awareness

Musing Moment 145: February Reflection

Standard

I started writing last night but didn’t get very far and most of it was QQing over stupid shit, so this morning, after sleeping for 12 hours, I woke up and decided to delete my previous words.

Instead of flailing around instead of my brain, I instead want to write about the month of February. I unintentionally have been keeping my to-do lists. A few days ago I began cleaning out my notebook and thought it would be interesting to see what “major” things happened during the time frame for the lists I had. It was rather eye-opening how many tasks weren’t laundry or meal prepping or “wake up and shower”.

I want to list them here in my safe space to reflect on.

February Events

Received tax returns
Paid Allison back for surgery deposit
Jon moving confirmed
Began housing search
Apartment toured
Application for apartment filed
Apartment secured
Phone fight with Jon
Post created for 2019 completed cross-stitchings
Follow-up appointment with Endocrinologist
Post created on FB for cancer-free status
Emergency surgery for Dagger
Completed “Breaking Social Norms” assignment
Bought silicone collapsible containers
Bought miniatures for D&D campaign

Not all of these events are necessarily major in that they are life-altering, but they hit my reflection radar as moments that meant something to me. They were moments I kept my word, or invested effort into something important, or did something for myself. They were moments where I didn’t give up or pushed past my comfort zone.

Not all of these events are “good” events. Likewise, not all of them are “bad” events either. Some of them are more personal, while others are social-oriented, or school-related. Oddly enough, not a whole lot happened work-wise this past month. That will change with March since I’m now scheduled for my recertification.

Anywho… A lot happened regarding my brother moving, which took a lot of my time and mental energy. Countless phone calls and conversations with multiple people occurred. My FA, Jon, Ox, apartment staff. Information gathering and the like… It was a pretty big endeavor, one which got accomplished in full in the span of only a few weeks.

February wasn’t a bad month by any means, but it was an intense month. Reflecting back on my lists gives me an awareness of why I constantly feel tired or “peopled out”. It makes me wish I had kept my lists from January, the month where I survived my surgery, spent a week with my dad, went back to work, began my meds, and began adjusting to my self post-surgery.

This year has had a lot happen in a relatively short period of time. I think staying aware that my days aren’t “normal” is important since it’s so easy to give myself shit for “not doing better”.

Fuck that. I’m a fucking bawce. Look at all the crap I dealt with, took care of, and got done.

Going forward I will intentionally keep my to-do lists and make a habit of reflecting on what did or did not occur during that time frame. By doing this I hope to foster a more concrete feeling of acceptance not only with and for myself but also my efforts and occasional episodes of depleted energy. They happen for a reason and my lists help me stay aware of what those reasons are.

Musing Moment 135: LFTIO – Time vs Energy

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 12
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”


How can you move from Time Management to Energy Leadership more often?
I don’t think Time Management is necessarily a bad thing. At least not in the way the book makes it sound. As a dialysis technician, managing time effectively is extremely important. It’s also important to understand that some things are outside of my control and to adapt to those changes. I cannot stop time from moving forward, but I can adjust my focus so tasks are still completed in a way to compensate or mitigate those delays which I cannot prevent or alter.

In that regard, I don’t think it’s so much being clock-focused as clock-aware.

In the same vein, I don’t think being organized is a bad thing either, and it bothers an extremely large part of my brain for “organized” to be listed on the Time Management side of the equation with it’s opposite being “original”. I think being organized is extremely beneficial to any situation or project. The “original” aspect comes into play in regards to changing or altering the game plan as situations and new information presents itself. Being organized makes adaptability easier, at least for me. If I know how something “should” go down or where things are at or what people “should” be doing, then I can adjust as needed, which allows the process to become original or unique for the given circumstance.

Looking at the chart listed for this reflection section, I feel I lead with energy a fair amount of the time. I am effective just as much as I am efficient. I give energy to my teammates and patients by remaining positive and focusing on the “good” in a situation, versus dwelling on everything that went or is going “wrong”. I am contribution focused by being aware of what everyone is doing to progress to our goals at the time and I am purpose driven by keeping in mind my greater goal.

As far as how I can lead this way more often, during times of stress I can be aware of how my focus trends towards the legitimate time management areas. I begin to think about how someone is underperforming as highlighted by one of my previous posts where I ranted about how it took one of my teammates 30 minutes to initiate one treatment. That’s focusing on performance, a time management area, rather than contribution. At least she initiated a treatment. She could have done nothing.

