It’s almost midnight. I have to be back to work at 4 am which means being up at 3 am to shower and get ready.

I should be asleep.

Instead, I’m sitting here typing on my laptop while sitting in my beanbag chair in the living room of my one bedroom apartment.

Yeah… A lot of stuff has happened since the last time I wrote. A lot of hard conversations have taken place, and honestly I don’t know where to start other than where I am.

Ox and I survived all of the conversations we had. He had, and I’m sure still has, misgivings about me having my own space away from him. At one point I said, “All I can do is prove you wrong.” I’m not sure if writing it has the same effect as when I said it in our conversation. I meant it as an, “All I can do is prove to you that I’m different and that this will be a good thing; for everyone. For Me. For you. For us. The kids. Your parents. I won’t let this end us. I’m your’s. Your wife. And you can’t get rid of me. You’re stuck with me. Your my mine and I’m a dragon and I’m not going to let you give up on us. So there.”

Ox helped me move into the apartment. He helped me get things out of my storage unit. I have my cork board hung. I have several of my books on a bookshelf that his parents let me take with me. I have a knife set on my kitchen counter, again because of their generosity. I was able to take the cooking set I bought a while ago since Mama Ox isn’t a fan of it. I have matching silverware. I have solitude and space where I can hear myself think.

It’s only been a week so far, but it’s been nice. The nights I’ve had work the next morning I’ve been able to stay here and actually sleep since we currently have the kids for two weeks.

There has already been a large mental shift inside my head. I haven’t been able to emotionally or mentally process through a lot of the baggage I have going on inside my head, but I think I’m headed in a good direction. A better direction. A direction where I no longer have panic attacks at the thought of doing laundry, which was sort of the breaking point for me.

That’s not the type of person I want to be. That’s not who I am. I will not get my ass handed to me by a basket of dirty clothes. But it wasn’t the clothes that was the issue. That situation, that task, may have been the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. The tipping point from “I don’t feel ok,” to, “I’m ligitimately not ok.” But there was a larger issue to address. The issue that I’ve been struggling with since around the six month mark of moving here. The living situation and the lack of my own room / space.

Well… that’s changed. I have that space now. I went to the gym after working a 12 hour shift today. I biked for six miles and stretched after I was done. It was and still is a good feeling. It feels like me. At least, more me than I’ve felt in a while.

A lot of stuff has been going on with work, but I’m getting tired so I think I’ll save that for another day; hopefully tomorrow.

I’m doing ok. I know a week isn’t much to go on, but I do think I’m doing better than I was and I do legitimately believe Ox and I are ok. I believe him when he says it. I feel it in my heart chakra when he places his hands on my cheeks, making me look into his eyes and says, “We’re ok.”

Yes.

We’re ok. I’m ok. And things will be ok.