Yesterday’s post was a tired, beaten up post. At least that’s how my brain felt. Maybe it would have been better to just go to sleep instead of writing. At the same time, I think it was good to write about unpacking the chinaware. That was a pretty heavy experience and I’m glad I didn’t try to sleep with that weight in my mind.

Part of why I was up so late was because once I had gotten back from seeing Nicole I cooked the green curry so I could have something to eat. It came out really well and I was incredibly satisfied to have something with tons of veggies in it. Warren and I ate together in the living room and while we did he played an episode of Westworld.

Holy crap. After only one episode I’m hooked. We’ve watched two other episodes today. Soooo good. Soooooooo gooooood.

Since I watched an episode last night I basically missed out on an hour of my day. An hour I could have used to do my chores so I could get to sleep sooner. I really shouldn’t have stayed up as late as I did with as active as I had been all day. And I really, really should have had more water because I woke up this morning with a major headache.

Since I knew lack of sleep, lack of water, and a general lack of recovery and self-care was the cause of my headache I resolved to take today for myself. I drank half a bottle of water, took Advil, then went back to sleep. When I woke up again I had more water then showered since that was another major factor. I felt gross for not having showered the night before. I might have slept better if I had, but since I couldn’t go back into the past and do it, I opted for going with the option I could actually do.

Once showered and clean I was feeling way better. Still had a few headache cobwebs, but nothing close to the pain I had when I initially woke up. I went downstairs, had more water, made coffee, and had breakfast. Warren came downstairs shortly after I did.

We had a pretty… important?… conversation last night, though I’m not sure important is really the right word. So far I’m the only one who has spent money for tomorrow. Essentially I’m feeding Warren, Jon, and myself and, in my head at least, I’m the only one who’s going to be doing the cooking. And then the cleaning. So I was sort of miffed when I got a text message last night while with Nicole saying that vanilla ice cream would go great with the apple pie I had bought.

Irrational Brain Response: Then go buy the fucking ice cream yourself since I just dropped $60 on everything so far and I still have to go out and get other things.

Rational Brain Response: Do NOT send that message.

Ok… maybe miffed is downplaying it.

I want tomorrow to be a good day for everyone, including myself. At least as good as it can get with mom not being here and Warren being away from his family for the first time. I know tomorrow is going to suck for all three of us. I want to do what I can to lessen the pain since there’s no way to get rid of it.

I want to not feel used in the process of making it a bearable day, and the message asking for more stuff with no acknowledgment of everything I had already done, or would be doing didn’t sit well with me. In the past, I would have let these feelings fester, but instead of doing that we talked it out when I got home.

Warren understood where I was coming from and offered for part of the Thanksgiving expense to be put towards the money he owes me. That makes me feel better but at the same time, it’s like a broken record inside my head.

“I’ll pay you back.” Everyone always says that, and yet I’m still waiting for it to happen. I’m tired of hearing those words. I’m tired of money. I’m soul weary from it. And it’s not one individual person who is making this a sensitivity. It’s collectively everyone who has ever “borrowed” money from me.

It’s every time those words are said but actions don’t support them. It makes me not want to help anyone financially. It makes me feel like I’m a bitter, jaded person in this area of  my life because I don’t believe those words anymore. I don’t want to hear them. Ever.

Do or do not. There is no try.

I have no complaints about the living situation and am really just venting my general frustration. I know Warren and my brother aren’t doing this intentionally and a lot of it is my own hang ups and not letting go of the past. I actually think Jon would pay part of the cost if I asked him to, which I might do tomorrow.

And I know it’s eating away at Warren to be so set back from his breakup with Amber. I know this isn’t the situation he wants to be in, where he’s financially dependent on others. He wants to help and is actually normally the person providing for everyone else.

As far as Warren’s side of the situation, all I can do is wait and I’m not good at that. I feel like I need to step back and breathe and give the situation time. I wish it didn’t feel so hard to do.

Everything yesterday added up to be a long and emotionally trying day. I was glad for it to be over.

The only major thing I did today was finishing up the shopping. Warren went with me. The store was crazy so it was nice to not be alone for it.

Corey is going through his own emotional discord apparently. We were chatting through Facebook messages while I drank my coffee. I had offered last night for him to come over for Thanksgiving, even if it was only to eat food and then ditch, but he declined. He mentioned this morning needing some form of protein to go with the sides he had already bought, and the subject came up of how the store going to be crazy busy.

Long story short, I offered to pick him up a rotisserie chicken from Publix since I was going to be out anyway for the low, low price of buying lunch next time we hang out. He was cool with the arrangement, so once Warren and I were done with the store we stopped by Corey’s apartment to drop off his holiday dinner. As long as he covers it with foil it should heat up fine in the oven to provide a warm Thanksgiving meal.

Since I was still feeling worn out from yesterday I ordered a pizza to have food for lunch / dinner today, got a chili mocha frappuccino from Starbucks because I’m amazing and worth it, then went home and watched two more episodes of Westworld before playing through half of the Heart of Thorns expansion for Guild Wars 2.

Pretty slack day.

Right now I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I’m most likely going to watch more Westworld, and eat too much food, and play Guild Wars, and fight to breathe through the pain that will be there when I stop to let myself think about it.

I wonder how well I’ll be able to play Guild Wars drunk…

On that note, since I’m not overly tired yet, I’m going to log back in and play more.