. I didn’t want to be around people and I didn’t want to answer questions that they already had the answers to. Especially the ones that have been sort of needy all month.

I didn’t feel like I had it in me. Part of me feels like I’m not getting fulfilled and that’s why I’m so down. That’s why I want so badly to finish some of my projects, or –do- something. Some tangible thing to show that I have done more than sit on my butt, even though with cross stitching that’s exactly what I’m doing….

My legs feel pretty good at the moment, so I may drive to a bike trail and go running, though it’s getting later in the day so I guess it depends on how warm it gets. I may just stick with the gym, but the thought of going there right now doesn’t sound good. I feel like I’m not going to do well, and that makes me not want to go. I want to do great, but I don’t think I have it in me to push myself.

Maybe I should just chill in the sauna for a little bit. Walk the track, or do a light elliptical workout. I know that rest days are just as important and workout days. You have to recover. Maybe I should just let today be lazy and not feel bad about it.

It’s not I like woke up wanting to feel this way, or the past days. And this next month’s schedule blows so hard core. I should enjoy the few days that I get, including today.

Jarrett finally messaged me. He said that he would get the money from his roommate as soon as he talked to him, so no specific date. And he said he should have his money by the 3rd, but that he has to pay rent first so he would have to see how much he could actually pay. I hate humans. Why can’t this just be easy? You have bills, you know you have them, so instead of buying cigarettes and alcohol to self medicate, why not save that money so you can pay your obligations and not stress other people out.

I swear, if I hadn’t cut off all of my hair I would be pulling it out right now.

Things really aren’t that bad. I’m pretty sure it’s more because I am in a hardcore introvert state and still having to deal with people and their shenanigans that I’m in such an aggravated state. I am hoping it goes away, but part of me thinks it won’t seriously get better until I take vacation and go visit mom. Which until I know the schedule for sure, I can’t really plan for. So I won’t be able to figure that out until around Tuesday or Wednesday. So more waiting.

I really should learn to enjoy this game. I seem to be playing it more and more often. And if I liked, or at least tolerated it, it wouldn’t be as bad.