“Describe a memory or encounter in which you considered your faith, religion, spirituality — or lack of — for the first time.“

Faith and spiritually has been an interesting journey for me.

I was raised Lutheran, though my family didn’t practice faith much. We never really went to church. We didn’t read from the bible.

I was raised that there is right and wrong, and you should always try to do what’s right, even if it’s hard. You should live by the Golden Rule, even if other people don’t do the same.

You are responsible for your actions. You can’t blame others for what you do. And everything you do has a consequence.

I like to think I turned out alright.

When my parents divorced my mom tried getting my younger brother and I involved in a local Baptist church.

We went, waking up sort of early on our Sundays. I didn’t really dislike it. But I never felt anything.

I would sit and be bored. I would always be waiting for the end, because at least then we would go get lunch. The whole ‘connection’ thing that people talked about, how they were ‘close’ with God, how they felt him… I didn’t have that.

He didn’t talk to me.

And maybe as a thirteen year old he’s not really supposed to. Maybe I hadn’t developed the awareness I needed to be spiritual.

Regardless as to why, the lack of connection bothered me. And if I am honest, Christianity didn’t feel ‘right’ to me. Which is what I think my true issue was. It didn’t feel like my religion. It felt as if I were trying to walk in shoes that were too big for me.

It didn’t feel right, and I didn’t want to do it. The shoes kept falling off because they weren’t meant for me. They weren’t mine.

There were a lot of things about Christianity that didn’t sit right with me. Things that I didn’t want to stand behind because they didn’t line up with what I internally believed.

This led to me looking into other religions. Looking to see if there was something else which would provide me the connection I wanted but was so elusive.

I became exposed to Wicca. And for the first time I felt ‘something’.

The concept of Goddess gave me a feeling of peace. The Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Being connected with the Earth and its energies filled me with a level of rightness that I had not felt while in church.

I wasn’t a very active participant in my faith. I read a lot. For me it was enough to feel something. It was right for me, and I didn’t care if I expressed it the way others felt I should. To me faith is internal, and so I was happy to keep it inside.

During this time my mother started going to a different church with my grandmother. A Lutheran church this time.

I started going too as a way to be near them and to participate in something they felt was important. I loved the singing, and several of the sermons moved me. I am not against Christianity by any means.

But I still did not feel the same connection that I did when I thought of my Goddess. And so I stayed with my own beliefs.

I’m not sure how it came about, but a few years ago I began looking into Buddhism. Not very far, and to be honest I didn’t know where to start, so I was all sorts of confused.

But I would read snippets here and there. Different lessons that the Buddha taught.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Things like that. Such small sayings that drastically changed the way I thought about life and the way I dealt with people and emotions.

I still felt connected to the Earth, I still felt energies, but I felt a connection here as well. And so spiritually I became confused.

Was I Wiccan? Was I Buddhist? Was there a mixture of the two? Could I be both?

Along the twisting road I became exposed to Odinism. Like, legit, Oden and Thor. The ancient Celtic deities of old.

Something clicked inside me. A puzzle piece falling into place.

I’m not sure if I can fully explain the feeling.

I had felt something for my Goddess, and I still do. I still have faith in her.

But I still had felt a bit like an outsider with Wicca. As if I could recognize that Goddess was true, but she wasn’t ‘mine’. She was supposed to be in my world, but I had not yet found my spiritual home.

With Odinism I felt like I had found that. I had found something that was naturally part of me. Something that had always been there, hidden in my subconscious, and finally it had come into my awareness.

I have always been in touch with my Gaelic roots, and maybe because of that fact this faith felt right. It felt true.

The more I read the more I wanted to know.

And then I found Freya.

Or maybe found isn’t the right word. I have always known of her. The same as Oden, and Thor, and Loki. It’s not that I knew nothing of the lore. It’s more that I became consciously aware of her. Much like Buddhism teaches. Living is about awareness.

The idea of Freya spoke very deeply to me.

The goddess of sexuality, fertility, war, and death.

She is a strong figure, feminine, and purely woman, yet still strong, capable. A fighter, a warrior, leading the Valkyrie into battle. Caring for the fallen by bringing them to her home in Folkvangr, where they can be happy in death.

There is something about her that fills me with strength, peace, contentment. Acceptance.

And this is where I become slightly awkward because faith is a funny thing.

As long as you are talking about an accepted faith then it’s fine. Saying you talk to God is totally ok. That you feel him filling your soul, your being, is to be expected.

And so to say that Freya speaks with me will cause people to question my sanity or to think I am being influenced by negative forces.

But I have come to terms with that. I have accepted that my faith is not everyone’s faith, and that as long as I continue to live by the Golden Rule, then it doesn’t matter what I hold to be true internally.

Freya speaks silently to me. She guides my actions. She tells me to be honorable, for myself, for those I represent, for my clan. My friends and family who have supported me and loved me through my life.

She makes me want to be a better person. To be a strong, respected warrior able to charge into any battlefield and come out victorious, whether it be boardroom meetings, or defending those I care about.

She shows me that it’s ok to do things ‘like a girl’ because there’s nothing bad or weak about being female. I can be sensual, caring, even maternal and still be a force to be reckoned with.

She shows me that there is nothing wrong with sexuality. That enjoying sex does not make me an impure person. She shows me that the body is nothing to be ashamed of. That the body is as much a temple as the mind, and should be cared for and shown respect.

I am not sure how I am ‘supposed’ to worship Freya to be honest. It’s not like there’s a Church of Freya in Orlando that I can stroll into on Fridays. At least not one I know about.

I don’t sing songs to praise her name. Or sacrifice chickens while dancing around a fire to gain her favor.

I’m sure if I found the Odinism community and became a more active member I could connect with other like-minded people.

But, again, for me faith is internal.

I show my faith through my actions. Through things that I feel, on the inside, to be right.

I workout, eat, and bathe as a way to honor the body she has given me. I help those I am able to as a way to bring honor to myself, and through me to her. I try to live my life the way I think she would want me to.

I am still looking into Buddhism. But I feel I can be both. Buddhism is more about how you perceive life. How you live and interact in the world around you. In a way Buddism is a mindset.

Freya, for me, is a core thread of my being. Something in the very center of my chest, emanating warmth, peace, and love.

Gentle with my loved ones and fierce with my enemies.

I have no other words then, this is right. This is home.

And my biggest hope is for everyone to find that level of acceptance and inner peace, no matter what religion or faith they choose to practice.