I feel like awareness is the key for me. I need to be aware of my own mental state and stress levels. I need to be aware of when I am trending towards my own coping behaviors. If I focus on how we’re behind or how someone isn’t doing something within the time frame of what I feel it should take I multiply my own stress which adds to the negativity of the situation. I should take the few seconds it requires to refocus and adjust my own thoughts to mitigate my stress levels which would help the team as a whole continue to be effective and purpose driven.

What will you need to do more of, less of, or differently to practice Energy Leadership more often?
I guess I already answered that in my previous response. One of the downsides to being an INFJ and writing through my feelings I guess…

I will need to practice awareness of myself more consciously during stressful times. I will need to ask myself, “Are my thoughts and behaviors helping or hindering this situation,” and adjust accordingly. Taking the few seconds or minutes it may take to refocus myself could help everyone in the long run.

Lack of Resilience vs Resilience Mastery
I feel that for the most part, I tend to operate with the qualities of resilience mastery. I am able to focus deeply with internally driven motivation. I lean towards optimism, I have fulfilling, intimate relationships. I am able to be creative and innovative. There is genuine vitality and enthusiasm in most things I do. When I work I am able to reach levels of optimal productivity and I tend to feel “on top of” situations.

When I am tired from lack of sleep, working too much with not enough down time, or when several projects seem to be stagnating, I begin to sway towards a lack of resilience. I can be unfocused because I don’t know where it would be best to begin something. I can be externally driven by deadlines or outside pressures. I can harbor negativity within myself which bleeds into all areas of my life and causes strain on my relationships. I can become apathetic and have a lack of inspiration along with legitimate depression and fatigue. I perform less efficiently which affects productivity and the feeling of being overwhelmed can become a pervasive thought in my mind.

It would be beneficial to become more conscious of the warning signs my body and mind display in regards to my resilience, aka. balance. It would be easier to prevent a tip in my balance rather than trying to recover from it later.

Musing Moment 126: LFTIO – Personal Mastery

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 5
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”




This post is essentially the “chapter review” for chapter one. It’s where I identify areas I want to change, figure out how to change them, and think about potential obstacles which may hinder me.


Areas for building awareness:
Feelings of insecurity and shadow beliefs of abandonment are triggered by stressful situations. It would be beneficial to listen closely to the dialog inside of my head during stressful times and to objectively analyze my thoughts. Are they stemming from personal truths or are they the words of my self-doubt? What emotions do these thoughts envoke and why? Is there any proof to support these thoughts or do they closer resemble irrational, self-preservational fears?

New Commitments to Make:
I need to be more committed to my need for solitude and reflection. Beginning to write again on a more routine basis could help provide structured time for reflection and self-development. Continuing and being more consistent with my efforts at the gym and dojo can provide better work/life balance and stress management. Continuing to take vitamin D gummies will help me cope with the lack of sunlight and the inability to do outdoor activities during the winter months here in Nebraska.

Actively participating in the DSS Leadership course will allow me to continue understanding myself and others. I will actively strive to become a preceptor for my clinic by the end of the year. Committing to the LPN degree in October will provide me with a timeline for career growth personal development.

These things are in line with my values of balance and personal improvement. I cannot be my best self if I am struggling with seasonal depression. I cannot be my best self if I do not take the time to step back and analyze situations and my emotions regarding those situations. I cannot be my best self if I allow opportunities I want and have worked towards to pass me by.

New Practices to Begin:
Research into / Enroll in the LPN program at SCC
Nightly recaps of the day and how I felt during its events
Weekly reflection and self-assessment
Re-committing to a workout routine

Potential Obstacles:
 Work
Weather
Finances
Emotional discord

Timeline and Measures of Sucess:
One week assessment of LPN information gathering and enrollment. Was I able to obtain the information I needed for the part-time LPN program? If not, what information could I not obtain and why?

Four-week assessment of nightly recaps. Are they going well? If not, what are the biggest factors preventing me from reflecting on my day?

Four-week assessment of weekly recpas. Am I able to reflect on my week at some point during the weekend? Am I providing myself with enough time to effectively reflect? If not, what are the biggest factors preventing me from completing a weekly reflection?

Four-week assessment of training. Minimum of two workouts at Anytime Fitness. Minimum of two workouts at dojo. Was I able to uphold my routine? If not, what were the biggest factors preventing me from working out?